4 Loving Things Unhappy Husbands Should Do Instead Of Cheating, Says Couples Counselor
Cheating doesn't happen accidentally.
Dean Drobot | Canva When Ashley Madison's confidential data leaked, it was reported there were 39 million subscribers in 53 countries on Ashley Madison. Is no one faithful these days? Do all men cheat? And if so, why do men cheat?
What I've found through my practice over the years are the top five things men are looking for when they decide to enter into an extramarital affair, unconsciously in many cases. (It's not just about the intimacy, seriously!)
So, how do we solve this problem?
Yes, the obvious answer is that if he's unhappy he should leave the relationship, but as with most things in life, it's not usually a black-and-white situation.
Sure there's a part that the partner plays in all this, but I'm talking about the male side of the equation and what the man can do to find what he's looking for within his relationship.
Here are 4 loving things unhappy husbands should do instead of cheating:
1. Be upfront about what you want
Speak up about what is concerning you or lacking in your relationship — regardless of the response that comes up from your partner.
If you want something different in your relationship, you need to become courageous and communicate clearly what you want and what you need. Then the possibility of creating something very different and special can exist.
2. Take responsibility for your actions
Be open and interested in what you are doing to contribute to the state of your relationship. And be willing to make your own changes. It's not only about your partner, it's about you, too.
3. Recognize the difference between intimate feelings and taking action
Intimate feelings, like all our other feelings, are not under our control. Acting on our feelings is totally under our control. Don't use the "I just couldn't help myself" line to excuse your behavior because it's not an excuse. There is no excuse.
If you are not fulfilled in your relationship and you think that the answer is to cheat, think again.
The answer is to delve into yourself and your partner and your relationship to create something new. And if that is not possible then the answer may be to leave the relationship — openly, clearly, and courageously.
4. Make your relationship your top priority
Maybe we've taken our relationships for granted or maybe we set our relationship goals too low. What would happen if we shot for the moon when it comes to our intimate relationship and made this partnership our highest priority?
Through making our connection our highest priority we can begin to learn so much about our partner and ourselves such that life feels exciting and alive all the time.
You may be wondering: "Why do men cheat?" There are a variety of answers, but the biggest one, according to research, is a lack of intimacy from their partner.
Here are the main 5 things men are looking for when they cheat:
1. An emotional connection
This one may be shocking to some out there. As relationships mature, power struggles tend to become more prevalent (as obvious as the "I'm Right"/"No, I'm Right" conversation and as subtle as the timing and frequency of intimacy.)
When a man experiences repeated power struggles with his spouse, his natural tendency is to "go to his cave," which means he gets quiet, distant, and grumpy. And that makes an emotional connection with his spouse that much more difficult.
Over time he begins to miss the emotional connection he previously felt with his spouse. When he meets someone new and they accept him for "who he is" it's much easier for him to connect with his emotions and feel that connection with this new and interesting person.
Of course, when the lust and honeymoon period are over and the power struggles start to arise in the new relationship he'll likely revert to his well-learned pattern and his struggles will start all over again. It's a vicious cycle. Might I suggest that we men get our struggle with power in check?
2. Appreciation
When appreciation stops being quite so obvious and plentiful from their spouse — and if the relationship contains a heavy dose of blame and criticism (as most do) or even possibly contempt — men start looking for positive affirmations from others.
With the new love interest, everything is wonderful in the first flush of a new relationship.
3. Intimacy
Men want a partner who will listen, who will volunteer information about their own lives and discoveries, and someone who smiles and excitedly shares their hopes and dreams.
Juan Pablo Serrano / Pexels
If this is at all surprising it may be from the fact that men don't generally know how to communicate this.
In their existing relationship, they tend to think, "We're married so therefore I know everything about you." In a new relationship everything is new and exciting and learning about the new partner is initially easy and the feeling of intimate connection is created.
4. Feeling wanted
Everyone wants to feel wanted regardless of age, gender, or occupation. Men are no different. And men tend to be socialized to provide security and strength as an expectation, rather than something to be appreciated for.
As life moves along a man can often feel like he is taken for granted. Meaning, that he feels like he only matters because of what he can provide, not because of who he is. In a new relationship suddenly he matters again.
5. Physical intimacy
I said it wasn't all about physical intimacy, not that it wasn't involved. Men generally do want this, and obviously the more the better. It's one way that men feel connected to their partner.
Men also feel appreciated and wanted when they sleep with their partner.
So for men, this level of intimacy provides the first four items on our list plus physical pleasure that allows men to focus totally on the present moment. In a new relationship, this tends to be a lot more frequent. At least initially!
Bob Tomes and Jane Warren are divorce and life coaches who focus on using the pain of divorce to springboard their clients into their vibrant new lives.