7 Harsh Dating Truth Bombs To Memorize If You're Single And Struggling
Someone has to tell the dating game like it really is.
svetikd, alfexe | Canva Lately, I’ve been noticing a trend among my friends — specifically, my friends in the upper-middle-class area I live in. We all sit down, we have some tea, and we kvetch.
Almost without fail, one of my single friends will ask me, "Do you think I’m going to meet my future husband/wife soon? I’m getting really tired of waiting for them to show up in my life."
The truth is, most of my friends are great catches. This is especially true in this particular clique, where all of them have above-average salaries and are very fit and good-looking.
When they seem frustrated, I often want to give them some advice but feel like it’s not my place to do so unless asked.
If you’re single and struggling, let me give you some real talk that may come off as brutal at times.
Here are 7 dating truth bombs to memorize if you're single and struggling:
1. Hope for the One, but prepare for singledom
Marriage is not a given anymore. Back in the 70s and 80s, being married was the default for anyone over 25. This is not the case. Studies indicate that as many as 33 percent of all Americans will never marry.
Currently, 63 percent of American adults fall into the "never married" section of life. Many are not interested in marriage at all. What I’m saying is that being married is not as common as it used to be.
If you want to be married, that’s great. However, you need to be honest with yourself and realize that it may never happen. This is not a critique of you, nor is it a sign of personal failure.
You can do everything right and still fail at life. That’s the hard, brutal truth about it. You can go out every day of your life. Sometimes, Mr./Ms. Right is just not there.
2. You are not going to meet your partner if you’re not leaving your house
I have a couple of friends who are absolutely, positively desperate to meet a man. However, there’s one thing that keeps being problematic: they don’t go out. Like, at all.
I’m going to tell you something that most people don’t want to say out loud: extroverts get more dates than introverts do. It’s sad but true. Staying in your house all day is not going to help you meet someone.
Tinder only goes so far, and honestly, dating apps are not the way to meet people. They are geared towards thrill-seekers and people who otherwise can’t meet others. It’s a meatgrinder regardless of gender, and the vast majority of the people on it are not the best for relationships.
The more you go out, the more people you meet. The more people you meet, the more likely it is you will find people you click with. The more people you interact with, the better your social skills get.
If you are 100 percent set on dating, you need to leave your house. No one’s soul mate just knocks on their door and is like, "Here I am."
3. Please remember what dating is supposed to be
Too often, I realize that people forget what the original purpose of a date is. A date is, for lack of a better term, a prolonged job interview. The job you and your date are interviewing for is “future spouse.”
If you are looking to marry, your job is to figure out whether you could see yourself being with this person for the rest of your life. Do you get along with them? Do they offer good vibes? Are they financially stable? Are they mentally stable? Do they have similar goals to you?
If your partner is the type of person you want to settle down with, then have a timeline, be upfront tell them that you expect a proposal and wedding date by Day X, and walk if nothing happens from there on. That is what dating should be if you want to get married.
Dating is not:
- "Let’s keep seeing each other, and I’ll subtly hint that I want to be married while you hem and haw." No. You are not there to convince your date that you are worth something. If you have to sell them on you, it’s already a moot point.
- "Let me use this person for their money or resources, then bail." This is what a crappy person does. You are not a crappy person, are you? Good. Don’t do it.
- "Let me continue seeing this person even though they treat me badly because I want them to change." No! If a person took a fat crap on a desk during a job interview, they do not get the job, do they? Then why are you allowing this person to be "hired" as your significant other?! If you wouldn’t want your best friend to date a person who behaves that way, don’t date them yourself!
- "Let me sleep with this person and pretend to care about them because I feel bad." No normal, healthy dating dynamic has ever grown from pity dates.
- "Let me guilt-trip this person into being with me." See above.
- "Let me try to fix this person." No, it’s not your job to be a rehab center for broken people. Please stop acting like it is.
4. Dating is (sadly) a meat market
Look, we can hem and haw about how shallow people are, but the truth is that it’s not going to change anything. Looks will always matter in dating, full stop.
It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, or non-binary. People have a right to choose a partner they are attracted to. People’s bodies are not socialism; they’re a dictatorship.
Consent means YOU get to dictate who ends up sleeping with you. If you have to be browbeaten, wheedled, badgered, and bribed into sleeping with someone, that’s not consent.
Consent is a cornerstone of a healthy marriage. You cannot fix or build a relationship that does not involve one person who is at least moderately into you. Please do not try to force attraction. It cannot be negotiated.
This is the person who you will be sleeping with for the rest of your life. You will see them in really gross situations. If you are not attracted to them, your marriage will fall apart sooner rather than later.
Is the look issue fair? No, absolutely not. However, dating is not fair. It’s just not. Dating is part of natural selection, and nature has a very cruel streak to it that we often try to ignore.
5. Don’t bother with people who cannot match what you’re willing to provide for them
Did you ever notice how many relationships involve one partner doing all the work and going the extra mile while the other partner just … sits there? Yeah, it’s a thing — and it’s also a leading cause of divorce.
If you want to prevent a divorce (or just burnout), stop engaging with people who don’t meet your needs the way that you try to meet theirs. The person who’s already trying to push you to clean their house but never does dishes at yours is not a Prince Charming in disguise.
Next time they do something disrespectful or just don’t pull their weight, ask yourself if you would behave that way with them. If you wouldn’t behave that way, it’s time to cut them loose.
Relationships don’t work unless both partners are going all-in.
6. The most romantically successful people date with their heads, not their hearts
Disney lied, okay?
Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. It never was. There is a certain bare minimum you and a potential partner both need to have if you want to have a serious shot at marriage.
- You need to be emotionally mature. Do you throw tantrums? Do you lash out in anger at other people and expect them to just take it? Do you know how to communicate when you’re not happy? Do you know how to respect others’ boundaries? If the vast majority of people say you are unhinged or out of line, it may be time to talk to a therapist about learning emotional intelligence. You’re not ready for a relationship otherwise.
- You need to be willing to contribute to a relationship. It’s not just "sit back and take" here! That’s how divorces happen.
- You need to be able to take care of yourself first. I’ve met a scary number of people online who are wondering why they are single, but literally cannot bathe themselves or clean up after themselves. Genuine question: Why would anyone want to hitch themselves to a person who cannot act like a functioning adult?
- You need to be somewhat financially stable (or be willing to be okay with homelessness) to make it work. The vast majority of people are not okay with life on the streets.
- You need to have friends. Your spouse cannot be your entire world. I repeat. Your spouse cannot be your entire world.
The reason why the people who get the most lovers don’t seem to care about it is simple: they usually have their lives so nice, that they don’t really need a partner in there.
7. Marriage is a business contract, too
Marriage is the only romantic relationship that comes with legal paperwork and acts as a business contract. That means that you can’t treat it like you would a typical friendship. You have to look at it as a business contract — and that means being way more objective in your choice.
Ask yourself, does this date look like a liability? Do you think that you will incur problems because of this person? If you are dating someone that you wouldn’t trust with Power of Attorney, you’re dating the wrong person.
Business means you think with your brain. The sooner you dump the wrong person, the sooner you can find the right one.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.