10 Tiny Habits You Must Break If You Want A Beautiful Life Together
Happy relationships give us so much, but it's easy to fall into bad patterns.
dangrytsku | Canva When you first meet, your partner is almost perfect. There's the breathlessness of passion and the constant surprise of new things you have in common. You totally know this is your soulmate, the person you've been looking for your whole life.
As time passes you still love your soulmate, but you begin to wonder if you're "in love" with them. Even though they give you so many things you want, you begin questioning whether you can be happy in the relationship. This stage doesn't have to last, but there are a few common habits you may need to break in order to build that beautiful future.
Here are 10 common habits you must break if you want a beautiful life together
1. Persistent criticism
You get very little praise and, instead, a frequent litany of your shortcomings. You're talking too loud, not cooking it right, snoring, or putting on weight. When you try to point out the problem to your partner, you're told you can't accept feedback. If the list of your failings seems to have no end in sight, the end might be in sight.
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2. Not enough time together
Dating was great at first; you went to parties, traveled, played tennis, and spent a lot of time together. Now, you might have dinner together, but most of your activities are separate. You feel like they're just not that into you. You encourage more togetherness, but when you're rebuffed, you start to wonder why you're still there.
3. Feeling unsupported
The flip side of not enough time together is not enough time to pursue your own interests and goals. Your partner doesn't want you hanging with your friends, spending time on career advancement, or pursuing important personal goals. You ask for the space and time you need to flourish but don't get the support.
4. Frequent feelings of anger or depression
When the relationship is suffering, externalizers tend to feel angry, and internalizers feel depressed. Identify the triggers of these negative emotions and find out if addressing them with your partner helps your mood. No one wants to be in a relationship that makes them furious or sucks the life out of them.
5. Being controlled
Your partner makes unilateral decisions about things that affect you both. A tip-off here is when you're asked for your opinion (Where would you like to have dinner?) which is then summarily dismissed (I'm not in the mood for Italian). Dinner aside, there are many important issues that beg for collaboration not dictatorial edicts.
6. Disagreement about monogamy, intimacy, and commitment
One wants to marry, the other, to cohabit. One wants an open relationship, the other, not so much. One wants to date other people, the other, definitely not. One wants to swing, the other is willing to try, but it's not really their thing. There's too much physical intimacy, or not enough. You must find common ground on these issues, or you're both going to be unhappy.
7. Lack of communication
Everyone talks when they're first dating. Or you're so infatuated you don't notice your partner's distance. It's painful to feel your partner doesn't want to share or isn't interested in what you think and feel. If discussion doesn't get you the level of communication you need, you're likely to feel invisible and marginalized.
8. Conflict about finances
Although differences relating to money are inevitable, in a good relationship you can compromise and live happily ever after. An inability to come to an agreement on financial issues bodes poorly for the health of a relationship. You must find common ground because so many important decisions concern money.
9. Differences in drinking or drugs
After the honeymoon period is over, you notice your partner drinks too much or uses sleeping pills too regularly. How much is too much? That's entirely up to you. If your red flag goes up, pay attention. Talk it out and see if there's a way to make it work for both of you. What's uncomfortable for you now will not improve later.
10. Diminished trust
First, you may notice exaggerations. Then there are small lies or omissions that grow bigger over time. Finally, you find yourself questioning everything your partner says. When you can't trust your partner to be honest and truthful, there's a crucial piece missing in your relationship.
If you're experiencing one of these problems, ask yourself, and your soulmate, if it's fixable. Happy relationships provide companionship, yet foster autonomy with respect to personal goals. They involve intimacy, sharing, and positivity. There's passion, not necessarily physical, and commitment, not necessarily marriage. Now ask whether your soulmate is really providing you with the elements of a happy relationship.
Judith Tutin, Ph.D., ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. She shares more work on her website, where she brings more fun and wellness to your life.