How Men And Women's Brains Fall In Love Completely Differently, According To Psychology
The science behind how we fall in love the way we do.
vladans | Canva How do you fall in love? That was the question I set out to answer. As a biologist, I understand what happens to the brain when you fall in love. It is the increase or decrease of certain neurotransmitters that give you that unmistakable euphoric feeling of love. But, how do you get there? What causes one person to fall in love and not another?
As I pondered this question, I had the opportunity to explore it with my cousin, who has a PhD in Biochemistry. During our discussion, my then 95-year-old grandmother interrupted me to say, "You young people don’t know anything about love." She was right. That’s why we were having the discussion.
She then said, "Back in my day, a girl knew if she wanted a guy to fall in love, she couldn’t sleep with him right away. She’ll fall in love, but a boy doesn’t fall in love that way."
I had heard that logic before, such as the three-date rule, or the 90-day rule in Steve Harvey’s book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Those rules suggest that you wait a certain time before you begin an intimate relationship. But, I didn’t think there was any science to support that idea. So I set out to learn first, how we fell in love and second, if my grandmother was right.
Researchers at Emory University decided to investigate the process using a unique creature, the monogamous prairie vole, and what they discovered helped us to understand how people fall in love.
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The research revealed that the process is different for males than for females. Put in human terms, men and women fall in love very differently.
What the researchers found was that certain types of neurotransmitters must increase to reach the neurological tipping point of falling in love. The importance of dopamine and oxytocin levels for women, and dopamine, testosterone, and vasopressin for men. But, even more important, how do they increase in each of us, and how does our behavior affect that increase?
According to additional research from Harvard University, when we are "falling in love," our body has a physical reaction. Chemicals associated with the reward circuit flood our brain, producing a variety of physical and emotional responses, such as racing hearts, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, feelings of passion, and anxiety.
So, while adding a scientific explanation to love might make it appear less romantic, it seems like my grandmother’s wisdom holds up to scientific scrutiny after all.
Dawn Maslar MS is the go-to authority on the science of love, an adjunct biology professor and author. She is the founder of New Dawn Dating, a website with dating experts who provide dating tips and guides to help people improve their dating experience and achieve their goals.