Twice-Married Former Matchmaker Shares The Dating Advice She'd Give Her 30-Year-Old Self
It's not the easiest advice to hear, but it comes from a place of knowing your own worth.
cottonbro studio / Pexels Tamsen Fadal, a former matchmaker who was “married and divorced and remarried,” offered guidance to people looking for love, based on her own lived experience.
She posted a video on TikTok of herself going through her skincare routine, while giving a straightforward message to her former self, and whoever else needed to hear her tough love.
The former matchmaker shared 8 pieces of dating advice she’d give her 30-year-old self.
1. If you’re in the gray area, get out.
Fadal spritzed her face as she shared her first piece of advice, which focused on being with someone who expresses how they feel about you clearly and directly.
“You deserve somebody so sure about you, they make sure you know it,” she emphasized.
While opening up and laying ourselves bare is never easy, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is what creates connection. We should share ourselves within intimate relationships, and expect to have that behavior mirrored back to us.
2. Believe in your own value.
“Sometimes, you can’t find the relationship you want because deep down, you don’t believe you’re worthy of it,” Fadal shared, while dotting cream on the skin under her eyes.
This piece of advice echoes the age-old adage that we accept the love we think we deserve. If we secretly harbor so much self-loathing that it reverberates outward, the people we attract will fit into the pattern of our self-hate.
3. You can’t build a deep connection with someone who isn’t connected with themselves.
The message in her third piece of advice is crystal clear, and again hinges on accepting the love we believe we deserve.
People who aren’t willing to do the work to be self-reflective, or figure out their own attachment styles and how those patterns relate to intimacy, aren’t going to be able to provide a deeper sense of connection, no matter how much you want to be in a relationship with them.
Photo: Viktoria Slowikowska / Pexels
4. Hiding how your partner treats you is a major red flag.
“If you’re hiding what your partner is doing or saying to you from your friends and family, it’s pretty much over,” Fadal said, spreading serum over her cheeks.
What she said holds weight. If you can’t be honest with the people you love about how your relationship is going, it’s no longer a solid relationship to be a part of.
5. Changing partners can be a sign of not wanting to change oneself.
Fadal removed a stopper from a bottle, squeezing a product called Glow Drops into her palms. As she rubbed her palms together and patted her face, she shared her next piece of advice, which was that change doesn’t always show growth.
“Sometimes, people change partners so they can avoid altogether changing themselves,” she explained. Yet as the saying goes, even if you’re changing your environment, or the relationships you’re in, you can’t outrun your emotional landscape.
True change comes from working on one's self, and not everyone is willing or ready to do that intense kind of labor.
Photo: Josh Willink / Pexels
6. Setting boundaries is a measure of self-protection.
“If they are constantly coming in and out of your life, it’s because you’re making yourself accessible, not because they care,” Fadal stated, while in the anti-age cream part of her skincare routine.
Letting someone in again and again, even after we know they aren’t a good match for us, is common practice. In some ways, it’s part of the growing pains of learning how to conduct relationships.
Recognizing our own self-worth and setting up clear boundaries in relationships is a way to take care of ourselves, and protect ourselves from being stuck in that on-again, off-again dance with partners who don’t fully complete us.
7. Start difficult conversations from a place of compassion.
“Make sure you always approach a hard conversation with warmth and vulnerability, even if they’re not showing it,” Fadal said, as she lined her lips with a moisturizing balm.
A major part of being in a relationship with someone is navigating the tough topics, something that’s bound to raise our defenses. Yet showing grace and empathy for the other person in that conversation is crucial, as it allows you to come to the table with your best intentions towards understanding already set.
Photo: Anna Tarazevich / Pexels
8. If someone wants to leave you, let them.
“This is a tough one to hear,” Fadal warned, while putting body oil on her arms. “If they wanna break up with you, go ahead and let them.”
Sometimes, the best advice is the hardest to accept, and with this piece of advice, Fadal strikes a resonant chord. In the eternal words of American icon Bonnie Rait, “You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.” If a relationship is struggling, or one person doesn’t want to stay, you have to let them go.
Fadal’s advice takes a no-nonsense approach to love and relationships, marking that the ultimate act of self-care and self-love is to understand just how worthy you are, and move along from there.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers relationships, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.