8 Ways To Be Incredibly Charming Over Text, And 8 Mistakes To Avoid At All Costs
Let your flirt be the flint, but don't let snark smother the spark.
Dean Drobot via Shutterstock The number one thing to remember when trying to be charming over text is that the person you like is a real human being, unique and valuable. Too many people approach someone they like as a conquest or to get something. This is a losing strategy that ends up hurting people in the long run. But there are still strategies that can help.
Keeping in mind they are unique and an individual is the best way to start. Listen to them, pay attention to what they say, and back off if you get signals they are not into you.
Eight dos and don'ts for being charming while texting
1. Be funny
Everyone likes to laugh.
Don't be sarcastic, snarky, or edgy.
Not everyone is into this type of humor, and some people will find it rude or offensive, as suggested by a study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
2. Be open
Be real, be yourself, and open up.
Don't be a crybaby or pathetic.
It's great to be emotional and to cry. People love it when you are willing to show your soft side, but if you don't know them well, it's not the time to be super vulnerable.
3. Ask questions
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We all want to text with someone interested in who we are.
Don't interrogate them.
Pepper them with so many questions they feel like they are at a job interview or being interrogated for a crime.
4. Send snaps of your face
If you're on Snapchat, go ahead and send a snap of your face. You can be silly or try to be cute, but go for it. Body language in your selfies says a lot, and learning how to take a great selfie goes a long way.
Don't send inappropriate photos.
Not only is that not OK when you're first getting to know someone, but even when you do know them well and are flirting, you need to ask before sending anything that might be considered inappropriate or private.
5. Flirt
A study published by Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking demonstrates if you're getting the signals the person you like feels the same way, definitely flirt with them.
Don't send offensive texts.
It's too soon. They are not going to hate you for keeping it cute, but they might hate you for rushing into something more intimate before they are ready. They may think you only see them as the type of person you want to hook up with, not as a potential partner.
6. Text them regularly
After your first text conversation or snap session, follow up and see what they are up to regularly. Something casual every day is reasonable if they are responding positively.
Don't stalk them.
Maintain a general 1:1 text/snap ratio. That is, if you text them one message and they texts one back, you're good. If you text them one and they don't reply, so you text another and then yet another to follow up, you're at 3:0 — and that's a bad ratio. Not attractive.
7. Wait to read their texts until you have time to respond thoughtfully
You don't want to rush a reply or, worse, forget to reply at all.
Don't leave them on read.
If they can see that you read their text or DM or viewed their snap but didn't reply, that's super rude. To most people, leaving someone on read means you don't like them at all.
8. Make plans
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If they seem interested, definitely make plans together, sharing some date ideas. Usually, that happens after you've texted or snapped as well as FaceTimed, but you can ask them out by text if that is how it works for you (or if you're older/not using FaceTime or Snapchat much).
Don't pressure them to meet up face-to-face.
Everyone moves at their own speed, and there are lots of reasons they may not be ready for an in-person hang. Keep an invite casual and see how they respond, then drop it if they are not enthusiastic.
A few common questions I get about texting someone new
Text message, a DM, or Snapchat?
Reach out to them wherever you see them regularly posting, and do not download an app you don't already use just to talk to a person you like. Follow what makes sense for you. If you engage with them mostly on Instagram, send a DM.
Doing something outside your character or normal life will make you seem desperate, as suggested by a study on authenticity and romantic relationship functioning published in the Personality and Individual Differences Journal.
When should I tell someone I like them?
Wait until you get the sense that they at least think you're cool as a friend. See how they receive compliments that are non-romantic first. There's a risk in giving a romantic compliment, but it's worth it when the time is right.
Can I screenshot selfies or texts to save them?
Generally, no. Once you two are exchanging real flirty banter and selfies/snaps, you can ask them, "Hey, this is so cute, can I screenshot this?" Just don't send screenshots to anyone else. It's seriously inappropriate and a violation of privacy — it's also a great way to get a person to never speak to you again.
Is it OK to send long texts?
It's always good to keep it short and sweet at first and then follow their lead. If they send you long paragraphs, then it's cool. A study by S. Luo helps explain why If they don't send a long text back, you might seem a little pushy or self-obsessed if you go on for a long time.
How long should I wait before replying?
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Most people have their phones on them all the time, so it's not weird to reply right away. You don't have to follow some rules about waiting a long time, like back when you waited three days before calling back. But it also won't hurt to wait a little bit of time before replying if you're in the middle of something.
Just don't leave them on read!
Is there a set amount of time that's appropriate before texting again?
If you've had one great conversation via text and then said goodbye, it's good to wait until the next day and check in again to be friendly. There's no set of rules here, but daily check-ins aren't that unusual, and if it feels natural and they're responding well to it, that's cool. If they seem to be losing interest, wait longer.
Hopefully, all of these texting tips and steps for sending great texts to a person have helped.
Just remember, the most important thing is to be genuine, kind, and respectful — and then let things flow.
Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford is a psychologist who focuses on relationships, dating, and personality issues, as well as a Certified Relationship Specialist with Diplomate Status and an expert with the American Psychotherapy Association.