6 Habits Of People Who Are Lousy Spouses, According To Divorce Coach
You're supposed to love your spouse, not treat them this way.
Getty Images | Unsplash What happens when you begin to question whether the hard work of marriage is worth it? The bad times seem to outweigh the good, and have for a long time, while the rewards suddenly are more of a pipe dream.
What usually happens once we reach this point is we blame our lousy spouse for being a sorry excuse for a mate and fuel our resentment of them with fantasies about divorce. Before you decide if your partner is the problem and convince yourself your marriage is disposable, read through these habits of a lousy spouse to see if they resonate.
Here are six painfully honest signs of a lousy spouse:
1. They keep a running log of every mistake
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They might even throw temper tantrums or pity parties when their partner doesn't bend to their will to make them behave better. Either way, if they misstep, they're right there to point it out to them.
Doing this makes their partner feel belittled, badgered, and miserable. They wish they'd disappear when they behave like that, and the longer it goes on, the less they even want to try to please them (or put up with their self-centeredness).
2. They pack their schedule full, leaving zero time for their partner
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Life is busy, and dreams, desires, and responsibilities are important. However, in marriage, the health of the relationship is as important as individual wants or concerns.
Ignoring their partner or telling them to "get out of their way" so they can "get things done" fuels resentment and drives a deeper wedge between them and their spouse. After all, no one wants a partner who continuously pushes them away.
Consistently having zero time for their partner can significantly harm a relationship, leading to feelings of neglect, decreased intimacy, and potential relationship dissatisfaction. The quality of time spent together, not just the quantity, is crucial for a strong bond.
A 2017 study highlighted the importance of balancing individual needs with dedicated couple time to maintain a healthy partnership.
3. They become annoyed at the sound of their partner's voice
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They cringe when they open their mouth because they know they will say or do something they find annoying. They pretend you can't hear them, walk away, or do just about anything to avoid them.
When their spouse (the person who promised to love and accept them the most) acts as if their mere breathing is a disgusting affront to them, they feel tortured and humiliated.
Why would anyone want to open their hearts to someone who despises them? Doing this is just mean. And if it keeps up, their relationship won't last long.
4. They put their singular needs over the needs of the marriage
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They're so busy thinking their partner is the same person they haven't talked with them about "them" in forever. All they talk about is them and what they want. They feel diminished and unimportant to them.
They constantly wonder whether trying to make the marriage work is even worth it — selfishness drowns out any effort they make in favor of the relationship.
Selfishness in marriage can stem from various factors, including a lack of empathy, unresolved conflicts, underlying insecurities, narcissistic tendencies, and poor communication skills. It often leads to significant strain on the relationship and impacts marital satisfaction. A 2024 study recommended open communication, setting boundaries, and seeking professional help when necessary.
5. They frequently publicly embarrass their partner
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This could indicate a playful dynamic in their relationship, where they both feel comfortable being themselves, even if it sometimes leads to slightly awkward or funny moments in public. However, it's important to be mindful of the context and ensure neither partner feels intentionally humiliated or disrespected by the other's actions.
If only one partner frequently feels embarrassed by the other's behavior, this might indicate an imbalance in power or a lack of consideration. If one's partner deliberately tries to embarrass them in front of others, this could be a form of manipulation or disrespect.
6. They micro-manage their partner's existence
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In their head, marriage means they "own" their spouse. As such, their spouse "owes" them their undivided attention unless they're doing something they approve of or permit them to do.
Nobody wants someone controlling them this way — that's servitude, not marriage. Their partner having a life of their own is not betraying them. Trying to micro-manage their existence, however, IS a betrayal to them.
Feeling annoyed when their partner spends time away from them can be linked to separation anxiety. This anxiety often stems from attachment styles, past experiences, or underlying anxieties about abandonment.
It can manifest as insecurity, jealousy, or a need for constant connection when apart from their partner. However, a 2010 study published by BMC Psychiatry concluded that healthy relationships allow for personal space and independent activities while maintaining strong communication and trust.
The work they put in will pay off. They'll either be on their way to a flourishing marriage or gain healthy clarity about what their next steps are.
Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and life coach. Her writing on marriage, divorce, and co-parenting has appeared on MSN, Yahoo, Psych Central, Huffington Post, Prevention, and The Good Men Project, among others.