I Know I Seem Skeptical, But I'm Just Learning To Love You
After being hurt so many times before, trust doesn't always come so easy to me.
Kyryk Ivan/Shutterstock By Brittany Christopoulos
I know I ask questions that are unfair to you. But they’re fair to me. I need to get the validation I’m seeking, even when I have to prompt it in a more direct way.
I don’t want to intentionally make you feel like a bad partner. I’m just trying to trust you and believe in what we have. And sometimes, it’s hard for me because I’m skeptical.
You might catch me crying in my bathroom quietly, because I don’t want you to hear. Or, you might hear me absolutely sobbing in my car for no apparent reason.
You might even see hints of jealousy when you mention another girl from your past. But you won’t ever hear me say a word about it. Instead, I’ll worry about it.
I hate to admit that I’m always skeptical when it comes to relationships because I’ve been damaged before. It’s no excuse, and I know I can’t compare you to the people from my past.
But it isn’t you that’s the problem — it’s simply what my mind is used to being. I’ve let my guard down and trusted as if I’ve never been broken before, only to be shattered shortly after.
Once I see red flags that remind me of my past, my fear overwhelms me and my mask cracks. I don’t want to look like an idiot again.
I’ve been that girl who does everything for the one she loves while being happily blissful. And he’s secretly deceiving her behind her back.
I’ve been cheated on, used, lied to, and manipulated. But I’ve also been embarrassed by my actions of loving someone I shouldn’t have. Someone I trusted, even though the red flags were there.
And I don’t want to be that girl again. I’d rather know what’s happening and ask the hard questions. I’d rather look like a crazy girl at times to put my mind at ease than to look like a blind fool later on.
In my opinion, communication is extremely important. However, I know that my blunt ways could be seen as rude or aggressive.
But I don’t trust myself and my judgment as much as I should. I just want to show you that I trust you, even if it isn’t coming off in the way I intend it to.
Are my feelings for you clouding my vision? Are those rose-colored glasses too tinted? In my mind, I’m worried you’re not the perfect person I have been led to believe you are.
Nevertheless, deep down, I pray you are. I want to believe I’m finally right about someone.
Over time, you’ll see me get more comfortable and less skeptical as our relationship grows and our bond strengthens. But for now, all I ask is that you see my strong emotions for what they are.
They are a passion for you and my way of growing to love you more than I ever thought I could. As a result, you’ll love that when I’m happy when I’m ecstatic. And you’ll laugh at me when I’m annoyed, frustrated, and fuming.
And you can get frustrated all you want when I’m overreacting, but just know that I do it because I care.
I’ll continue to be skeptical because I care and our relationship means a lot to me. Believe me, if you meant nothing to me, you’d notice that I’d be numb to you.
And I think we both know that you’d rather see my overflow of emotions than my silence.
Brittany Christopoulos is a writer, journalist and fill-in TV co-host. She's a Senior Writer and Head of Trending News for Unwritten. Follow her on Twitter.