A Love Letter To Helen Fisher: A Deeply Personal Tribute To A Brilliant Woman
World renown biological anthropologist and true friend, Helen Fisher, taught us all pretty much everything we know about love.
YourTango via YouTube One of my favorite people and dearest friends just died. I am so very, very heartbroken to have lost the brilliant, beautiful Dr. Helen Fisher, an absolute giant in my life and to so many other people.
To manage my grief and to pay tribute to this extraordinary woman, I have written a love letter to her and I have asked a few others who also loved her to contribute.
Dearest Helen,
As you swore a lot, which I love because i do, too, I have to start by asking, what the f#%@k? Why did you go so soon? You were one of my friends who I could count on staying late! We had so much more fun ahead of us!
Here’s what your dear, darling John shared when he broke your terrible news to me a few days ago:
"She remained her irrepressibly cheerful self to the end, handling everything with grace and courage. Despite growing steadily weaker, she heroically finished her book and turned in the manuscript last Monday. 'My work is done,' she said. 'I've had a magical life and accomplished more than I ever expected. I'm ready to die.'"
Helen, you just finished your magnum opus. I am so very, very proud of you. You were such an incredibly passionate, hard worker. Despite your illness, you continued to plow away at the manuscript that you believed in so passionately. This was the book you had inside of you for at least a decade. Maybe longer. I was SO thrilled when Christy Fletcher and her team at UTA shared your enthusiasm and as a result, your final book, Thinking Four Ways: How to Connect with Anyone Using Brain Science, will be published by Knopf, the ultimate publishing house — especially for a book like yours.
Helen, there’s so much that I loved and admired about you. I am so glad we got to be such close pals over the nearly 20 years we knew each other.
You were the ultimate, coolest female friend — like one of the coolest girl friends a gal could have. Here’s why.
You were smart as hell. Duh. I mean, you were totally brilliant. But, what was amazing is that because you were so warm and friendly, fun and funny and truly down to earth, you were never intimidating. You would talk about sex! A lot! Respectfully and enthusiastically. You respected sex and how important sex is in our lives as happy, fulfilled adults. And guess what: you always had the data to prove it.
You LOVED talking about the data!!
Andrea Miller
Whether it was from your many years of being Chief Scientific Officer to and working closely with Match.com/Chemistry.com — doing their Singles in America Study — I believe you last told me like 16 million people took your survey!! — or being able to reference the data from the hundreds of people that you and your colleague Lucy Brown put into MRI machines so that you could see how their brains would light up relative to their experience in love and relationship at the time.
You always had the data — and even better — you could recall it perfectly and with so much excitement.
You were so curious! And adventurous! And so passionate about your work! You were so passionate about love. You were the consummate romantic. How appropriate given you were literally the #1 most quoted person on love!!
Helen, you were always so fun to be with. And energetic! You would tell the most amazing stories about being in some of the most remote places in the world, riding a yak, staying in a yurt or a hut, embracing the people you met with your full heart, truly seeing them, learning from them, honoring their lived experiences through your work.
Andrea Miller
You led such a glamorous, fascinating, successful and highly impactful life. You hung out with a LOT of famous and influential people. And yet, it never went to your head. You were always our dear, down to earth, darling Helen.
And, like a kiss a$$ girlfriend, you always said yes! I asked you to do a ton of things with me — and for me — from being one of my first guests on our new podcast to speaking at events I was hosting to coming to see shows with me and Sanjay at Lincoln Center to joining us for dinner at our Upper West Side apartment and so much more.
You always said yes! You were always up for time together, to put yourself out there.
Even when you were very sick and exhausted this spring. You said yes to meeting me for overpriced tea at The Pierre. I didn’t realize this would be the last time I would see you. I am so glad for those last ~90 minutes on such a beautiful spring day to laugh with you, to swap our updates, to mutually admire, to just be with you. You were always so caring.
God, I’m going to miss you.
Andrea Miller
Your sister affectionately called you Lizzie. At some point I began to call you Lizzie Chana Masala as you loved that particular Indian dish so I would lure you to have dinner at our place so that we could serve you home made chana masala.
You were so appreciative! You often recounted things I gifted you or helped you with that I had totally forgotten about. But you remembered. Helen, you were so very, very gracious. You had such a big, beautiful heart to match that incredibly brilliant mind of yours. And your very courageous spirit. You never shied away from speaking your truth when it was important and you always gave such wonderful, honest, caring advice.
You were truly singular, Helen Fisher.
There is SO MUCH more about you and your outsized impact you had professionally on the world that the NY Times and other outlets will or have already covered. I wanted this love letter to be about you as an incredible friend and what I personally admired about you — and for a handful of others who knew you well — along with some who were moved by your work — to share their tributes to you.
