I Was Married — And Madly In Love With A Woman
The heart wants what it wants.
Kosamtu | Canva Labels aren’t my favorite thing. They irritate me in clothing and life. I’ve never been one to adhere to the hetero-normative ideal, even as a child. I wore what I wanted, played how I wanted, and loved who I wanted. I just did most of it in secret.
But labels have a purpose and for this piece, I identify as pansexual. Which is different from bisexuality, one study went out to prove. Essentially, I love the person, without regard for gender or sexuality. I’ve been in relationships with men and women, separately and together.
For the most part, the women I’ve dated were either bisexual or pansexual until I met Mara.
In the good old days, when you could still post personal ads on Craigslist, I had an ad searching for a woman. I was married to my second husband at the time; we were in an open relationship. He was away a lot and at the time, I wasn’t "feeling" men.
I wasn’t looking for a hookup, either; I wanted a real connection. I wanted something that would evolve into a long-term relationship. After weeding through cam girls, bots, and men, I stumbled upon an email that showed true promise.
Mara was only a couple of months younger than me and lived about two hours away. She taught literature at a local community college, loved classic rock, and rode a Harley.
In my ad, I explained my situation in detail. I’ve always been upfront and blunt about my intentions. I was surprised she responded, but Mara never minded that I enjoyed being with men as well as women.
Mara had never been with a man, but being intimate with her was unlike anything I experienced with a woman before or since.
There was an intimacy present from the beginning that I still can’t explain. We both have body image issues, so there was innocence there, almost a shyness.
She took her time with me and me with her, exploring one another’s bodies with tenderness. I remember thinking I would never touch the skin so soft and wondering how it was possible a woman who spent so much time under the rays of the beating sun could feel like lambskin.
She smelled like sunshine and sunflowers and tasted of raindrops and moonlight and a hint of the ocean, always. Her touch was like soft kisses down my spine, making me shiver in anticipation.
Darina Belonogova / Pexels
Mara forever owns a piece of my heart and I hope, I have a piece of hers as well.
Stolen kisses in bathrooms, because why not? Two women going to the restroom are expected. She wasn’t my first love, nor was I her but we behaved as if we were.
I don't know how many loves we get in a lifetime, but I was lucky to have her as one of my own. For me, falling in love happens very fast and very easily, as is common in women one study went on to prove.
Ultimately, I couldn’t give her what she wanted and we parted ways. My time with Mara is one of my fondest and hottest memories.
Demeter Delune is an intimacy educator, freelance writer, and intimacy/relationship coach. Her bylines have appeared on The Daily Dot, MamaMia, Passionfruit, Medium, and Giddy, among others.