If You Want To Become More Compatible With Your Spouse As You Get Older, Say Hello To These 6 Habits
Treat love like the gift it is.
Getty Images | Unsplash Keeping the love alive in a relationship when you're too busy can be tricky but not impossible. I was talking to my client, and she said, "It's all good talking about being in love, but how do I keep it alive?"
Have you ever thought about that? Are you one of those who had to demand to get a gift from your spouse, or have you given up and resented those who have romantic partners who give them gifts of love? Love is a gift, so appreciating it would do wonders for you.
If you want to become more compatible with your spouse, say hello to these habits:
1. Choose the right match for you, and keep choosing them
This might sound too simplistic, but finding the right match is like laying a good foundation. You start with the end in sight.
- What are you creating?
- How do you envision that person being in your life?
- What do you do together?
- What feelings do they inspire in you?
- What are you willing to give to them?
- How great do you feel when you're with them?
- How much do you love yourself?
- Do you look for both of you to win, or is it important for you to always win?
It surprises me how many people haven't thought about this at all. I remember my dad's story of when he'd heard about women who attended the Beijing Women's Conference. They said that when you buy furniture for your home, you should keep a receipt so when you get divorced, it's easy to divide stuff.
"What is the point of starting a marriage to end it?" he had asked.
Now I know he was right. You can't create a lasting partnership as a couple if you prepare for its failure. Choosing the right match ensures you are on the right path, and both want the same thing so you can continue choosing each other.
2. Explore the meaning of love continuously
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So, what is love, exactly? Even though love is an emotion or a feeling, it also is a great many things in between.
- What does love mean to you?
- Do you understand love with your head and your heart?
- Love is kind, so what does it mean to you to be kind?
- How do you express your needs, and how do you cater to your loved one's needs?
When my husband and I were going through our rough patch, I continued being kind to him, even when I didn't think he deserved it.
For his part, he supported me by paying my fees and looking after our baby to enable me to go to college. He was also kind to me, so when we finally healed our fractured connection, we easily reconnected without other resentments flaring up.
It is said we treat the people we're closest to most appallingly, and yet we're capable of being kinder to strangers. Wouldn't it be amazing if we treated everyone, especially those closest to us, with a loving kind of kindness?
Love is patient. Are you patient with the people you love? Do you catch yourself when you are expecting them to be like you or do things your way?
Being a parent has taught me a lot about patience. I have to allow my daughter to express herself in her way and be who she is without me feeling the need to correct her or force her to do things my way.
Love teaches you to be patient. You wait to see how things are progressing, you wait to see how they feel about you, and if you rush things, you might cause irreparable damage.
Planning for how to manage your negative feelings is important to being patient as counselor Lyssa deHart explained, "When you're dealing with stress, it's important to take some time and develop plans for taking care of yourself. Having a plan for challenging your negative feelings or a plan for distracting or soothing yourself can take the pressure off when you find yourself about to lose your mind. Plans can help you become more patient."
Love rejoices in the truth. Do you tell the truth about who you are and what you need? Do you stop yourself from asking for what you need because you don't want to be too much trouble? Do you avoid telling your loved ones how you feel when they call you by that nickname because you worry they won't love you anymore?
How else do you hide your true self? Is that your truth, and is that how you love yourself? Do you tell them how much they mean to you, or do you worry about inflating their ego and holding your tongue? If you do, how will they ever know how you see them?
Seeing someone is a gift, and telling them you see greatness in them helps build their confidence and self-esteem. This helps them to love and appreciate you more. Truth with kindness is magical.
3. Keep negotiating your commitment
It's amazing how, although we know fairy tale endings don't exist, we insist on believing in them and living expecting our own happily ever after.
You don't just negotiate your marriage contract, it is necessary to negotiate your commitment, too. I am not talking about having a girlfriend agreement like Sheldon and Amy on Big Bang Theory but, rather, having conversations to help each of you understand how the other feels and sees the world.
- What does love mean to each of you as a couple?
- What does it mean to live together?
- Who is responsible for what?
