5 Honest Ways To Fix Your Relationship When You Feel Hopeless

Deep in the middle of relationship problems? It could be due to your relationship blindspots. Here's an analogy:

Think about your relationship as two cars traveling in the same direction on a highway. Your partner makes a conversational move to pass you on the left. Do you think you see an opening to comment? You turn into his lane and BANG! The opening you thought you saw was not there.

You wreck the conversation with a poorly-placed remark and there goes your chance for that romantic evening. But you can fix this! Eliminating your blind spots: We can discover much about blind spots in relationships by the blind spots we experience in our car mirrors. Occupational therapists teach that you can eliminate blind spots in mirrors.

Try this the next time you drive on a highway: The elimination of blind spots in car mirrors requires that you widen your view in a counter-intuitive way. This feels awkward at first, but if you stick with it, it becomes familiar, increases safety, and builds your driving confidence. The same is true for relationships.

Conversations are building blocks for love and are consistently identified as romance builders when they are good and romance destroyers when they are bad. Judith Glaser, author of Conversational Intelligence, has identified five conversational blind spots that wreck relationships. Glaser's work is primarily meant for a business setting, but the blind spots described in this article are set in the context of romantic relationships.

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Here are 5 ways to fix your relationship when you feel hopeless:

1. Stop assuming your partner thinks like you

It’s normal to be self-centered. It’s a protective instinct that is wired into your brain, but it can work against you in relationships. You and your partner do not think exactly alike and assuming you do is a recipe for misunderstanding and conflict. If you ever ask yourself in frustration, "How is he not getting this," then you know you’re staring into a blind spot.

How to fix it:

• Stop judging your partner’s idea.
• Get curious.
• Seek clarification with phrases like, "Help me understand what you mean by ______________."

2. Don't ignore how feelings change your reality 

Think about how your attraction to your partner changes from mood to mood. When you’re having a wonderful time with your partner, he’s irresistible, but when things turn sour, your repulsion levels rise. When couples experience high doses of negative emotions over an extended period, they literally become ugly in each other’s eyes.

How to fix when conversations get heated:

• Don’t speak when you’re fuming. You’ll regret it.
• Breathe to relax your muscles. Relaxation reduces the level of stress hormones in your system allowing you to think more clearly and less judgmentally.
• Take a timeout even if it’s overnight. Late-night arguments can be the worst because your emotional resources are depleted. Say, "I love you, but I need sleep before we work this out."
• Now you’re ready to create positive conversational experiences. Marriage researcher, John Gottman, has documented that couples need 5 positive conversational experiences to every 1 negative to thrive in their relationship. Marriage therapist, Willard Harley, recommends asking your partner what he loves in conversations. Then build those things into your conversations regularly. Ideally, you want your partner to be doing the same for you.

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3. Learn how to empathize when you are afraid

How to have empathy:

• Practice warm eye contact during conversations.
• Ask yourself, "What is this conversation like from his point of view?"
• Proceed with courage. Believe that, unless your partner is abusive, there’s no need to fear any discussion.

4. Don't assume that memory is accurate

When you remember conversations, you more accurately remember your thoughts about what was said than what was actually said. Also, you mentally drop out of conversations every 12 to 18 seconds to process what you’re hearing. While you process, you miss parts of what your partner is saying. You can’t remember what you miss.

How to fix it: Be humble, rather than cocky, when you are recalling the past: "I could be wrong, but I remember _______________." That’s better than, "These were your exact words! I will never forget that!" After your partner talks for more than 30 seconds, humbly admit your mental lapse: "I’m sorry, I was processing what you said. Could you repeat that?" When it’s your turn to talk, ask for feedback so you know what your partner is really hearing.

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5. Stop assuming that the meaning of something is determined by the speaker

When you are listening, your brain connects every word to memories you have that are associated with those words. Your partner has different memories associated with these same words. His brain creates one meaning while yours creates another.

For example, the word wine conjures up memories of parents in a drunken rage for some people and others associate wine with happy celebrations. The word causes anxiety for one and warmth for another.

How to fix it:

• Scan the conversation for any vague phrases like "over the top", and ask for clarification. We usually disagree about how much must happen for something to be over the top.
• When your partner says, "You know what I mean", maybe you don’t. Slow things down by stating what you think your partner means and let your partner verify or modify.

Don’t wreck your relationship by ignoring the 5 conversational blind spots. Look them over again. Which one or two do you need to work on? Start practicing these recommended tips to overcome your blind spots and watch your repaired relationship take off in a new direction.

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Jim Merhaut, M.S.Ed., P.C.C., is an award-winning author, national motivational speaker, internationally-known leadership trainer, and ICF-Certified Coach.