5 Hurtful Things Men Do When They’re Terrified Of Catching Feelings, According To Therapist
When hot pursuit ends in hard-to-get.
Or Hakim | Pexels You have visions of long Netflix evenings, endless chores, boring Sunday brunches with distant cousins, and fear it may be the end of your nights out with the guys. You never expected it would happen to you. The out-of-control, overthinking, impatiently waiting for them to call, feelings. But here you are trying to get a grip.
Suddenly, your self-talk has changed, and you are firmly in charge of a plan that keeps you out of love. You may be one of the many men afraid of falling in love, as explored by a 2021 study showed people "may not want to compromise their freedom for the sake of a relationship." Unfortunately, this fear can lead to harsh behaviors that push her away and damage the relationship.
Here are 5 hurtful things men do when they’re terrified of catching feelings, according to a therapist:
1. They pull away and act indifferent
You arrive at the theatre late, leaving your date confused and disappointed. But instead of apologizing, you act surprised that she's offended, sending a message that you don't care about her feelings.
After the final curtain, you make a hasty apology and an excuse about seeing a friend in town. As your date sips on a lonely nightcap, she wonders what went wrong with the beau who once pursued her.
2. They shut down emotionally
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Two days later, you show up for the hike planned weeks ago, but suddenly you're feeling ambivalent about the outing. Halfway there, you offer to carry the backpack, but once you lay the picnic blanket, it's clear that you're miles away. Despite enjoying the best lunch ever, you're silent and barely respond to her questions.
Still, you are caught off guard by her childhood memories of kayaking and camping on this river and even more so by the free-flowing tears that accompany them. Perhaps the harshest thing you have ever done is walk away from her tears and her story.
Your own stories remain stillborn, unshared and unacknowledged even to you. Your greatest fear is that someone might come close, know your failures, and poke at your feelings, that they might know your family skeletons and judge you unworthy.
3. They lash out with criticism or contempt
The week is halfway gone, and something has shifted. You no longer send those cute morning texts, check in at lunch, and fire off a good night message. When she calls, your tone is chilly and detached, and you don’t have an answer for, “What’s wrong?”
You can hear the mixture of confusion and desperation, but the second time she asks, you have a laundry list of her missteps, both large and small. In full throttle, you nitpick her personality, life choices, and job prospects.
And the worst part? You're not even trying to hide your contempt. You're layering on sarcasm and snark until she's retreating into herself, wondering what she did to deserve this. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explained how dispositional contempt is the "tendency to look down on, distance, and derogate others who violate our standards."
4. They seek attention elsewhere
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You are trying to avoid spending time with her. But you've promised to attend her best friend's pool party. She is on eggshells with you but hopes to ease the tension and salvage what was a promising relationship. But while she clings to your arm, making conciliatory noises, you can't resist flirting with the host and getting lost in a crowd of admiring teenagers.
Worse, when she complains, you raise your voice, escalate the scene to the rest of the party, and joke that she is jealous and controlling.
5. They leave before things get real
As the night draws to a close, you can feel the weight of the inevitable conversation looming, and you can’t bring yourself to look her in the eye.
This weight is soon replaced by a mixture of relief and distress, knowing the charade is over, and you will likely repeat this cycle, caught as you are between the thrill of new love and your fear of emotional attachment, and intimacy. It’s not that she is not amazing, it’s just that you are struggling with your fears and limitations. "People are often not successful in being accepted as a relational partner or group member," advised the Handbook of Social Psychology.
As "Goodbye" leaves your lips, you can see the hurt and anger in her eyes. She calls you a jerk, but you know it's not that simple. You wish you could explain that deep down that you're not ready to confront your demons just yet. You say, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
If you want to confront the hurdles that trap you in a cycle of time-limited connections, it may be time to seek a therapist.
Reta Walker is a relationship therapist with over 25 years of experience, specializing in helping couples get back on track.