When we first started living together, my husband Taurai just assumed he was the one responsible for providing money for us. I wanted to be an equal partner even though I might have earned much less than him at the time.
We had to negotiate, and I assured him it didn't mean he couldn't provide for me, but rather, he was providing me with the gift of financial independence.
Don't sign up for what you don't understand because you might have signed up for slavery. Just because they aren't able to provide what you need doesn't mean you won't find someone else who is.
You are worthy of love and lovable. If you believe that, love will find you in many different ways.
4. Make life interesting every day
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Couples don't have to go bungee jumping to have a life of excitement in their relationship.
Commit to doing something fun with each other regularly. Most people think fun and excitement in a committed relationship die soon after conception or as soon as both spouses commit. This is just a story you tell yourself.
- What does fun mean to you?
- What does excitement mean to you and your spouse?
If your ideas of excitement are too different, this will become an issue in the future.
Some people blame children or age because, on some level, people believe relationships have to manage themselves. They go for training, career development, and retraining at work and yet never do anything to revive and up their skills in their relationship until it's about to die or is already dead.
Sometimes, doing something like changing the side of the bed you sleep on or even daring to sleep naked can do wonders for you.
Scandalous, I know, but maybe that's what you need. Challenge each other to try new things every few months and maybe go to a couples retreat. These activities will help you rediscover each other again, as supported by research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
5. Refill the cup of intimacy
When life gets busy and people get tired, intimacy goes out of the window. Some people even say the best way to kill your intimacy is to get married. How sad is that?
So many things have to line up for some people to feel turned on, including hormones, time, privacy, and just being in the mood. No wonder some people start being physically intimate only for their birthdays, it is too complicated to organize.
How about if you take it as a sign of maintaining your well-being and giving your spouse the gift of love?
Physical intimacy shows appreciation, love, connection, and desire. You can't leave it to hormones or schedules to make it happen, and you have to let the moment take you.
"A lack of intimacy is a reason why so many people feel unfulfilled in their relationships. But the good news is that couples can positively affect the level of intimacy they have with their partners. Intimacy is built on multiple levels — emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual. So, the more connected you are on all these levels, the more deeply you and your partner will feel about each other," suggested relationship coach Janet Ong Zimmerman.
6. Don't stop communicating
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This means asking for what you need and being your authentic self. This is very helpful because your spouse will know what and how to provide for you. For example, do you ask for a hug when you need it?
At some point, I was working in a very stressful environment, and I would get home and rant. Taurai would offer me a feel-good hug.
After a while, when I needed it, I would ask for it, and he was always happy to provide it. My daughter has also learned to ask for a feel-good hug, and I have to stop myself in whatever I am doing to give her what she needs. I can only do that when she asks.
Many people don't ask for what they need for physical intimacy, and they leave their satisfaction with their partner. This is expecting too much because you might not want the same things every day.
You are the expert on yourself, and if not, is it not time to learn? How do you ask? Is it a demand or a request? If you're not already getting your needs met, take time to express them because if you don't, your spouse will feel inadequate.
We communicate with our energy even when we don't say things out loud. The person who loves you will know you're holding back. Making them guess or saying, "If they love me, they would know," is just callous, and it will not make your love last.
Relationship coach Roland Legge recommended that "The only way to have a more satisfying relationship is for you to deal with conflict openly whenever it happens. So, practice excellent communication skills, walk your talk, honor and respect yourself and your partner, stay vulnerable, and take one hundred percent responsibility for yourself."
People appreciate different ways of showing and receiving love.
Are you being swept up by the majority and the media of what unconditional love supposedly looks like instead of knowing what your love language and your spouse's love language are? Just then, you'll be able to clarify for them what you would appreciate most, as shown by an article in the Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research.
If you are feeling uncertain about whether your relationship will survive or not, if you're worried, if you do find love, it will only last a short while, and then everything falls apart, and you're left heartbroken and in pain, don't worry!
If you choose the right match, understand what love means, negotiate your commitment, don't allow your relationship to get boring, and communicate your needs authentically and compassionately, then your love will continue to grow and flourish.
Melody Chadamoyo is a certified Law of Attraction and Relationship Coach.