Therapist Shares Game-Changing Brain Hack For Getting Calmer Faster During A Fight
If you want to stop a fight before it rages out of control, make this simple choice between two ways out.
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock Remaining calm during conflict can be a difficult task, ranging from mildly irritating to downright exasperating. How can anyone remain dignified during a fight when all we want to do is chuck the nearest object?
Therapist and author Eli Hardwood offers a creative way to stay calm in the face of irritation: a brain hack she calls "the slide and the stairs."
The Slide and the Stairs Technique for Staying Calm During a Fight
When you find yourself in the middle of a conflict with someone you care about, Hardwood suggests taking a moment to visualize yourself facing two possible ways out of the conflict: a slide or a the stairs.
The slide represents reflexive defensiveness.
At first, it may seem logical to take the slide. It’s the quickest and easiest way out of conflict.
But if we were to take the slide, Hardwood explains, "we would be landing ourselves into a huge pile of [trouble]."
In this scenario, the slide represents the defensive part of your brain that strives to be right. It may tempt you to use harsh words and actions. As you can imagine, doing that will usually just make things worse.
According to Ellie Lisita at the Gottman Institute, defensiveness is "self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack.”
By saying things like, “I only did that because you gave me no choice,” you may be attempting to avoid accountability, but the result is usually only that you make your loved one feel unheard and frustrated.
"The argument can then escalate into feelings of contempt", says Lisita.
The stairs represent a conscious choice to elevate the conversation.
In contrast to taking the slide, taking the stairs requires a lot more muscle, Harwood notes, but by going one step at a time, they take you to a beautiful viewpoint.
"You take the stairs by saying one kind, generous, or curious thing at a time. Each step you take is a different offer of connection to the other person," she explains.
The goal isn’t to bypass the conflict, but to elevate yourself and your loved one to a better place above the current fray.
If you decide to choose the high road, you may struggle with how to proceed from there, And I get it, it’s easier said than done.
But as Harwood states, being kind, generous, and curious is a good start.
Kindness is more than just mere niceties, "It involves mindful behavior," says psychotherapist Sanaa Hyder.
Practice kindness by listening without judgment and expressing appreciation, as well as by communicating honestly with your loved one. Continue to express yourself in a respectful tone and remind yourself daily to think positive thoughts about your loved one.
Our brain is wired to feel how we consistently think, according to Hyder. So, when we consistently think positive thoughts about our loved ones, we have an easier time facing them during conflict.
If that isn't convincing, Allo Health says kindness has been shown to positively impact physical and emotional well-being, reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. Kindness enhances our communication, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
When you get authentically curious about yourself and your partner, you can more effectively listen to and understand one another.
"When you are curious, you have a genuine desire to understand, which can surpass your assumptions," says Danya Rumore, Ph.D., Director of the Environmental Dispute Resolution Program in the Wallace Stegner Center at the University of Utah.
“Only when we are in a calm state and ready to embrace the opportunity of conflict can we activate our curiosity,” Rumore adds.
To be generous during conflict is to assume the best in your loved one.
"It is easy to interpret someone’s disagreement with you as a personal attack or someone’s tone as aggressive," writes Dr. Stephen J. Aguilar, assistant professor of education at USC. "Doing so lacks generosity and does little to build on the relationship."
Assuming there was a misunderstanding or difference in perspective can bring clarity to conflict, which is essential to calming things down.
By climbing the stairs, you are committing yourself to addressing the conflict and mending your relationship, leading you to a state of contentment and happiness.
And let’s face it, choosing the path of resolution by climbing stairs, is significantly a much better option than, as Harwood points out, "throwing [something] at someone that you are probably going to want to hug later."
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.