Psychology Says There's One Ingredient That Matters Way More Than Pheromones In Creating Chemistry
Biology might explain attraction, but it takes a lot more to make a relationship last.
BananaStock | Canva The science of attraction is constantly proposing theories about why we find each other attractive. Scientists have studied whether symmetry or asymmetry is more attractive (both in bodies and faces), the shapes of our bodies and faces how that affects attraction, and especially the effect of how we smell.
Pheromones, or the chemical secretions we emit to attract others, research tells us, have gotten a lot of attention in their role in mating.
There have been countless findings about specific chemical emissions and how they are used in the animal kingdom to find a mate. Pheromones were discovered in silkworms, who emitted them during a mating dance. This process has also been researched in mice, pigs, hamsters, and fish.
However, specific pheromones that attract potential partners have not been conclusively identified. And none of this has anything to say about whether your relationship will be healthy and lasting or whether it will be heartbreaking.
There is an element of attraction that goes much deeper than just our chemical compatibility — the key ingredient is your family of origin.
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What all of this research is telling us is that attraction is not a conscious process. We don't look at someone and make a decision if they are attractive or not. Many other factors come into play: visual, olfactory, auditory, and even more interesting, emotional.
We have discovered that the subconscious process of choosing a partner is highly influenced by your family of origin. We call this your "Love Imprint." Your "Love Imprint" is determined by how you learned to receive love from your parents, siblings, grandparents, and anyone else who was crucial in your upbringing.
No newborn child believes that they need to prove their value, and please others to receive love, or that they are unlovable. A newborn child can give and receive love freely without condition. However, that child learns very quickly in their family that the love they require to survive is conditional.
Children need two things to survive in the world: to feel loved and to feel secure. We will do anything to ensure that we feel these two things, even if it means that we take on a limiting belief about ourselves. We call this twisting into a pretzel to receive love.
We spend much of our childhood attempting to determine just what shape will be most pleasing to our parents. We try on different shapes and strategies until we are all twisted up and can no longer recognize that infant who embodied unconditional love.
This is part of the process of growing up. As we grow, we quickly discover that love is conditional in some way. We must behave a certain way to get the love that we require. Maybe Daddy only loves you when you're a good girl. Or Mom rewards you for swallowing your emotions and not expressing your feelings.
Sometimes, you learn that to get your parents' attention you have to throw a fit and be the loudest one in the room. These requirements to receive love are not spoken aloud; they are crafted over time in a family dynamic.
When we become adults and enter the world of dating, we end up choosing potential mates that fit this familial pattern of love.
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In a sense, your subconscious says this is how love is supposed to feel and you are then attracted to people who reflect that feeling to you. This is why so many of us end up in the same heartbreaking relationship pattern over and over again.
This is the difference between what we attract into our lives and what we truly desire. Your conscious mind may desire a partner who communicates well, who is faithful, or who loves you unconditionally. However, your subconscious mind keeps making you lust over uncommunicative cheaters who want you to change.
One of our clients discovered in her love imprint that her grandmother had played a huge role in determining how she behaved in her relationships. Her grandmother taught her that no one wanted to know how she felt, and that she should put on a false face in order to please others. This led to her believing that what she was feeling was not only unimportant but wrong.
She was constantly afraid she would offend someone and therefore always found herself in awkward situations where she felt people she barely knew were sharing way too much personal information. She was trapped because she couldn't speak her mind and get out of the conversation.
Because of this subconscious dynamic, she was struggling to find love. She was afraid that the men she would meet would ask too much of her. She believed that she would be unable to protect herself from these situations. She was frustrated and not that interested in meeting men.
After discovering this aspect of her love imprint, she was able to speak her mind to others without worrying about offending them. She also began to feel recognized for who she was, not for the false front she was presenting.
She now feels excited about dating and is blossoming in her career. While it can be fascinating to look at the role of pheromones in physical attraction, none of this information can help you make a better choice.
Understanding the role your "love Imprint" is playing in your relationships can help you take the first step in ending the cycle of unsuccessful relationships. Learning the skills to master relationships will give you the tools to create a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.