How To Stop Your Spouse From Falling Out Of Love By Mastering 4 Distinct Communication Styles
How to communicate with your spouse the right way.
fizkes | canva Marriage, like any other relationship, is built on trust, love, and good communication. But knowing how to communicate effectively with your spouse isn't always as straightforward as it sounds, since many husbands and wives have innately different communication styles in relationships. When these ways of communicating are at odds, it can affect both partners' ability to discuss — and resolve — any problems in their marriage. And sadly, poor communication is one of the well-known underlying causes of divorce.
But just because you and your spouse's communication styles aren't the same, doesn't mean your marriage is over. The key is learning how to fix communication in a relationship by having a deeper understanding of your husband or wife's communication preferences. What would change about the way you talked to your husband or wife, if you could peek inside your their mind to make sense of their thinking process? How could you better express an opposing point of view or discuss an emotional topic? On the flip side, have you had experiences as a couple when you felt your souls were deeply connected? It probably had something to do with the way you were communicating. Maybe it was when you were revealing a sentimental story, and you knew your love was listening intently and expressing compassion.
So you have more moments like this (and fewer rough spots in between), empower your marriage by learning how to communicate better with your spouse, rather than destroying it through misguided efforts. The first thing you need to learn is the "Platinum Rule", which is similar to the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule’s principle is: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But a more effective and modern way of thinking is based on the Platinum Rule: Speak to others the way they want to be spoken to.
To help you learn how to communicate effectively with your spouse, let me introduce you to D.I.S.C., which is a system designed by William Moulton Marston to understand people’s behavioral styles. There are four styles, and each one is represented by a letter of the acronym. Be aware that all of us are a blend of these four styles, but one will be more dominant and affect how we communicate. Once you can identify which of these four communication styles your partner most aligns with, you can make an effort to communicate with them in ways they’re more receptive to. Think of this as having a cheat sheet for understanding your spouse. Using this knowledge, you can adapt your way of communicating and interacting with your husband or wife, and you’ll see your marriage flourish. Here's how to tell which of these 4 communication styles your spouse prefers, so you can learn how to communicate more effectively in your marriage — and keep your husband or wife from falling out of love.
How to stop your spouse from falling out of love, by mastering 4 distinct communication styles:
1. (D) Dominant
This style is goal-oriented, determined, and direct. Those who communicate in this style may even talk at a faster pace and physically move faster. They tend to take a controlling role in relationships. This person may be abrupt and show a lack of compassion at times because they are focused on the task at hand. They practice very assertive communication. What are some communication skills for talking to a spouse who has this communication style? Avoid interrupting your partner and be open to really hearing their viewpoints. Ask for things in a manner of requesting, instead of demanding. Remember the importance of laughter; it’s easier to be around someone who can loosen up a bit. Practice looking for humor in situations.
How to communicate effectively with a spouse who has this communication style: Allow them space to take charge — however, you must speak up when something is important to you. If you want more of a say in a decision, such as a vacation, you must make it heard. Make statements like, “I want a part in deciding where we’re going on our next trip.” Stay calm when discussing heated topics. Get straight to the point and stick to the facts. Don’t meander or skip around the end mark you’re trying to make. Guide them in how you’d like them to communicate with you. Let them know that you find them more attractive when they listen without interrupting. Make sure to respond conversationally, versus an argumentative one.
2. (I) Influencing
They are social butterflies and thrive when they are recognized and supported. An "I" is fast-paced like the D’s are, and love verbal communication. What are some communication skills for talking to a spouse who has this communication style? When responding to your partner, be cautious about impulsiveness. Avoid allowing your emotions to take over your rational head. If this is your communication style, you're likely known for your sharp tongue and saying things you'll regret later. Yup, you know who you are. Ask yourself if your heart is overpowering your mind. Make sure you’re listening attentively, too, and focus on resolving the issue, instead of just trying to win.
How to communicate effectively with a spouse who has this communication style: Approach them with a positive attitude. Don’t overload them with details, since they’ll grow bored and tune out and this will cause a communication breakdown. Know that they need interaction and excitement, so be willing to go to social gatherings with them. Take a shot of tequila beforehand if it's helpful!
3. (S) Steady
This particular style is recognized for its steady nature. If you're an "S," you're an incredible supporter and team member. This communication style moves at a slower pace than the previous ones. You tend to avoid arguments and disruption. This is the easiest going and most agreeable of all the styles. Communication skills for talking to a spouse who has this communication style: Practice speaking your mind as a means of developing good communication skills. It can feel very out of your comfort zone, but once you build this muscle, your confidence will grow. If you’re unhappy with your spouse's actions or behaviors, you have to tell him/her. Say it a few times in the mirror prior, if you’re nervous. Visualize how he/she will respond and back yourself up! Know what you’re going to say and be firm. You got this!
How to communicate effectively with a spouse who has this communication style: Approach an "S" style with calmness and patience. Avoid being harsh or abrupt when giving feedback. Ask them lots of questions to get them to open up and reveal what they truly want or are thinking. If a significant change occurs, such as job loss, make sure to come up with a game plan as fast as possible. The "S" types have a difficult time with chaos and uncertainty.
4. (C) Conscientious
This communication style is often the most conservative in dress and behavior, as these are also types of nonverbal communication. Their pace is also slower, similar to the "S" style. You can recognize a "C" style at a party because he/she will be the one at the dinner table who rarely speaks. When they do choose to talk they have something well thought-out to say. Communication skills for talking to a spouse who has this communication style: Remember, everyone is human and screws up. Do not expect perfection; you’ll continually be disappointed because it’s unattainable. If you focus on the big picture, it helps put things in perspective.
It may also help you make decisions quicker. When an argument arises, take a deep breath, try to stick it out, and respond. If your lover tends to attack verbally or is overly aggressive, when things are calm, take time to chat with him/her about how you prefer to be approached. Mention that you both will have better results by practicing new communication skills. How to communicate effectively with a spouse who has this communication style: When discussing an important topic or decision, back up your stance with facts and logic They are not interested in unsubstantiated speculation or flowery concepts.
So if you’re communicating with an "I," use all your willpower to not put too much effort into explaining how fun and exciting a vacation to Tahiti will be. Instead, mention the facts, such as, “May has the best weather, it is more affordable than Singapore, and the food is fresh and healthy.” See the difference? Also, avoid putting them in a situation that calls for a quick decision. If there’s a heated argument a "C" style may disappear or leave, so keep disagreements from escalating. This tactic will improve your odds of getting what you need.
Awareness of which D.I.S.C. communication styles both you and your partner prefer will make a massive difference in how you interact as a couple. Once you and your partner understand each other better and learn how to communicate more effectively, based on what each partner needs, your marriage will become more synchronistic and supportive. With practice, you’ll learn to adapt to your husband or wife's communication style and educate your partner on how to communicate better with you, too, based on your style.
Midori Verity is an Energizing Relationship Coach, best-selling author, and host of 'The Ultimate Relationship Show.' She has been featured on The California Women's Conference, Martha Stewart, CBS, Fox News, and more.