How My Open Marriage Still Has Love
Sex and life in an open marriage.
Lisa5201, g-stockstudio | Canva People in open relationships often talk about rules — what they should be, whether or not to have any, and what to do if they're broken. This can be especially important for people just starting or thinking about starting an open relationship. One of the most often contended topics on this front is love. And so I get questions nearly every day that go something like this.
Dear Jenny,
My husband and I are at the beginning of an open relationship. I understand the difference between love and being intimate and was wondering if you have ground rules with your husband as I have told mine: DON'T FALL IN LOVE. Is this a reality or am I kidding myself? I love my husband, and he loves me. I find he is happier having the freedom to have another relationship elsewhere.
Thanks,
Hopeful in the Heartland
The answer to Hopeful's question is yes — and no. A couple can set whatever rules they like, including the "Don't Fall in Love" rule, which plenty of open couples have and can follow. To make that work, they often also have the "Don't Sleep With the Same Person Twice," "Only See People Out of Town," and "No Correspondence Beyond Date Setting" rules. Open relationships are about setting up the kinds of boundaries that 1) make you feel comfortable and 2) are workable. What's the point if all you're doing is setting yourself up for failure? If a couple sets the rules, follows them, and is honest about whether or not those rules are working for them, they can have a reasonable expectation of success.
But there's another key to open relationships: flexibility. And without that, you are much less likely to make any kind of relationship work, let alone an open one. In my open marriage, it's all about communication and renegotiation. We had an "Only Out of Town" rule and a "No Love" rule (after our first girlfriend) for the first few years. They worked splendidly — until I met Jemma, my now girlfriend of a year and nine months.
When I met her, I never imagined we'd be more than friends. So when it seemed to be turning into something else, I went to my husband and asked him what he'd think of Jemma being my girlfriend. Luckily, he was delighted. Despite breaking the rules, he had seen our friendship develop and adored both her and who I was when I was with her. That is, less needy and more calm.
The first rule (the out-of-town one) was, naturally, much easier to consider ditching. The second one, well, not so much. Wouldn't that be going against everything we talked about in deciding to open our relationship? intimacy is just intimacy. Love is a different story. The only people we love romantically (my husband and I, that is) are each other. That's why we're married in the first place. You can't love two people in that way at the same time. Right?
For us, it turns out, that quite the opposite is true. Although it can be just something physical. It doesn't have to be, even when it comes to relationships outside of our marriage. Love begets love. It doesn't cancel out that which came before it because love, contrary to popular belief, is not a limited commodity. So, setting rules is fine and it's possible to have an open relationship that does not allow for falling in love outside of the primary couple. And that might be just the right formula if Hopeful and her husband are to have a successful open relationship. But I would also advise her not to be so deadly scared of him loving someone else. That's what polyamory is all about.
Jenny Block writes for several regional and national publications, including the Dallas Morning News and American Way. She's the author of Open: Sex And Life In An Open Marriage.