The 'Healthy Range' Of Respect A Marriage Must Have In Order To Last
Where do you fall on the relationship-lasting spectrum?
envy777 | Canva The forces that bring people together and the bonds that keep them together — for good or ill — is a huge topic. I believe that looking at how people get their needs met in relationships is a good starting point. Many psychoanalysts attribute theories of love and attraction to an unconscious search for a mother's (or father's) love. I, too, have my thoughts on the subject.
Studies have shown how unhealthy an opposites-attract relationship can be. The relationships, while hot and heavy in the beginning, quickly grew cold the more the relationship matured.
This model shows that how people get their needs met can be thought of as being on a continuum with the two ends being unhealthy or dysfunctional and the middle representing a healthy range:
The people on the right get their needs met by respecting their wants, wishes, needs, and desires while disrespecting the needs of others. This is a working definition of self-centered behavior:
Although there are exceptions to the rule, men, more than women, tend to fall into the self-centered category. There is a range of personalities and behaviors that comprise this group.
At first glance, it may sound odd, but a lot of the people who fit this definition of self-centeredness are quite popular and a lot of fun to hang around with.
The people on the left side of the continuum are the opposite of self-centered. They are selfless to an unhealthy degree. They get their needs met by showing respect to the wants, wishes, needs, and desires of others while showing disrespect to their own needs:
The majority of people who fit the description of selfless are women. This does not mean that men are immune from giving to others at their own expense but, in general, selflessness — giving more than you get — is an issue that women struggle with.
Everyone tends to like these women and the bonds they form with one another create strong, BFF-type relationships. However, when they connect with Alpha males (and females!) they, sooner or later, feel “used and abused.”
At first glance, it may seem that putting the needs of others before one’s own needs is a positive trait. However, when it crosses a line and the person finds herself being taken advantage of or treated like a doormat it is no longer a virtue.
Although the label that is most frequently given to selfless people is co-dependent, I think that we can come up with several subtypes.
There is the people-pleaser —“Don’t worry about me. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy”— the self-sacrificer — “No, no you take the chair. I’m fine right here on the floor”— the mother hen — “Stay right where you are. I’ll get your plate ready”—the I-need-a-boyfriend-or-I’m lost — “The reason that I’ve come to therapy is that I don’t have a boyfriend”— and the victim —“I shouldn’t have disturbed him. He’s been under a lot of stress lately.”
I saw something apropos of the people who fall on the selfless side of the continuum on the Discovery Channel. I learned that every animal that has eyes on the side of its head — squirrels, mice, and rabbits, to name a few — is always, in nature, somebody else’s lunch.
These are nature’s victims. If we stopped and talked to one of them, “Mrs. Rabbit, how are you today?” She would answer, “Well there is a fox over there and he’s smacking his lips and a hawk is flying overhead and there is a hunter in the distance with a rifle.”
In other words, nature’s victims base their sense of wellness on what others are doing. Similarly, if you ask a co-dependent woman how she is doing, she’ll answer in terms of how the people in her life are doing —“I’m great. Tom was in a good mood all weekend and Danny got to school on time without me waking him up and Kristin found the most wonderful dress for the prom.”
Returning to the continuum and the question of what attracts people to one another, we always marry someone the same distance from the middle as ourselves. This isn’t always opposites attracting.
Two people who reside on the right side of the continuum can become a couple. Their relationship will tend to be passionate and their conflicts will tend to be heated. While two people who reside on the left side can also become a couple.
Their relationship will tend to lack passion and they’ll describe themselves as “never arguing” but not really happy. But, as often as not, opposites do attract. Joe and Gina are a good example of that.
When a relationship falls within the healthy range, the relationship is well-functioning and stays in balance. It has the potential for a “‘'til death do us part” life expectancy.
The person on the left does not get taken advantage of and the person on the right is respectful of his (or her) partner. Incidentally, in this arrangement, the person on the left is the quintessential mother.
She would be described as loving, compassionate, and nurturing. While the person on the right has the personality that is made for rising through the corporate ranks, he is an ambitious go-getter.
When a relationship falls outside the healthy range problems are inevitable:
The people who come to therapy most frequently are women who are feeling unhappy, overwhelmed, and unfulfilled as a result of living life on the left side of the continuum. They give and give and give and don’t get much in return.
With regards to the people on the right side of the continuum, they tend not to come to counseling of their own volition. Rather, they seek help when their partner has had enough and force couples counseling.
Or these types come when their self-centeredness has gotten them in hot water. All of the “boys will be boys” types of problems like extramarital affairs and alcoholism fall into this category.
Once in therapy, the goal is to get the self-centered to be more mindful of their partners’ wants, wishes, needs, and desires and to get the selfless to show respect for their wants, wishes, needs, and desires.
Rory Gilbert has been an individual and couple's therapist and relationship coach for over thirty years.