My Open Marriage Made Me Realize I'm Not As Polyamorous As I Thought
One man learns a lot going from mono to poly and back to mono.
Andrea Piacquadio | Pexels "What would you think about opening our marriage?"
Even though I had always suspected my wife Allison was polyamorous, I was surprised she asked me this question. It had come up but short of one disastrously failed attempt the summer before we were married, we'd never experimented with it.
The first thing you need to understand about Allison is she doesn't like burdening people. If she thought asking you for something or telling you a secret would hurt or even inconvenience you, she'd bottle it up.
Throughout our relationship, I begged her not to hold things back. So, when she finally admitted to me she wanted to be polyamorous, I was thrilled. I didn't particularly want an open marriage myself, I was just happy she was being honest about something she wanted. So I started thinking.
We had ultimate trust between us, and complete honesty. We were mature enough to overcome jealousy and have an open marriage.
Allison was only the second woman I had ever slept with, and the only woman in the 15 years we'd been together. I'd always been curious for more sexual encounters. At our ages, me 31 and she 33, we weren’t getting younger. Supremely confident in our marriage, we agreed to give it a try.
Starting with some online friendships, Allison and I already had in a video game community we frequented. She and I began to cultivate new relationships. Allison hit it off with a friend of mine, Rafael, while I cultivated a relationship with a mutual friend, Natalie.
I should point out that while these were online, long-distance relationships, Allison and I had much experience. We met online during our freshman year in college in 1995. For some people, the connection you feel online can be as real and intense as anything in the “real” world. You have to be careful what you feel is real and not new relationship energy, but it's still a real possibility.
As our secondary relationships grew, Allison and I noted differences in our new romances.
Rafael, a 38-year-old widower, had no intentions of ever getting married again. He and Allison both had a certain level of detachment. Refusing to give themselves completely to love, they called what they had “mutual adoration.” To Allison, this was the epitome of the polyamorous relationships she sought, a more-than-friend with benefits, a supplement to her best friend, me.
Natalie, on the other hand, was a different story. A 24-year-old idealistic grad student, she was reared as a missionary and attended a seminary getting her degree in Christian Thought and Biblical Studies. Her long-term goal was to obtain a Ph.D. in philosophy, write papers, and teach. While quite socially progressive, her personal belief system had issues with dating a married man. Nevertheless, there was a strong chemistry and instant attraction between me and Natalie.
She represented so many things I admired and wished were true about myself. I looked up to her, even though she was younger than me. Talking to her was intoxicating. Research on need fulfillment in polyamorous relationships supports how she gave me some level of fulfillment I didn’t even know I needed in my relationships, and I was addicted. Looking back, I don’t remember how we overcame Natalie's initial trepidation.
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I remember her telling me that, as a rule, she didn’t date attached men. She said she loved with her whole heart, she didn’t know if she could share a man, or if she could look for the man she would marry while already dating a man she loved.
I remember her telling me when it was time for us to break up to please not argue. But I also remember feeling like we could enjoy each other while it lasted. Before I knew it, we were sending instant messages all day.
We moved on to voice chat. Then text. Then the phone. Then webcam. We’d talk about the mundane, our jobs, her classwork, our shared interests, her religion, my family, things we wanted to do with each other, and things we wanted to do with each other. We’d trade pictures with eyes looking into the camera in such a way as to tell the other person, “I’m thinking of you.”
Even though I had entered into an open marriage and this secondary relationship to keep it somewhat detached, I knew I was falling in love.
The first thing I would do in the morning was check my phone for the usual morning text. We’d spend the whole day chatting and she was usually the last person I’d talk to each day. I never neglected Allison or our three sons, but I was always with Natalie, and she was with me. Allison was cautious about the situation, but she was happy to see me so happy.
Over the months, there were several occasions when Natalie would tell me she feared we were too close, she couldn't stand to be with me because she could never have me as hers monogamously.
She was jealous of Allison. She’d declare we should be just friends, and then a few days later, we were back to our routine. I knew she was conflicted but it seemed her feelings were enough to bend her rules a little. I knew this was, at best, uncomfortable for her, as asserted by research on jealousy and transformation in polyamorous relationships.
I did everything I could not to remind her I was married. Oddly enough, though, she seemed to want to be close friends with Rafael and Allison, like couples on a double date. At some point, I realized I was glad to be the sole focus of Natalie’s affections. Likewise, when she’d talk about ex-boyfriends or cute guys in her classes, I would feel jealous pangs.
