8 Little Ways To Stop Yourself From Cheating (Even If You Really Want To)
How to stop the temptation before it gets too far.
David De Lossy, Juanmonino | Canva If you suddenly find yourself in a boring marriage, the temptation to have an affair is exciting, but the truth is, you don't want to fall into the hole of infidelity. Someone just caught your eye in a new way — someone who is not your spouse. Maybe you've known them for years or maybe you've just met. The logical part of your brain says, "Don't do this. Cheating is not right." But, your brain's reactive limbic system screams, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Let's go for it!"
You stop momentarily and wonder...how did you end up here?! How did you end up considering turning into a cheating spouse?! If this sounds familiar, you aren't alone. Many experts say that women experience an increased desire to have an affair between 6-10 years of marriage, with a peak urge between ages 40-45 (just before menopause). Meanwhile, the desire for men to break their vows grows the longer they are married. Their infidelity rate peaks between ages 55-65.
Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? Why do people cheat on the spouses they claim to love? Many studies examine all the potential answers. Most agree that individuals are likelier to ignore their marriage vows when they feel jealous, angry, hurt, or intimately or emotionally unsatisfied. A team of Israeli researchers decided to look at the other half of the coin and explore how tempted folks stop themselves from cheating. They discovered that people who successfully avoid an affair tend to:
- Have high moral/religious standards.
- Worry that because of the affair, they might end up alone.
- Fear that the affair might harm their children.
- Consider who else might be hurt, specifically their new romantic partners.
If you are on the verge of being unfaithful and want to stop before it's too late, you first need to calm your brain's reactive limbic system. Go somewhere quiet and breathe, slowly. Once you feel more relaxed, consider the points above that make sense. As a marriage and family therapist, I've seen the immense damage infidelity does to relationships. The anger and loss of trust can be devastating. So, while you fight the urge to go off with someone else, invest in your current relationship. According to Marilyn Volker Ed.D., a nationally respected intimacy therapist, there are eight forms of intimacy.
Here are 8 ways to stop yourself from cheating, even if you want to:
1. Thank your partner
Thank your partner for something they do. Say, "I love you" or "I'm so glad we are together." Give them a hug and a quick kiss when they arrive home from work.
2. Do something physical together
Go for a walk, a swim, or a bike ride together. If you have a ping pong table, challenge your partner to a game or two.
Photo: Helena Lopes/Pexels
3. Enjoy something aesthetic
Go outside and watch the sunset together. Stroll through an art gallery and view the paintings. Join your partner in the den and ask Alexa to play a song you both enjoy.
4. Dig into your spirituality
Pray or meditate together. Discuss a spiritual topic, and attend church or synagogue together.
5. Discuss world events
If you share political views, discuss the election. Or, talk about a topic you recently heard or read about.
6. Go on a date
Go out to a restaurant, see a movie, double date with friends, etc.
7. Talk about how you feel
Share your feelings about something.
8. Build intimacy
Shower together, share a bubble bath, or more. So, don't be a cheating wife or a cheating husband. Avoid the temptation of having an affair by doing at least one of these 8 things in your marriage each day. As you may have guessed, being physical isn't the only way to build intimacy in a relationship.
Couples therapist, John Gottman, found that it takes 5 positive acts to make up for each negative one. That's how powerful hurtful words and actions can be. Use these forms of intimacy to help build up the number of positive acts you do. They will, hopefully, help you heal and strengthen your relationship. Are you in a good marriage that you would like to make even better?
Janis Roszler is a licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified therapist, author, and award-winning medical media producer. She travels internationally as a speaker on relationships and health-related topics.