3 Deeply Harmful Beliefs That Quietly Tear Apart Good Relationships, According To Research
Sneaky beliefs that can slowly sabotage even the strongest bonds.
Andre Hunter | Unsplash Every person enters a relationship with some sort of expectations. Expectations around how they want to be loved. Expectations around how frequently they will communicate with each other. Expectations around what their love lives will look like.
Truly, the potential number of expectations someone can have when they start a relationship is endless. There are reasonable expectations and then there are unreasonable toxic expectations when it comes to relationships.
Unreasonable expectations block intimacy. By consciously or unconsciously writing up a laundry list of what your partner should be and how they should behave to make you happy, you set your relationship up to fail.
This is especially true when those relationship expectations are nearly impossible for any person to fulfill. Here are the three most damaging and widespread expectations that kill relationships.
Here are the deeply harmful beliefs that quietly tear apart good relationships:
1. 'If they loved me, they would know what I needed'
People are not mind readers. No one can know what you want from them in every moment without you expressing your desires. When you withhold your needs or desires from your partner, you are abandoning yourself.
If you want to be in a highly functioning relationship, learn to communicate your personal desires. Some people think that it’s easy to tell their partner what they want, but it’s often not.
It can be the most terrifying thing in the world to tell someone (that you care so deeply about) the truth of what you’re feeling or be the one to initiate intimacy after a week-long dry spell. And if it feels too scary to tell them what you want, start by telling them where you’re at.
If you want to ask for something new or different in bed but you’re nervous to bring it up, you could start by saying, “I want to ask you for something right now, but I’m feeling really nervous about it … and it might be silly once it comes out, but I’m still worried about what you’ll think of me for wanting it.”
Communicate your honest desires. Be as forthcoming as possible. And if you’re nervous or apprehensive for any reason, simply tell them where you’re at.
The belief that a partner should intuitively know your needs, stemming from a perceived lack of love, can lead to relationship issues because it fosters unrealistic expectations, creates a climate of resentment, and can cause communication breakdowns.
Psychologists emphasize the importance of open and honest communication in relationships, highlighting that needs should be expressed clearly and respectfully rather than expected to be known.
2. 'I should unconditionally love my partner'
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No, you absolutely should not. Healthy love between consenting intimate partners is not unconditional. While you should make an effort to have a deep and resilient love for your intimate partner, there are certain conditions that, if broken, are going to have an impact on your love for them (or on the relationship itself).
Maybe they hit you. Maybe they have come home drunk every night for weeks on end and it’s affecting the relationship. Maybe they haven’t said a word to you in over a week despite living together.
Would your love not become conditional if any of these were to occur? Healthy love is conditional. If you are expecting reasonable things to be occurring (“treating me like a king/queen every single day” doesn’t count) and they aren’t can be grounds for the love/relationship to end.
According to a 2021 study, clinging to unconditional love can harm relationships. It can lead to overlooking red flags, accepting harmful behaviors, and ending relationships that should have been finished sooner.
Some individuals prioritize the feeling of love over the actual health and well-being of the relationship, leading to a lack of effort in maintaining a healthy partnership.
3. 'It shouldn’t take work'
I hear this one quite often just because of what my line of work is, but I’ve heard it from clients, non-clients, friends, family members, and people from all walks of life.
There’s this romantic notion that if a relationship is destined to work out, then it should work out, with no effort or intentionality from the partners involved. It should function on autopilot. It should be effortless. And there should never be anything that feels like “work.”
Every couple that I know that has an abnormally high-functioning relationship all put in the work.
They are brilliantly effective communicators because they have read books, attended seminars, and put in the work in order to find out how their partner uniquely needs to be communicated to/with.
They have sizzling sex lives because they have put in the time to get to know their bodies and their unique turn-ons. They go on week-long reconnecting vacations to explore each other’s bodies and talk about their dreams for the future.
Whenever a conflict arises between them, either subtly or obviously, they tackle it head-on and see if they can come to an amicable solution that sees both of their emotional needs met.
Whatever comes up as a problem for them, they have a mutually agreed-upon pact that it won’t stay a problem for long. The bottom line is people in high-functioning relationships put in the work. And it pays off.
All relationships are for healing. And yours is no different. So, if you think that the idea of scheduling date nights in your calendar is unromantic, you might want to question that belief and ask if it’s serving you and your relationship.
Intentional love life is a thriving love life. If you ignore the little things, your relationship will eventually suffer. If you prioritize the little things, your relationship will eventually thrive.
Expecting relationships to be effortless and not requiring work can lead to their demise, as such beliefs can hinder the willingness to invest in the relationship and address challenges constructively.
Research emphasizes that healthy relationships require effort, communication, compromise, and a desire to work through challenges together. Your committed intimacy is either stagnating or deepening. There is no middle ground.
Jordan Gray is a five-time #1 Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice behind him. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and more.