Wherever you are in the spirit world, I know you’re smiling and appreciative as you read these messages of deep love and admiration.
Finally, my friend, who dearly loved poetry, I leave this final one for you.
On Death
Then Almitra spoke, saying, We would ask now of Death.
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.
My heart aches that you’re gone from this 3D world but I know we will unite on the other side, wherever that is. We were kindred spirits for a long time and will continue to be as I will carry you in my heart, always.
Andrea Miller
As you would sign off in your emails to me, Love you dearly, kiddo. xoxoxo, H
Love you, too, Lizzie Chana Masala.
xoxoxo, A
P.S. Helen, you were such a passionate, outspoken advocate for female reproductive rights. I bet if I asked you how people could honor you now and I suggested, "What about contributing to Planned Parenthood so that women and girls could have their reproductive rights protected?” You would look at me with your big, beautiful brown eyes and say, “ABSOLUTELY!”
(Like me, you spoke enthusiastically and loved to use ALL CAPS in your emails — along with many exclamation points!!! — because, well, there’s a LOT to be EXCITED ABOUT!!!!!!! I loved your enthusiasm!)
Saying 'I love you' to Helen Fisher, the woman who helped us all better understand love
"I have known Helen for a long time, both as colleague and friend. On the professional side, I am deeply impressed and appreciative of the extent and depth of her contribution to my life long interest, love and its vicissitudes. Her empirical research was indispensable to and confirming of my clinical experience! On the personal side we met and talked at professional conferences and once a memorable time at her home where with our spouses we took a long walk! Helen will be missed from the podium and from informal conversations!"
— Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, founders of Imago Relationship Therapy
"Helen’s vibrant energy and playful spirit has illuminated our complex transdisciplinary field, where passionate explorers, regardless of discipline, have delved into our biological foundations to understand and enhance human relationships. Helen will be missed, but her contributions will continue to guide us in optimizing how we connect with each other."
— Dr. Stephen Porges, psychologist, neuroscientist, and author of The Polyvagal Theory
"Love is real and Helen proved it.
"More than anyone else in the Western world, Helen Fisher legitimized the scientific study of love. Her ideas were far ahead of their time and of the several fields of science she crossed in a career that spanned half a century. Helen explained love to a broad audience with books, data and approachable theories, including her elegant presence on countless documentaries. She launched pioneering studies of the neuroscience of what humans experience as 'love.' In collaboration with Lucy Brown and Art Aron, Helen used brain imaging to trace the neurobiology of relationship formation and eventually to show that the biology of love parallels that of addiction.
"When I was Executive Director of the Kinsey Institute, I was honored to claim Helen as a member of the Kinsey staff. We will miss her. Helen and I entered science through different disciplines (Anthropology versus Biology). Over the decades we became friends and also came to the same basic conclusion. Love is based on biology."
— Sue Carter, Ph.D., Distinguished Research Professor and Rudy Professor of Biology, Emerita, The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University, Bloomington, IN
"My colleague Georgia Bodnar and I had the great pleasure of working together with Helen on her final book Thinking Four Ways. She was so sharp, thoughtful, and hardworking, determined to do justice to the work on the page and bring it to life. And she did. She possessed such a rare combination of intellectual curiosity, rigor and the ability to convey ideas on the page so compellingly. We were thrilled by the response to the material early on and she seemed delighted to know it would be published all over the world.
"When she delivered her book to her editor and I barely a month ago, she signed off the email 'happy days ahead.' At the time, she hadn’t shared that she was unwell so it didn’t strike me as anything remarkable. But when I learned that she was dying, I went back to see if I had somehow missed something. I saw that phrase again and believe that knowing her work was completed really did mean she could look into the future, knowing it would be published all around the world and see happy days ahead, even if she wouldn’t be here for it.
"I’m so sorry we won’t get to see the process through together but I’m immensely proud to be playing a part in shepherding into the world. I’m grateful to have had the time we did. She was a remarkable woman (an understatement) and will be missed.
"With love and respect,"
— Christy Fletcher, United Talents Agency
"If you ever met Dr. Helen Fisher, you know that she was relentlessly curious, a creative scientist, and a dedicated collaborator. Weaving together biological and cross-cultural evidence, her innovative ideas about love and sex will continue to shape the field, and public discourse, for many years to come. It was my great honor, and a total thrill, to collaborate with Helen in so many exciting ways, from the 2010 launch of Match's annual Singles in America study, to sharing the stage and delivering speeches together, to co-authoring over a dozen articles and chapters on the science of human intimacy. I am heartbroken to have lost such a towering colleague, generous mentor, and dear friend. I will always remember Helen as kind, hilarious, and absolutely charming – and true to her own scholarship, she loved a good love story."
