Mom Coach Reveals The 3 Tactics She Used To Eliminate Arguments In Her 30-Year Marriage
It's how you argue — and how you make up — that matters.
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock With Valentine's Day fast approaching, many of us are thinking of ways to improve our relationships, especially if they tend to be a bit conflict-ridden. One relationship expert said there is a way to transform your relationship and make it argument-proof — or at least make those arguments more productive.
Mom coach Hannah Keeley revealed 3 tactics to eliminate arguments in marriage.
Keeley is a board-certified life coach and parenting expert with a background in behavioral therapy and neuroscience, so you might say she knows a thing or two about how to navigate the rocky parts of a relationship.
And many Americans' relationships are indeed feeling pretty rocky these days — a 2022 study found that 30% of couples argue weekly, and 8% are going at it every single day. That's a lot of drama for one household!
Keeley, who herself has been married for 30 years, insisted three simple rules can help couples avoid constantly being at odds, and they come down to how you communicate and maintain connection.
1. Communicate like a hostage negotiator.
This is particularly good if you sometimes feel like your partner is a sociopath. Just kidding. But what's key to a hostage negotiator's tactics is the search for a mutual victory, or at least the perception of one (because the person taking hostages is, you know, probably gonna go to jail).
Keeley advised that when you and your partner are getting heated, take a beat and consider what your and your partner's actual intentions are. "Do you just want to feel safe? Does your spouse just want to feel heard?" she asked. "Look for the real goal, and you can find a win/win for both of you."
This also helps prevent the all too common situation where an argument starts out being about one thing but spins out of control into being about another, and another, and another. Cut it off at the pass so you can focus on what the real issue is and work together to fix it.
2. Don't 'should' all over your spouse.
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Keeley said that most fights between partners arise out of expectations of how one party "should" be behaving or handling things — how they should speak, feel, or act. This can quickly put someone on the defensive and make them feel scrutinized and rejected.
"Love always allows freedom," she said. Giving your partner the latitude to simply be who they are instead of insisting they conform to a list of expectations frees you both from this kind of conflict and, as stated above, allows you to get to the heart of the matter when conflict arises.
Of course, this has to be within reason — sometimes our partners really are just far too different in their beliefs or approach for us to maintain common ground. But outside those extremes, relationships are all about communicating and addressing each other's needs, which are different than expectations.
3. Be intimate every day.
Ohhhhkay. Record scratch. This is totally unfeasible for a LOT of people, and undesirable even to many who can work a daily love fest into the schedule. Your mileage may vary, as they say.
However, Keeley said that intimacy is ultimately about "staying connected" and, crucially, "alignment of energy" between partners. Not only does it help keep you in tune with each other, but perhaps more importantly, it provides a launchpad for digging into why you're not lining up.
If daily intimacy (or weekly or whatever works for you) is a non-starter for you and your partner, Keeley said this "provides a perfect platform to share with each other why not." Discussing what might be standing in the way is a means of sussing out potential issues before they become major problems, and that's one of the keys to a lasting relationship.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.