The One Phrase That Can Save Almost Any Relationship, According To A Harvard Psychiatrist
Saying this gets right to the heart of the matter.
SeventyFour / Shutterstock We all have relationships that we keep close to our hearts. And whether it's romantic or not, we do our best to save these relationships and keep them from completely falling apart.
When times are inevitably tough and things seem unclear, working through those murky waters can be the difference between saving or ending a relationship. But how do you do that?
In the most recent episode of YourTango's Open Relationship: Transforming Together podcast, host Andrea Miller sits down with Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Frank Anderson to discuss the one phrase that can help save almost any relationship.
The one phrase that can save almost any relationship
We all too often blame others. We blame others for our reactions, our emotions, and our suffering. However, that is nobody's responsibility but our own. We are responsible for our own healing and our own feelings.
And sometimes, that requires saying, "I'm the problem, it's me," says Miller. That means admitting you have flaws and that those 'imperfections' are for you to work on.
In order to identify when your triggers are getting the better of you, Dr. Anderson suggests you repeat this one phrase: "When it's intense, it's yours."
If you want to save your relationship, you must understand your own reactions.
When people get into disagreements, it's easy for the situation to escalate quickly. We want to be right and we want our feelings to be heard. However, when such moments happen, you need to ask yourself an important question: Why am I reacting this way?
Did your response need to be an angry outburst? Why did you feel so angry to begin with? Most importantly, what memory or past experience caused you to feel this way?
Dr. Anderson asks, "Why were you so angry? And so why was it important to be angry? And what was helpful about being angry? And, you know, why did you yell at him? And what was he doing that was so horrible?"
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Asking these questions might seem like a lot. However, identifying your triggers is the first step to saving almost any relationship.
If you don't understand your triggers, you'll struggle to work through them. Most importantly, you'll have a difficult time preventing these triggers from damaging your life in the future.
The truth is, you can't always prevent yourself from being triggered — at least, not without some serious self-reflection.
One of the best ways to learn to self-reflect is by seeing therapist, but, as Dr. Anderson points out, that isn't the only way. He explains that people can practice self-reflection through mindfulness techniques such as meditation, writing, or journaling.
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Anderson adds that we have a lot to learn from the positive intentions behind our reactions.
He tells Miller, "It reacts to your son and it has nothing to do with your son." Rather, it has to do with something inside of you that has been rewounded and retriggered.
Until you acknowledge and have compassion for the reactivity inside you, you likely struggle to fully learn to let go and relax.
But, when we own that part of ourselves — and when we air those flaws out in the open — that is what becomes our superpower, concludes Miller.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.