The #1 Thing To Do If You’re Single And Want To Find Love
Before you head out on that next promising date, couple's therapist Stan Tatkin says there's one important thing you should do.
Nick Starichenko / Shutterstock Figuring out if your next relationship will succeed or fail can be a real roller coaster of anxiety. If only there was a way to better prepare for finding the right one in our next relationship.
Luckily, psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin has some advice to help us find our next ideal relationship. In an Instagram post, Dr. Tatkin talks about the one thing you need to do if you want to find love.
The #1 Thing To Do If You’re Single And Want To Find Love
If you want to find the right person for you, Tatkin suggests jotting down a list of traits you want to find in your next relationship. "Write down what your perfect relationship will be, would be with person X," Tatkin says. "Don't imagine a person. Imagine the relationship and a person wanting the same thing you want and willing to do the same thing to get what you both want."
"How would the relationship dynamic be? What kind of guiding principles would make it amazing," says Tatkin. What do you want from this relationship and where do you see it headed?
Whether it's financial security or wedding bells, write down everything important to you. However, be sure to only focus on the relationship, says Tatkin.
Don't focus too much on the person. Whether your person is 6'4 or Jason Momoa it doesn't matter. Where you see yourself in this relationship matters the most.
After you're done creating the list, wait until you find your next partner. Be sure your partner has the same goals and values as you do. "If you're sure they do, then bring them around your loved ones," says Tatkin.
Ask your trusted loved one, "Do you like this person? Do I seem myself with this person? Do you see this relationship being the one?" Having an outside opinion can help you determine if this relationship is worth continuing or not.
You might be wondering why the focus should be on the relationship rather than the person. After all, doesn't the person we end up with matter too?
Though the person matters our shared values matter more. Unfortunately, sexual compatibility or vibes aren't enough to determine relationship success. Rather, being on the same page will make or break your relationships.
But how can you tell if you're on the same page as your partner?
How To Tell If Your Values Align
According to licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White, “Research also indicates that relationships that are built on shared values are much more likely to endure.”
So, if you want to see if you and your partner have similar values, start by checking if they care about others as much as you do.
You might not see this as a big deal. I mean, why should it matter if they care about others the same way I do? But what might not seem like a huge deal now can become one later down the road.
If your partner doesn't care as deeply as you do, they might overlook your emotions since their level of care isn't the same as yours.
Next, "Are your achievements the same," asks White. Do they share similar goals and ambitions? Are they at the same education level as you?
What about maturity? "Is your partner just as mature as you are," asks White. This is important as similar maturity levels can help keep your relationship strong if you decide to have children.
Finally, is your sense of security similar? Are you both financially and mentally secure? Do you both feel secure and safe within your relationship?
Asking these questions can help you figure out if you and your partner are on the same page. Most importantly, it can help you see if your goals and values match up. If they don't, then you know this relationship isn't for you.
By knowing what you want from your next relationship, you can steer clear of people who don't match your relationship expectations.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.