It was odd I would feel jealous of Natalie but not Allison, but Natalie seemed to like how I was focused enough on her to feel that way, especially given her feelings for me, so I shrugged it off.
After some time, Allison and Rafael set up a real-life meeting. Allison had not had a vacation since our oldest son was born almost six years prior, so she eagerly took Rafael up on his invitation to visit him at his home. She spent nine days with him, watching TV, eating out, and having new, exciting sexual experiences.
I truly was happy and excited for her. I derived pleasure from her pleasure with another, a feeling called “compersion.” I noticed while I wasn’t particularly jealous, I felt somewhat unfulfilled. Unable to pin down the emotion, I called it loneliness. I was so thankful I had Natalie to talk to throughout this.
Natalie and I continued our cycle of hot and cold. I didn't want to lose her presence in my life, so aside from occasionally getting frustrated at her, I mostly just accepted it. Allison and I knew Natalie probably could not go on like this forever, and, wanting to see me happy, Allison offered more and more flexibility in ways Natalie and I could grow our relationship.
We discussed things like polygamy, me splitting time between our town and Natalie’s, and even going so far as to suggest we could someday talk about separating amicably. Natalie never really warmed to any of these ideas, but she and I still grew closer daily. Finally, Natalie asked me to think about when we could meet in real life.
We started talking about plans, and we settled on a weekend trip to a mountain town about two hours from her home. I booked plane tickets and made hotel reservations for a trip the next month, and we were both excited, at least for the moment.
I’m not entirely sure what happened over the next few days. As Natalie told me later, something inside her broke. Between her thoughts on marriage, her ideals, the stress of classes, the stress of moving from an apartment to a new house (by way of a temporary stay with her parents), and who-knows-what-else, she couldn’t deal with our situation anymore.
She told me she was deeply in love with me but agonized over how I could never be hers. How she’d forced herself into a relationship with me, hopeful it would get easier with time, but it didn’t. With everything else going on in her life, she couldn’t deal with us anymore.
I was crushed, of course, and our old pattern of rebuilding didn’t seem to be playing out this time. We continued texting, but she was still slightly distant. The admission that she really, truly loved me made it much harder. After several days of being sad around the house, figuring I should at least meet the girl once, Allison told me to get on a plane and go see her.
Research on agreements and rules in polyamorous relationships helps demonstrate why Natalie was surprised and a bit mad that I would flaunt her wishes, but she had dinner with me, and we spent an afternoon watching movies and making out. She wouldn’t re-commit to our vacation getaway, but she did say she was glad I came. We shared a tearful, tender embrace as we said goodbye, and the next morning, I flew home.
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The next few weeks leading up to our planned rendezvous were stressful for my marriage to Allison.
As my perception of Natalie’s outlook regarding our trip rose and fell, so did my mood. I became obsessed with salvaging what I had with Natalie, and Allison was concerned I had lost perspective. I even let this up-and-down spoil a long-planned vacation Allison and I took the weekend before the planned trip with Natalie. Allison’s faith in my love for her was shaken, and I didn’t seem to care.
On the plane ride home from our vacation, Allison and I talked and reached an agreement. We both recognized my relationship with Natalie was important to me. Allison again suggested we could talk about an amicable separation, if that’s what I wanted, to save what I had with Natalie.
In retrospect, I realize I wasn’t thinking clearly. I realize now I was too quick to latch onto this idea, too willing to arbitrarily throw my marriage under a bus, hurting Allison in the process. But at the time, I took it as all the signal I needed that I was free to leave.
I decided the best thing to do would be to convince Natalie I needed to see her for our planned trip and use our time alone to talk about where Allison and I stood. Allison wanted me happy, but I needed to figure out what that meant. I needed Natalie to be patient with me and wait.
Desperate, I sent Natalie an email imploring her to keep our date, I needed to see her. I said if she would see me this one last time, I would never ask again if that’s what she wanted. I was so convinced I had it all figured out. Natalie’s response was quick. First, she pointed out she was under too much stress from other sources, including several late papers, to be able to keep our date, even if she wanted to.
However, given the tone of my email and the personal agony she had been in, she didn’t want to anymore. She chided me for trying to pressure her and bargaining with her. She reminded me of my promise to walk away without arguing. She reminded me I had already violated her trust once by showing up that weekend. She went on to say she just needed us to be done.
