8 Smart Moves That Let Nice Guys Win Without Playing Games, According To Couples Therapist
Break the cycle of unfulfilling relationships by prioritizing your happiness.
Johnathan Borba | Canva "We don’t have chemistry," or "I love you, but I am not in love with you", and "it’s not you, it’s me." Blaine couldn’t understand why relationships that started well could be lost after a few dates, or why a woman could go from hot to cold. Why didn't they see the nice guy who had so much to offer? Blaine's frustration was palpable. His body language spoke volumes with slumped shoulders, furrowed brows, and a noticeable lack of enthusiasm. He was in desperate need of answers. Like many, he had fallen prey to three common misconceptions.
Three common myths of dating as a genuinely nice guy:
- The Myth of Niceness: Believing that being a nice guy automatically guarantees attraction.
- The Trap of Transactional Expectations: Believing that meeting a partner's needs guarantees reciprocation.
- Illusions of Perfection: Expecting life to be smooth sailing if all the right steps are followed.
However, as Dr. Robert Glover insightfully points out in No More Mr. Nice Guy, genuine attraction isn't sparked by a people pleaser seeking external validation. It's built on self-respect and authenticity — neither of which requires playing games or pretending to be someone else.
Here are 8 smart moves that let nice guys win without playing games, according to a couples therapist:
1. Rediscover who you are
I encouraged Blaine to press pause on dating and reconnect with his interests. It was hard to convince someone who didn't like or know himself to spend time alone, but in a few weeks, Blaine was tinkering with his car, hiking the woods, and renewing a relationship with the person he was when happiest.
2. Be honest without over-explaining
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Encouraging authenticity required discussion and homework. Blaine learned that authenticity goes beyond mere honesty into understanding and expressing one's core values and needs. A 2010 study found, "authenticity was related to engaging in healthy relationship behaviors, which in turn predicted positive relationship outcomes and greater personal well-being.".
He understood that complimenting a woman on her appearance doesn't require him to like the color and style of her dress, but to say what he did like. Blaine began to communicate his thoughts and preferences genuinely, without fear of judgment.
3. Set boundaries that show self-respect
Our conversations revealed Blaine as a “yes-man” who had spent years at work and home flying under the radar, with his talent and skills overlooked because he was “invisible.” He recounted an incident where the waiter forgot his side order and served the food cold, and he didn't complain. This happened on a third date with someone he believed was the one. The chemistry was great, their laughter bubbled, and she had the works but left with the words, It’s not you, it’s me which I translated as “You won’t stand up for me if you don’t stand up for yourself.”
Already in his late thirties, Blaine had never heard the word boundaries applied to a healthy relationship, so our discussion led to his purchase of the foundational book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Learning to express his needs and preferences was a crucial step toward reclaiming his self-worth.
Let me pause to say not all nice guys lack boundaries, are inauthentic, resentful, and enraged to the extent Blaine had become. Some nice guys have limits to what they tolerate and are balanced in their desire for a relationship. Some even have committed relationships with those who value their supportive nature. But if you suspect your significant other has anything less than the highest regard for you, begin to make changes inside and out.
Ask, “Am I trying too hard? Am I too worried about another’s opinion and hungry for approval?” Ask yourself, Is my niceness and desire to please a reaction to feeling unlovable, defective, or unworthy?
4. Heal the shame that keeps you feeling small
With moist eyes, Blaine recalled his early years of being punished with silence, overlooked when he longed for praise, and told to “man up” his emotions and vulnerability. Helpless to gain acceptance and value, he learned to shelter his feelings and fly under the radar. He admitted he alternated from feeling like an impostor and anxious he would be discovered as unworthy to secretly hoping to meet someone who believed he was worthwhile.
Blaine's shame explained why he would control and manipulate situations, withhold negative self-disclosure, and defend and excuse everything. In the non-judgmental setting of the therapy office, Blaine began to heal and became more aware of when and how he drifted into old patterns. Awareness combined with self-understanding and curiosity helped him more than he expected. But the real challenge was learning a non-defensive approach.
5. Surround yourself with people who see and support you
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The advice to join a men’s group was borrowed from Dr Glover’s book, and it helped Blaine relax and connect without emotional tension. He didn't stop there but embraced prioritizing all relationships, where he could give and receive equally. Soon, Blaine reconnected with college friends and planned a Super Bowl party where everyone arrived with a six-pack, wings, and chips.
When Blaine was ready to date, he had a new appreciation of who he was. He had the innate traits of stability, moral integrity, respect, and kindness that women want, as supported by a study of the links between integrity and compassion in the Journal of Personality. He had also learned to be lighthearted and the tiniest bit of a bad boy.
6. Learn to laugh and let loose
As a more conscious and aware guy, Blaine appreciated his flaws, anxieties, and shortcomings as never before and adopted a healthy balance between his needs and hers. It wasn’t just his updated haircut and wardrobe that spelled change. It was also his decluttered apartment, desk, and worn-out friendships. Blaine was almost ready for the dating pool, and I encouraged speed dating so he could display his roguish side.
7. Add just enough mystery
“Nice” does not inspire the emotional tension needed for attraction and arousal. If she isn't a little uncertain about how you feel, she will move on, and you will be relegated to the friend category. Yet, if she wonders, "Does he love me, or love me not?" her heart beats faster, and she interprets attraction as love.
The “Love Bridge” tells the story of physical attraction in an environment of heightened anxiety versus a tame and calm setting. Conducted by Dutton and Aron in 1973, this research placed an attractive woman on a route that interrupted nervous men crossing a swaying bridge with low handrails and a 230-foot drop to the river below. The same attractive woman also intercepted men crossing a significantly safer bridge. The woman invited all the men to call her after crossing the bridge.
Markedly more men who crossed the scary bridge telephoned the woman. Dutton and Aron interpreted that fear had been transformed into attraction. My suggestion to Blaine was to have “scary” fun with his dates, adding roller coaster rides and out-of-town adventures to the more peaceful riverbank picnics.
8. Be authentically you, even if it's not always 'nice'
In the end, Blaine discovered that true fulfillment in relationships comes from embracing one's authenticity. By prioritizing self-discovery, setting boundaries, and fostering genuine connections, he transformed himself into a confident, emotionally intelligent individual who was proud to share his life with others.
So, if you find yourself stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling relationships, remember: focus on your happiness and not people pleasing. This begins with embracing your true self and not a well-modified or “nice” version.
Reta Faye Walker is a therapist who specializes in healing relationships. She offers one-on-one sessions, couples retreats, and courses to help couples get back on track.
