12 Lessons Most Couples Learn Too Late In Life
These lessons are key to a long-lasting relationship.
Daniel de la Hoz from Getty Images via Canva Being in a relationship can offer you more than just romance: It can provide a sense of fulfillment and nourish the other aspects of your life, as well.
Yet just because you have a partner doesn't mean you have it all figured out. There's still opportunity for personal growth and change.
Here are 12 lessons most couples learn too late in life
1. It's okay to spend time apart
bbernard | Shutterstock
It's common for people to think that once they enter a relationship, they have to spend all their energy and focus on their partner in order for their love to flourish. In reality, the opposite is true.
Spending time together can help strengthen your connection, but so can spending time apart. It might sound counterintuitive, but separating from one other can keep the spark in your relationship lit.
According to relationship expert and dating coach Anna Karimo, alone time helps couples stay together in the long run. Being apart makes you grateful for your time together. It allows you to cultivate your own passions and maintain your sense of independence, which is essential for maintaining a solid connection.
Too much time together can create a relationship based on codependence, which, in the end, isn't a strong relationship at all. There's truth to the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." To make sure that your relationship will last, spend some quality time with yourself on a regular basis.
2. Saying what you need doesn't make you needy
ViDI Studio | Shutterstock
It's common for people to worry that expressing their needs will push their partner away. The fear of being seen as too needy can be pervasive, yet not saying what you need creates unwarranted tension within a partnership.
A social psychology study published in 2022 found that relationship quality is enhanced by positive communication and eroded when there's a build-up of negative communication. The study looked at the intimacy process model of relationships, which establishes that communicating clearly creates a sense of intimacy, which is essential for a satisfying relationship.
Letting your partner know what you need keeps the two of you connected. A person can only meet their partner's needs when those needs are overtly expressed. Telling your partner how they can support you creates a sense of emotional validation and mutual understanding.
3. Perfection is a myth
GaudiLab | Shutterstock
It's easy to scroll through social media, poring over strangers' posts and comparing your life to theirs. Yet it's hugely important to remember that social media captures only a brief moment, and doesn't tell the story behind the photo.
That couple you see holding hands in a pumpkin patch as the season changes from summer to fall isn't perfect, even if they seem like they are. No individual person is perfect and no couple is perfect, either.
Every couple has their ups and downs. Sometimes, love and affection flows between two people, and other times, it feels like you can't stand each other. The less you aim for perfection, the happier you'll be as a couple. Focusing on being your most authentic selves brings you closer together then pretending to be perfect.
4. Fighting isn't always a bad sign
Kmpzzz | Shutterstock
A lot of couples operate from a place of conflict avoidance, which means they push down their negative feelings in an attempt to gloss over hard times.
A study on marriage and conflict resolution from 2016 established that conflicts can be "necessary and valuable" for the growth of a marriage. As long as conflicts are "properly managed," couples can "learn from each other and improve their relationships." The study also noted that "Training couples in communication skills and conflict resolution styles has been successful in increasing satisfaction and decreasing conflict."
When couples learn how to fight in a healthy way, it can bring them closer together.
5. Being wrong can be a good thing
Dima Berlin | Shutterstock
Making mistakes is an inevitable part of life. People in a relationship can expect to hurt each other and be hurt by each other, yet it's what happens afterwards that's so important. The more likely someone is to admit they were wrong and accept the consequences, the better off their relationship will be.
A study from Michigan State University found that people who believe they can learn from their mistakes have a different brain reaction to messing up than people who don't think they learn from things they've done wrong. Lead researcher Jason Moser shared, "This finding is exciting in that it suggests people who think they can learn from mistakes have brains that are more tuned to pick up on mistakes very quickly."
When a person is open-minded about being wrong and practices self-compassion, they're more likely to focus on repairing their relationships than saying, "I told you so."
6. Accepting your flaws makes your bond stronger
fizkes | Shutterstock
We might think that the messier parts of our personality make us less attractive, but scientific research shows that the opposite is true.
An experiment on "the pratfall effect" posited that people are seen as being more attractive when they make small mistakes. Committing what the researchers called "a clumsy blunder" humanizes people and makes them seem more attractive.
The results of the study highlight that the little things we don't like about ourselves can be interpreted as positive traits by other people. When we accept our own flaws, we learn to love ourselves more fully, which makes the bonds between partners even stronger.
7. Having friends is essential to staying together
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
Balance is a crucial aspect of keeping any relationship alive, which is why it's important to focus on the other relationships you have, outside of your romantic partnerships.
A study showed that women who quickly increase the time they spend with a partner tend to quickly decrease the time they spend with their best friend. While it's normal for a new relationship to take up our time, energy, and focus, it can be damaging to the relationship in the long run.
Even in a good relationship, it's not healthy to expect a partner to be everything. After all, they're just one person, and we need more than one person to cultivate a nourished lifestyle. Couples who make time for friendships and rely on those friends as pillars of support stay together for the long haul.
8. Going to therapy doesn't mean you're failing
wavebreakmedia | Shutterstock
Going to therapy as a couple is often framed as a last-resort effort to save a dying relationship, but getting professional counseling, even when nothing is wrong, can strengthen your relationship.
According to a poll conducted by Verywell Mind, 99% of people in couples therapy said it has "a positive impact on their relationship," and 76% reported the practice as having a high or very high impact.
A couple's therapist can act as a guide to helping people figure out how to talk about their feelings. Being in therapy together creates a safe space for couples to work out their issues as a team.
While it might not be easy to take that first step and get into therapy, couples and individuals can learn more about themselves and each other through the process.
9. You don't have to like every part of your partner
Pressmaster | Shutterstock
Accepting our flaws teaches us how to love ourselves more fully, yet we don't actually have to love every part of ourselves or our partner. It's totally okay not to like certain small habits or facets of your partner's personality.
As long as you love them more than the combination of little things that annoy you, there's nothing wrong with having some pet peeves in your partnership.
10. Sharing secrets brings you closer
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
We often worry that letting people see the darker sides of ourselves will make them run away.
Yet, according to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, couples become closer when they accept their partner's expressions of vulnerability. The researchers stated that "Intimacy increases when individuals' vulnerable disclosures are met with partners' supportive responses."
Allowing your partner to know the messier parts of you can make your relationship even stronger than it was before.
11. Not every conflict has to be resolved
Simona Pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
Research from the Gottman Institute established that 69% of relationship problems don't get resolved; rather, they're "perpetual problems" derived from personality differences between people in a relationship.
However, not all conflicts pave a path toward divorce. Staying together often comes down to the age-old adage of "picking your battles."
If your overall interactions are positive and nourishing, it's okay to let some things slide, even when they bother you. No relationship is perfect, just as no person is perfect, and learning when to overlook certain things can benefit your relationship over time.
12. It’s normal to feel lonely sometimes
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock
It's normal to have the expectation that once we find our person, we'll never feel lonely again. Yet loneliness is often an existential state-of-mind that has little to do with the people we hold close.
We can't expect our partner to solve all our problems or make us sublimely happy all the time. Feeling lonely is okay, as long as it's not the primary feeling you have with your partner.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.