— Justin R. Garcia, Ph.D., Executive Director & Senior Scientist, Kinsey Institute, Indiana University, Scientific Advisor, Match
"Twenty years ago, Match convinced Dr. Helen Fisher to take a meeting with us. We asked one simple question, 'Why does one person fall in love with another?' And as she always said, it was the first time someone had actually stumped her. So began her journey with us to learn more.
"Dr. Fisher was a true pioneer in the world of online dating. 15 million of our members took her personality questionnaire while she watched and analyzed who was drawn to whom. She championed our business with unmatched enthusiasm, and helped to remove the stigma of dating online through her science. She taught us about slow love, the Clooney effect, why men are the more romantic sex, and most importantly, why cultural trends and new technologies will never kill the human drive to find love.
"Whenever Dr. Fisher was in our offices, there was an unabated energy and excitement. We clung to every word, laughed at her many tales, and threw every idea we had at her to get her take. We will truly miss partnering with her, but we will continue to honor Dr. Fisher’s passion for human connection in all that we do."
— Amy Canady, The Match Group
"Despite working as her YourTango editor for years, communicating via short and to-the-point emails, I didn't really 'meet' Helen until our first Zoom call a few years ago. Immediately, it felt like we were friends. We laughed, commiserated, and plotted the next moves for our books, as we were on the same timeline for 2025 publishing. As someone at the beginning of my book publishing career, I felt undeserving of this camaraderie, but she made it clear that she simply didn’t see it that way. Seeing myself through her eyes helped me overcome my lifelong battle with Imposter Syndrome.
On a personal level, she was just fun. The way she’d say “JOANNA!” when we got on a call lit up my heart. Even from thousands of miles away, it felt like Helen saw me.
Her dedication to living the exact life she wanted, building the exact career she dreamed of, and experiencing true love the exact way it worked for her offered me a new model for how to navigate my own life – one I desperately needed – and I will always be grateful."
— Joanna Schroeder, Managing Editor at YourTango, author of the upcoming book Talk To Your Boys
"The moment I read the back cover of Dr. Helen Fisher’s 'The Anatomy of Love' in the student bookstore at Michigan State University, I knew I was in trouble. The SCIENCE of sex, love and attraction? This was precisely the kind of dangerous 'liberal' sacrilege I’d been warned about before leaving my hardline Christian home for college.
But for some reason, I couldn’t turn away, and what I read in those pages changed everything. Love and human connection became not sinful stumbling blocks or things I had to earn by being holy enough, but rather the most intrinsically meaningful parts of being alive. It let some of the first shafts of light into my brain that would eventually free me, and I hope Dr. Fisher knew just how important her work was — not just as a scientist and intellectual, but perhaps even more important, as an opener of hearts. It saved me, and I’m surely not the only one."
— John Sundholm, writer, editor and social media personality at YourTango
"Helen was ineffably beautiful and soulful. Her vibrant mind and spirit were a marvel of curiosity and seemingly infinite energy. She was a world-class thinker. Singular in her insights. Sensational in every sense, and in every conversation we ever had. When she spoke to me, or anyone, it felt as if time stood still. It was like we were suspended in a cocoon of joyful wonder. I couldn’t help but smile with appreciation.
"Helen was wild, fun, and funny as hell, too. In her characteristic irreverence, she told me some months back, 'Jonas, you can’t die if you’re always moving around.' Even as the angels of death closed in, she would remind me, they '...wouldn’t come knocking if they didn’t know where you were.'
"We talked about big ideas and books. I was fortunate to be able to help shepherd her final work to Christy and the team at UTA and onto Knopf. How she was able to finish her fascinating manuscript while fighting late-stage cancer speaks to her unstoppable grit and fighting spirit.
"I am honored to have known Helen. While I will miss hearing her voice, her curious and always exuberant 'HI JONAS, How are you, Kiddo!!!' greeting, and her gigantic presence, I take solace knowing her legacy not only endures, but will inspire generations of fearless scientists and humanists ahead.
"She burns brightly for all of us. Rest well, restless soul."
— Jonas Koffler, Senior Director, Product and Brand Innovation at YourTango
"Despite being a middle-aged man, Helen always called me 'kid.' It made me feel like she was ready to impart all the wisdom of the world to me like an uncle who had been to all 7 continents (and possibly left behind kids on 5 of them.) One of my favorites was after a breakup, 'Kid, closure is on you. Making up a reason for it is just as good or better than hearing the real reason from her.'"
— Thomas Miller, General Manager at YourTango
Andrea Miller is the founder and CEO of YourTango; host of the podcast “Getting Open;” an award-winning author of Radical Acceptance, The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love; and is a passionate relationship catalyst.