6 Sure Ways To Create A Secure Relationship With Someone Who Is Insecure
A marriage counselor explains how to feel secure in your relationship.
Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash Have you ever been frustrated with your partner? You're starting to feel insecure in your relationship and neither of you are doing anything to fix it.
You wonder how long you can continue loving him without your need to feel loved and appreciated being met. You may have tried to talk to your partner about your needs in the past and have learned that it just results in anger and gaslighting.
You may even feel worse after talking to your partner.
Somehow any disagreement with your partner results in you feeling like you are unworthy of being loved.
If this sounds familiar, you may be in an insecure relationship.
Insecure people tend to externalize and blame those around them for their insecure feelings. You may feel angry he doesn't meet your needs, and want to get back at him, or blame yourself for depression.
He may feel his own insecurity and be taking it out on you. You can move your relationship to a healthier place by following these six tips.
Six expert tips to create a secure relationship, even if one partner is insecure:
1. Prioritize the needs of the couple ahead of individual needs
Each partner needs to make a commitment to the relationship needs ahead of their own individual needs.
Insecure couples are focused on meeting their own individual needs. For example, he might get upset if he isn’t having sex as often as he wants. She might be upset that he doesn't spend enough time with her so she doesn't want sex.
Her need for emotional closeness is unmet, resulting in his need for sex being unmet, and round and round they go.
If being a couple was their first priority, he would want to spend time being emotionally close to her to meet her needs, and she would want to be sexual with him because her need was met.
Both would benefit from giving to the other. Once this couple's needs are being met, they are more secure with each other and more able to meet the other's needs.
2. Put in the effort that you expect to get out of it
Let's think of the relationship an entity. This entity is called your "relationship baby."
This "baby" is only as healthy as what you each put into it. If one person puts 100 percent and the other person is only putting 5 percent effort into the "baby", the baby is only going to be 5 percent healthy.
One person will be giving and not receiving anything in the couple-ship. The other person will be receiving and not giving.
Do you see the imbalance here? Ideally, both partners would give 100 percent effort all the time.
Then both would get their needs met, no one is neglected and the couple is emotionally healthy. Life does happen, and there will be times when the giving and receiving are tilted in one direction or another, which is normal.
3. Remember it takes two to tango
Two people participate in a couple — otherwise, it's not a couple; it's two people in proximity to one another.
If you neglect your partner, you will eventually cause your own pain. You will use them up, and they will leave you.
The only way to get your own needs met consistently is to give your partner love, safety and security. If one or both persons are abusive emotionally, physically, or spiritually, the health of the relationship is at risk.
The best-case scenario is a couple who values personal growth and works on their individual insecurities by building self-esteem so they can give to their partner.
4. Be a 'safe' person
Each partner buys into being a safe person for the other.
This means that you reflect on your own behavior and ask yourself, "Do I want to be treated the way I am treating my partner?"
Other times an individual with insecurity will treat themselves poorly, and treat other people better than they treat themselves. These insecure people need to ask themselves, "Would I treat my best friend as poorly as I am treating myself?"
Then shift your thoughts and behaviors to be safer for yourself and others. As your insecurity wanes, you become more secure and more able to give to your relationship.
5. Have personal integrity
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Insecure individuals tend to do things to appease others, or to gain approval from others. You may say you will bring a salad to the potluck even though you have no intention of following through.
You try to avoid conflict but only delay it. Try instead to say "no" when you don't intend to do something or yes when you will do it.
You will be building your own approval of yourself by developing your personal integrity.
6. Schedule time together
Everyone is busy, especially if you are balancing work and family. But couples who do not make time for one another tend to be more insecure.
To build security into your relationship, make time to touch base with each other daily and go out on dates regularly.
Another example is texting each other throughout the workday to keep in touch. Ask your partner how they like to connect and what works best for your relationship.
Teresa Maples-Zuvela is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and a Certified Multiple Addiction Therapist (CMAT).