If You Have No Close Relationships, You Probably Display These 7 Ugly Behaviors
Struggling to form deep connections may stem from your own negative behaviors.
Pedro Inacio | Canva If you're struggling to form deep connections, it might not be a coincidence — it could be your own ugly behaviors sabotaging you. In a world where genuine bonds matter more than ever, our actions can further push potential partners and friends away.
If you’ve never had a close relationship, chances are you’re exhibiting one or more of these seven destructive behaviors. Human beings, by nature, are social creatures. We thrive on connection, shared experiences, and the support system that close relationships provide. But sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies. Let's peel back the layers of self-sabotage that might keep you from the meaningful, lasting connections you crave.
If you have no close relationships, you probably display these seven ugly behaviors:
1. You obsess over ‘compatibility’
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One of the oft-cited reasons for many public divorces is ‘irreconcilable differences.’ Though I don’t think it means this specifically, it’s easy to believe that relationships often fail because you two are too different.
Wrong. A successful relationship has nothing to do with compatibility — or your freaking star signs.
If anything, if you guys are on two ends of the same spectrum, this makes for a more interesting and ‘stickier’ relationship. It’s not Jake’s interest in ancient Egyptian death ceremonies that put you off.
It’s your inability to let go of the prickly idea that you guys are ‘incompatible’ in the first place. It’s in the mind. That’s the problem.
2. You look to others for validation
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If you decide to be in a relationship to be validated by another human, you’re on dangerous terrain. Why? Because your ‘happiness’ is now conditional.
Nate may one day look at you funny, not because he’s a jerk, but because the next mortgage payment is on his mind. But you took it personally because you rely on his continual smiley attention, and now you’re giving him the silent treatment.
Way to go. Relationships should be a means to share the love already rippling inside you, NOT as a way to apply ointment to the pain of your low perceived sense of ‘worth.’
A 2022 study found that while seeking validation from a partner can be a natural part of a relationship, excessive reliance on it can lead to dependency and emotional strain, potentially harming the relationship's balance. If validation-seeking behavior is causing significant problems in the relationship, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.
3. You crave the novelty of new relationships
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Yes, the modern world has instilled in us the idea that we have an inconceivably wide range of options in all areas. A host of junk can be pulled up online, picked up, and delivered within a day — even your next Chad.
Your fingers become a claw because you can’t stop scrolling for all the eye-watering novelty. Sure, there are times when a relationship runs its course, but often, they end too soon because you can’t just sit with the uncomfortable itch to want more.
Treat a relationship as an opportunity to develop mastery over your mind and your emotions. Find a way to serve and connect more deeply with who you’re with, over caving — like a drooling child at a toy shop — to your dopamine-lusting brain.
4. You rely on 'love' to sustain you
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If you’re getting into relationships solely because you love one another, you’re — quite frankly — a moron. ‘Love’ is your subjective opinion of the emotions YOU feel, moment by moment.
These feelings will shift, fade, and return again. The strongest relationships are based on more than love and lust. They acknowledge their transactional nature.
He needs this. She needs that. Quit lying to yourselves, and be open about what those needs are.
Make sure you exchange what you know you both want, and stop using your faded sense of ‘love’ to justify the failure of your alliance.
While romantic relationships offer benefits, relying solely on love can lead to disadvantages like emotional dependency, self-neglect, and unhealthy relationship patterns, potentially hindering personal growth and well-being. A 2023 study found that in some cases, romantic relationships can devolve into abusive situations, where one partner uses love as a tool for manipulation and control.
5. You don't allow each other space
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You know the saying: ‘Familiarity breeds contempt.’ Strong relationships can be counterintuitive. There are two sides to maintain:
- Connect and make each other feel better.
- Actively create distance.
If you’re working in the same house all day long, I wish you lots of luck, but I’d advise you to find a way to get out of each other’s way. Not because you’re a jerk. But because the relationship will be stronger because of it.
6. You constantly compete with your partner
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Let go of the lie that you’re both equal in needs and duties. No. You’re polar opposites. North doesn’t attract North.
That’s why unequal relationships work. Men don’t need to come home to another boss who nags his ear off.
Neither do women get turned on by men who cower to her wishes so that the household comprises two housewives. That may be okay if she’s the dominant and he’s the submissive. But it will gradually break down if you guys are competing and keeping score. Embrace your differences and the uniqueness in your needs, and tend to those — yin and yang.
According to a 2021 study, excessive competition in relationships can lead to resentment, decreased liking, and even relationship breakdown, stemming from insecurities and a need for validation through winning. In some cases, competition can lead to one partner consistently playing the victim, using their perceived losses to gain attention or manipulate the situation.
7. You're too nice
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There’s no quicker way to destroy a healthy romantic relationship than to put each other in an awkward friend zone.
This can happen even if you were both initially passionate. Niceness can creep in when you try to avoid displeasing the other. Stop. Locate your backbone and return to your darker side.
You’re not buddies — certainly not if you’re in the earlier stages. You’re in a continual and fascinating dance of animalistic seduction. Get back to teasing. Stop taking yourself and it all so seriously.
Find a way to have fun with it. Your relationship will flourish, and so will the love.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient. He's the author of the Mastery Den newsletter, which helps people triple their productivity.