6 Missteps That Look Like Red Flags In A Man — But They're Really Not, According To Research
These flaws aren't worth breaking up over.
Subhaan Saleem | Unsplash It’s difficult to know which behaviors to forgive and which are true red flags, the ones that signal it’s time to break up. The simple answer is that red flags are signs of character flaws that tell you to walk away.
However, there are behaviors that many women break up over, and in many cases, the relationship could have been saved. If he’s a man of character and he makes a mistake or misbehaves from time to time, I encourage you to give him a break.
These missteps might look like red flags in a man, but they're not:
1. Not knowing how to help
If he doesn’t ask about something important to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an insensitive guy. It probably means that he is uncomfortable talking about emotions. Forgive him for that. You’ve been conditioned to express your emotions your whole life. He hasn’t.
So, help him out. For example, tell him you’d like to talk about something challenging that happened that day. Ask if it’s a good time to talk.
Tell him what you want from him. If you just want him to listen, tell him. If you want problem-solving, tell him. Men’s default setting is to fix. It can drive women bonkers. So if you don’t want him to fix the problem, just ask him to listen and maybe even hold your hand or hug you.
2. Taking his partner for granted
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If you’ve showered him with home-cooked meals, gifts, and your unconditional love before you’ve established a relationship, don’t be surprised if he starts to take you for granted.
I once dated a guy who brought me an over-the-top gift on our first date. On the second date, he cooked a three-course meal. On the third date, he cooked again, and when he saw how much I liked what he made, he went out and bought some for me to take home to my kids. I was uncomfortable taking, taking, taking before there was a relationship.
So, ladies, if you want to make his favorite Peruvian duck with chocolate mousse for dessert, wait until you’re in a relationship. As a woman, you define your value by receiving and allowing, not by giving and doing. Show a good man you’re a woman of value, and don’t give unconditionally before there’s a relationship.
Research on the perceived benefits and costs of romantic relationships found that women "regarded intimacy, self-growth, self-understanding, and positive self-esteem as more important benefits, and regarded loss of identity and innocence about relationships and love as more important costs."
3. Keeping his thoughts and feelings inside
Forgive a guy who grunts one-word answers to your questions. If you want him to open up, ask an open-ended question, not a closed question where “yes” or “no” are the only answers.
And remember that a lot of men are not long-winded. They don’t embellish when they talk. They tend to speak in ‘headlines’, while women tell stories with lots of sidebars. So, when you’re communicating with a man, make sure to speak in a language he can follow. Bottom line your story, and save the juicy details for your girlfriends.
4. Not knowing how to read your emotions
Most men are great at problem-solving. They like to fix things. So when you’re upset and he doesn’t know how to comfort you, he’s at a loss without the tools to fix the problem. He will probably become frustrated and shut down.
Men might struggle more than women with perceiving and understanding subtle emotions, particularly in others, which is not necessarily a red flag. One 2018 study found that while men might take longer and find it harder to read emotions from others, particularly women's emotions, this does not indicate a lack of empathy or emotional intelligence.
When I was in my twenties, I went cross-country with my boyfriend. By the third day, I felt like I had made a huge mistake. He was ignoring me most of the time, and that night, as we sat around our campfire, I was crying. He asked if I had a cold. I couldn’t believe how insensitive he was. Didn’t he know I was upset? I was mortified and embarrassed, but I didn’t have the words to express myself back then like I do now.
If you’re upset, please tell him how you’re feeling and what you need. He will love knowing how to make you happier, but he can’t read your mind. Men are terrible guessers. So, don’t leave a guy for not knowing how to comfort you.
5. Refusing to learn to listen
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Women complain that men don’t listen. Men complain that women don’t listen. One of the biggest issues in relationships is that men and women don’t listen to each other.
Why do women often think that men don’t listen? Probably because he’s in the middle of a task when you’re talking to him. Most men are single-task-oriented, while women are better at multitasking.
Forgive him for being focused on one task when you want him to hear you. He’s probably not ignoring you. It’s just the way his brain works. So, check in with him, and make sure he’s done with that task and is open to listening before beginning a conversation. That way, you’ll be able to get his full attention.
Family therapist Carol Tuttle recommended to "Talk before he starts a project — and if you forget before he gets started, respect his time and let him finish. Ask him if this is a good time to talk. If it isn't, schedule a better time to talk with him when you can both give each other your full attention without being distracted by a task at hand or time restrictions because one of you has to get ready to get out of the door to pick up the kids or take care of something else that will likely keep him preoccupied."
6. Shutting down when women get upset
It can be very challenging when a man withdraws when you’re angry at him. But let’s turn it around for a moment and take a closer look at how you behave when you’re angry. Do you express yourself easily, or do you hold in your anger, accommodating him even though you’re angry, suppressing your needs until you’re ready to implode?
If you often withhold your feelings and then accuse or rage, he’ll probably get defensive or shut down. Can you blame him? He’s bracing for an attack. A 2012 study of emotional and relational costs of suppressing emotions in romantic relationships found "increases in emotional suppression during daily sacrifice were associated with decreases in emotional well-being and relationship quality as reported by both members."
Forgive a man for becoming defensive or shutting down when you react, attack, or blame, and learn better communication skills when your feelings are hurt. Address the issues when they come up, when they’re still small, before they become so big you can’t take them anymore. Of course, if you do consistently express yourself well, and he still gets defensive or shuts down, that’s a reason to leave him.
When the attraction is strong and hormones are coursing through your body, it’s easy to dismiss red flags. Keep your eyes open, especially at the start of a relationship, and separate the true character flaws from minor infractions.
Most of all, know your value. The high-value woman who can communicate her values and relationship standards through her actions and words attracts the highest-value men and has the healthiest, most loving relationship.
Sandy Weiner is a dating coach and the chief love officer of Last First Date. She’s an internationally known dating coach, blogger, radio host, communications expert, and TEDx speaker.