All of the hopes I had pinned on the trip came crashing down. I wept. I sobbed uncontrollably. Allison alarmed at my loss of control, texted Natalie, imploring her not to close the door forever. She said it was apparent Natalie made me happier than she could, and it would be a shame to throw that away.
Natalie did not take the news of my tension with Allison well and reiterated this was proof it was time for her to walk away. I haven’t heard from her since. We went from constant contact every day for over half a year to complete silence for almost a month.
What was the aftermath of our open marriage?
As I started coping with a deep depression, Allison and I got counseling, and we spent a lot of time talking about our marriage and what it meant to us. We learned Allison and I are two very different people in how we love.
Research on primary and secondary polyamorous relationship perceptions demonstrates how Allison can build an emotional buffer around herself to allow a level of detachment with her secondary relationships, I can’t. I, like Natalie, tend to love with my whole heart. Whereas Allison is, by nature, polyamorous, and will find fulfillment in that. I am, for better or worse, by my nature, a monogamist.
So what does the apparent difference mean for our marriage? Remember I said I felt lonely over Allison’s relationship with Rafael? I’ve come to realize that was my craving for the focused, mutually monogamous attention I got from Natalie.
The problem is I’m not willing to ask Allison to change. I’m not even willing to let her. I love her as she is. I love how she’s being honest with herself, but I crave the type of connection I had with Natalie, and I don’t know how, as a married man, I’m ever going to find it with another woman. It’s not impossible, but it is frustratingly difficult.
If you’re considering an open marriage, ask yourself before you start, what exactly are you looking for, as supported by a study on motivations to engage in polyamory? Because you might assume you want a certain type of secondary relationship, as I did, but you might find yourself looking for something entirely different.
The truly torturous part for me now that Allison and I have learned to recognize our differences, is we realize at some level this is a significant incompatibility, and will be for years to come. We want so badly to see each other happy and fulfilled, but will be difficult for me to find what I want.
Of course, we have our children to consider, but Allison and I have reaffirmed our desire to see each other happy and fulfilled, regardless of how we find it.
For her, it means being polyamorous. For me, it may eventually mean Allison and I separate so I can pursue something monogamous. In our view, that wouldn’t be an end to our relationship, just a transition to a new state where we were both in a position to find fulfillment. We both strongly feel we could maintain friendship and partnership as we raise our sons.
If Allison and I had understood this about ourselves earlier, would it have mattered to Natalie? I was happy in my relationship with Natalie. I found the fulfillment I wanted. If Allison and I had communicated to Natalie that I wanted to transition from an open marriage with Allison to a monogamous relationship with Natalie, would she have allowed it?
Natalie has a strong sense of family values, but given the love we shared, would she begrudge me my conscious choice to choose the relationship I wanted? I think she’d be cautious about it, but I maintain some degree of optimism she would have respected me and Allison enough to let us make our decision and not view herself as a home wrecker.
As it is, I don't know if it will ever come up. I don’t know what Natalie’s been doing in the weeks since we last spoke. She said she wanted to maintain a friendship, but I’ve tried a couple of times to gently reestablish contact but with no reply. I don’t know if she’s focused on dealing with the other stress in her life or staying away in an attempt to make me get over her and preserve my marriage, if she's hoping she can feel more detached from the situation, or if she’s trying to erase me from her life.
Knowing what I know now, assuming the chemistry is still there and she's still interested, I would eventually like to try to grow a mutually monogamous relationship with Natalie. Allison and I have this better understanding of ourselves, it'd still be a little complicated, with logistics to work out, but it'd be possible for me to be what Natalie needs and wants.
This is what Allison and I want for each other. This is what I want to be for Natalie. Still, I’d understand her caution. If she reads this, I hope she’ll take me at my word that while I did love her, Allison and I alone are responsible for the future of our relationship and our kids.
I hope she’ll remember we were friends first and can be friends again. I hope she knows she was important to me, capable of fulfilling something in me I need and so much more. I hope she knows how sorry I am for the way I handled things. I was learning about myself, Allison, and our marriage, and I stubbornly tried to fit Natalie into a role she couldn't live with, and for that, I felt awful. Most of all, I hope she knows I miss her.
Alex Alexander is a pseudonym. The author of this article is known to YourTango but is choosing to remain anonymous.