How To Make A Man Feel Seen & Fully Appreciated
Being fully seen feels like being home.
orion productions / shutterstock.com One of the keys to success in long-term relationships is to show appreciation toward the person we love.
It seems like this should be easy; but we get comfortable, accustomed to, and attached to the actions of those who make our lives easier, simpler, and more joyful.
Because of stress, demands, and commitments, we too often spend too little time giving a second’s thought to why we are ecstatic, happy, melancholy, sad, upset, or really pissed off. We just react.
The quality of our relationships is sacrificed in these reactive moments when we stop "seeing" the people we love, stop appreciating who they are inside and the role they play in our lives. This can happen to both men and women.
Sometimes, we take for granted the people who help create the circumstances that shape our emotional lives.
We call this pattern “The Cycle of Invisibility.” And men — even tough guys — are susceptible to the emotional pitfalls of it.
It's important to see and appreciate the man in your life.
What does the Cycle of Invisibility have to do with making your husband or long-time boyfriend feel seen and appreciated? Everything!
When relationships diminish in value and become invisible physically as well as to our hearts, feeling seen and appreciated is impossible. Experience may actually tell us that everything is OK, but if asked if we truly believe it or trust that feeling, the answer is mostly "no."
How can we overcome the Cycle of Invisibility? It’s much easier than one would think and once the process becomes habitual, it is more fun and rewarding than we might imagine. And most important, your significant other will feel seen and appreciated.
When we’re truly ready for the passion, desire, commitment, and dedication to come streaming back into our love lives, here are a few simple steps to take.
3 steps toward effectively showing appreciation for the man in your life
Most of us are acutely aware of everything that annoys and aggravates us. It’s not difficult for us to describe what we don’t have, and what needs fixing, replacing, or getting rid of.
Because put most of our focus is on what we don’t want, guess what happens? We get more and more of exactly what we focus on. It’s time to change that!
This requires us to consciously change our focus from what’s bad to what’s good. The simplest and most immediate way to do this is by asking ourselves a couple of very direct questions. Get out a journal or type the answers in a notepad on a phone. There is huge value in these lists.
1. Begin with self-evaluation
First, ask yourself: “What is good or great about my life?”
It doesn’t matter how horrible things may seem in this moment, there is always something good or great happening to or for us. Examples:
- I’m alive.
- I have a bed to sleep in.
- I have food to eat.
- My kids are fed and in school.
- I have a job.
- I have a partner.
- I have a private jet available to me whenever I want.
No matter how simple or how extravagant, there is always more that we can appreciate and value about our lives than not. If it were the other way around none of us would be reading this article right now.
Then, ask yourself, "Our husbands, boyfriends, or significant partners are doing something other than just breathing. What are the benefits, no matter how large or small their actions are?"
Examples:
- They open the car door for me.
- They do my taxes.
- They pick up groceries or the dog poop in the yard.
- They pick up my clothes.
- They give me space.
- They give me silence so I can just think and feel.
- They offer their opinion.
- They support me.
- They let me support them.
- They father our child.
- They make love to me.
- They don’t make love to me but they do other things I ask for.
- They let me talk about my emotions and my friends.
- They notice when I wear something special.
- They make me dinner.
- They work all day (and night).
This list could go on and on ...
2. Look for & appreciate the gift in every action
We may think there is nothing special about picking up dog poop or holding down a job because we feel this is their responsibility, or that is the least they can do in exchange for our presence in their life.
If any of our beliefs about what is special or not is motivated by an “exchange” of service, attention, or even presence, this is the first thing that MUST change NOW. Our husbands or boyfriends are never going to truly feel seen or appreciated if this is how we place value on our partners.
We can try and continue to fake it and our partners might fall for it for a second, but inside, their body, their heart, and their soul know better.
Ever wonder how people get blind-sided by a partner leaving? It’s because the focus has been all about what they can do for each other, while inside they are not really fulfilled. When they look back on their past relationship, most people admit they knew there was something missing, but chose not to believe it or confront it.
These painful surprises do not happen when you take the simple steps suggested here.
3. Experience and demonstrate genuine gratitude
By now we should have a list of activities and actions that we know have real value to us. One of the most powerful gifts we can give ourselves and those we care about is the practice of genuine gratitude.
Too often gratitude looks like, “Gee, thanks for taking out the garbage.” Or “I’m grateful you take the kids to school.” Or some other statement of fact uttered without much emotion or conviction around it, if any.
The missing piece often is the depth of our statement of gratitude.
If we don’t fully embody the thanks that we are expressing we are speaking gratitude, but not truly feeling it.
Genuine gratitude is almost tangible. We must know in every way that our appreciation for both the small and the big things is grounded in our bodies with a solid knowledge of absolute value and importance.
We just don’t think it. We feel it to our core. It’s real. It’s warm and fuzzy. It’s inspiring. Our eyes light up and our whole body smiles with awareness.
When we give ourselves the time to fully experience the gifts in our life, the world changes and rises up to meet us.
How to make sure the man in your life feels seen
1. Understand what it truly means to be "seen".
We have heard the expression, “Our eyes are the doorway to our soul.” Being seen has nothing to do with what we visually look at. It is about who we are within.
Think about it like this. If our man looks at us and notices we did our makeup, put on a flattering outfit, and have a bit of a twinkle in our eyes, that feels pretty good. But a perfect stranger could notice the same things and it feels equally as good.
Now, if our man notices what he sees on the surface and goes deeper to also notice the desire within us to please, tease, be playful, creative, and feminine, and appreciate the parts of us that drive those behaviors, now we feel seen at a completely different level. They see inside us. They recognize and appreciate the parts of us that matter way more to us than the makeup we wear or the clothing we put on. They see our divine presence.
Being seen feels like home.
It feels like you’re exactly where you are meant to be in this precious present. It’s both calming, inspiring, and life-giving. We all know this to be true because we have felt it. It’s precious. It feeds our souls and literally nourishes us from the deepest recess of our being.
The person that sees us to this level is more than an acquaintance and more than just family. This person is a soul mate, a true partner, and a dedicated and devoted companion and lover. The only time this relationship expires is when we stop seeing and when we stop being a reflection of gratitude to our husbands and long-term boyfriends.
2. Acknowledge his individuality
If you must know just one thing, know this: What we see inside our men will be unique and special to that person. It transcends all the annoying things we may feel about their behaviors or habits.
And to fully see them we must forget everything we have been told or read about “what men are,” or “what men need.” None of that information tells us specifically about our man.
We allow ourselves to fully see the attributes and gifts, no matter how small or large because we forbid ourselves to judge. We do this just long enough to see beyond the behaviors and into the little boy, the evolving man, the practicing prince, and the kind that has already decided you are the one they want to be with. They simply await your confirmation.
This is way easier than imagined. And our lives are instantly easier and far less complicated because we have allowed ourselves this genuine expression.
Instead of dreaming about a man that truly wants us. Instead of worrying about how long a relationship will last. Take a few moments every day to see and appreciate our men.
We won’t have to blurt it out, send a love note, or take any special action for our men to know we see and appreciate them because they will feel it. They will notice the difference in our attitude, our behavior, in our eyes, and especially in our embrace. When we let them know what we really see we are the doorway to their soul.
They know that it is us that brought them home and they are exactly where they want to be.
Larry Michel is the Founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics and a Relationship Restoration Counselor, helping individuals and couples discover the deepest influences that drive their relationships to flourish.