5 Sweet Ways To Make A Man Feel A Deep, Emotional Bond With You
The five qualities that an emotionally mature man wants from a woman (and sex is not one of them).
Kamil Macniak / Shutterstock.com We women bond with men through an intimate physical connection.
Yes, I'm talking about sex! And touch. When we have sex with a guy and have an orgasm we are bonding with him.
The release of the "love" hormone oxytocin contributes to the bonding process. We put on our rose-colored glasses and start to see him as something yummy with relationship potential. But here's the thing ... most men have different ideas about how and why bonds begin to form.
Men Don't Bond Through Sex
They want sex, they love sex, but they don’t fall in love and bond through sex. Men don’t feel compelled to get all up in their “feelings” because they had some damn good sex with us. It really just breaks down to basic primal urges here.
(I want to say here that I am speaking in general terms. Of course, exceptions apply to this basic human rule and the points I aim to make are not just about women but also men, as they are all about the development of the self to create a sustainably happy, healthy relationship with a partner.)
How do we attract an emotionally mature, high-value man if sex is not a predominant bonding element?
Let’s first define a high-value man.
What is a high-value man?
"High value" has nothing to do with popular labels that we all hear about. What equates to high value is emotional and physical maturity.
You will notice that a high-value person will look for characteristics that they themselves exhibit and bring to the relationship. Unfortunately, in today's world where everything is focused on competition and racing through life, we understand that we are all replaceable.
Most people are not mature emotionally or physically when it comes to relationships.
To be emotionally and physically grown up means you are emotionally mature, not trapped by your emotions or led by them. It means you can process your emotions and understand them. It means you look for understanding, compassion, love, and empathy — and can stand behind your words and values.
Being physically grown up means that you are a responsible person.
You can pay your bills, you take care of your stuff in all areas of life, you don’t have a bunch of chaos and baggage in your life, you are not in victim mode, and you are self-aware. Plus, you are sexually responsible for yourself and respect boundaries and needs.
You understand that sex is not just physical but also mental and emotional. And you are human enough to care about the person that you are sleeping with.
How men form emotional bonds
As mentioned, men don’t get as attached as much women do through sex. Men attach and form bonds through experiences, through social activities with their women friends, through hobbies and mutual interests, and by sharing adventures.
Men are action oriented. They want to see a woman in action, see how she deals with things, and how she responds to certain circumstances.
Men want to observe moments when she loses her cool and what appeals to her sense of humor, and her sense of adventure. Men seek common ground.
A man looking for a life partner wants to know if he can drop into his masculine identity fully with her and trust her. A man who is in "victor" consciousness instead of "victim" consciousness wants a woman he can trust.
If he is looking for commitment and love, partnership, or a domestic union, then a man seeks a foundation and direction.
Too much talk and not enough action
What we have in today’s world is a bunch of talk and little to no action in our dating and relating. The exception is the occasional casual hookup, which both parties enter fully armored up to face emotionally and physically, too.
All that phone chatting, texting, and Face Timing we women believe is connection and relationship building ... well, it is not usually that to a man.
We think we can build a deep, passionate, connective, emotional connection with a man and he will want to "do life with us" and take us seriously even if he is a thousand miles away and we only see him once a month.
These sorts of ideas keep us in separation mode and do not instill a desire from the man for a long-term commitment. That is why if a man "ghosts" them, so many women wonder, “What happened?” We women think, “He must be a commitment-phobe or emotionally unavailable.”
We hear all day long about those things: the “wounded masculine.” Here is the thing, it’s not about the wounded masculine, although that is real.
Most men are actually just following their design code and losing interest in us because they are not emotionally bonded with us the way that we are with them. It is that simple.
When it comes to a man bonding with a woman, opening his heart to her means that he feels like he can trust her.
5 Qualities a Man Considers Before He Commits
These five actions can make the difference between a casual fling and a long-lasting relationship.
You practice transparency
Transparency in a relationship means this: If it is material to the relationship, meaning it may affect you or me, then it needs to be spoken, shared, etc. Sometimes, we feel this encroaches on our personal boundaries and rights in a relationship, and that another person has no right to ask things of us or to know unless we are very committed.
However, an emotionally mature person will want this from someone early on — before they buy all the way into the relationship and commit. They will not have trust in you without it.
You show empathy
Empathy is more than just feeling someone else’s feelings. It’s also caring about their feelings.
Women typically have figurative bank accounts full of empathy when they are getting into a man — so much so that many women become doormats to men and all they care about is how he feels. This is not attractive nor does it instill trust in your guy.
A grown-up man — a high-value man — is attracted to a relationship he can lean into and trust. He looks for ways for his partner and him to reach an accord by genuinely caring about each other's feelings.
You accept responsibility
A high-value man does not want a woman who is jaded, bitter, resentful and blaming men for where she is at in life. And if someone is always complaining and not able to take responsibility for their part in past relationship failures then they are still stuck in their wound. Taking responsibility for your actions, your choices, and what is happening in your life is sexy and attractive.
You fight fair
A mature man understands that conflict will happen in intimate relationships. He knows that couples fight, but he wants to know that he can trust you even here to come from love and rock solidness with a desire to do what is right and best for the partnership — not just you. He will not be attracted to a woman whose mission is to prove that she is right and he is wrong.
Healthy fighting, especially in intimate relationships, is about looking for happiness over rightness.
This means that when friction comes up, you are willing to listen to your partner, be present, communicate back to them what you heard, consider any adjustments they may suggest, and accept that their viewpoint is true for them.
Fighting fair means coming to a realistic resolution. This is healthy conflict communication.
It is not about being right but standing in empathy and compassion in the pursuit of mutual happiness.
You have standards
This means that your actions match your values.
Remember that men are action-oriented and they need to see that they can trust you to be somewhat predictable in different situations in life. Your words should just be a bi-product of your values.
Your actions need to align with what you say you value. If you say you value honesty, but you cannot be honest about where you want to go or what you want to do, only to bite his head off months later about it, then guess what … your actions do not match your values.
The true path to a man's emotional side
The bottom line is that men emphasize bonding through sex less than women, but it takes a lot more security and trust for them to give their emotional side and heart.
The whole package that an emotionally and physically mature man is looking for starts with these elements in a woman, NOT being a freak in bed, not being his therapist on the phone for hours on end, not being his maid and cook, and not being his coach on the field of life.
As great as all of those things are and can be, they have a time and place. True partnership and commitment are built on a foundation of trust.
Rene' Schooler (AKA Kendal Williams) is an intimacy and relationship coach who works with singles and couples worldwide. She co-authored the books 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Health and Building Foundations for Change.