Psychology Reveals How To Know If Something's Wrong With Your Relationship — Or If It's Just You
If something's affecting you, it's affecting your relationship.
shisuka | Canva Relationships are kind of like therapy: they bring all your dirt to the surface so you can work through it and move beyond it. This makes perfect sense because relationships and therapy have the same purpose: growth.
Therapy is especially hard in the beginning because you’re becoming aware of all the dirt you’ve been hiding under the surface for so long. Therapy doesn’t create the dirt; it just shines a spotlight on it. And if there's one piece of relationship advice to abide by, it's understanding this.
Relationships are usually great in the beginning while you’re still seeing your new love in the best possible light.
You’re seeing them as the greatest, most perfect version of themselves. And they see you that way, too.
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Eventually, something happens and the two of you no longer see each other as the greatest version of yourselves, at least not consistently.
They start noticing and then focusing on your flaws. You start focusing on your flaws, too. And when you’re down about your flaws, your ego tries to make you feel better by pointing out all your partner’s flaws. It’s a big, nasty cycle.
You’re suddenly tuned into what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Your insecurities light up like neon signs.
Fear seeps through the cracks because you think you “have” something you could lose. You start all kinds of self-protective behaviors that feel necessary (but are always counter-productive) like keeping score, guarding your emotions, and holding back. Research from The Society for Personality and Social Psychology even found that says that keeping score in a relationship can lead to conflict.
I don’t have to tell you that none of this feels good. It’s pretty miserable. Since this feels so awful, you say the relationship feels awful. And this is where I want to save you from throwing away a perfectly good relationship, so listen up: It’s not the relationship that feels awful; that’s just the pain of personal growth. (Research from 2024 states the importance of personal growth as a key factor in overall well-being.)
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Growth almost always hurts in the beginning. Facing dirt is hard and that’s what this relationship is doing for you — highlighting your dirt and helping you grow.
But it’s not just this relationship. Any relationship will do that to you. Or, better said, any relationship will do that for you. It’s not your partner’s fault. It’s not that you’re not a good match. It’s not that this isn’t “meant to be.” It’s that you’re faced with the same opportunity for growth you’d be facing in any good relationship and that’s scary. It’s hard. It’s easier to walk away.
It’s always easier to walk away than it is to grow. Always has been, and always will be. So please don’t blame the relationship. And for heaven’s sake, don’t blame yourself or your partner. Just know that this is what growth feels like.
Work through the insecurities that come up. Ask yourself the hard questions, like why you’re feeling jealous, scared, or vulnerable, and if you have to act on those emotions.
Realize you can experience all of that dirt and stick around. When you stick around through the dirt and take the opportunity to clean it up, you’re growing.
When you start wondering if the relationship is all you thought it was, consider that maybe the relationship is just fine.
Maybe what you’re feeling is the flower breaking the surface and starting to move up through the dirt. Once a little dirt is cleared out of the way, growth is natural, easy, and so worth it.
Dr. Amy Johnson is a psychologist whose passion is helping people recognize and change unwanted patterns.