The 75 Best Pieces Of Funny Marriage Advice Of All Time
You've found that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life.
Monkey Business / Canva Humor can help make a marriage last, and knowing how to make your partner laugh can go a long way. That's why funny marriage advice can be a great help in the hard times.
Many people, including famous authors, actors, and celebrities, know not to hold back when it comes to humor in a partnership.
Marriage life doesn't always need to be so serious. You can get through even the worst of times by finding humor in everything, from funny marriage advice for newlyweds to sayings about marriage and relationship quotes.
75 best pieces of funny marriage advice of all time
1. If you want her to listen, talk to another woman.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” — Sigmund Freud
2. Don't worry about finding a "good" wife.
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — often attributed to Socrates
3. Make sure you have separate bathrooms.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom, I sometimes ask, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” — Michelle Obama
4. Find someone you enjoy annoying.
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
5. Think of marriage as a game.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat, and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." — Stephanie Ortiz
6. Men, when you're right, you're still wrong, so keep your opinions to yourself.
"To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." — Ogden Nash
7. You don't need a green thumb to grow a marriage.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” — H. Jackson Brown, Jr
8. Go on dates — alone.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
9. Don't copy your vows from Google; use Pinterest.
“The first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages.” — Leslie Knope, "Parks & Recreation."
10. Remember, marriage is a life sentence.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" — Groucho Marx
11. The wife is always right.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” — Bill Maher
12. Never forget trash day.
"Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash." — Dr. Joyce Brothers
13. If she's your lobster, at least she's yummy. Who doesn't like lobster?
"She's your lobster. Come on, you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws." — Phoebe Buffay, "Friends"
14. Don't expect change — from each other or the store.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
15. It takes a bit of insanity.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too — for being married so many times.” — Elizabeth Taylor
16. Beside every man is...no one. His wife is ahead of him, mad.
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." ― Helen Rowland
17. Like a reverse lottery — you'll pay for life.
"Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you." — Chip Gaines
18. Promises are meant to be broken.
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck
19. Don't open the door for her; you deserve a moment of quiet.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip
20. Get used to all of each other's bodily functions.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
21. Cut off the Wi-Fi to see who they really are.
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell
22. Be okay with the dog getting more cuddles than you.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield
23. Compliment their haircut — no matter how bad it is.
“A man's main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month." — Dax Shepard
24. Think of marriage as a lifelong performance.
"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
25. Listen to them ramble.
“Spend a few minutes a day listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally
26. Having a wife is like a birthmark — she's always there, even when you can't see.
"Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up; she's there. You come back from work; she's there. You fall asleep; she's there. You eat dinner; she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not." — Ray Barone
27. Stay married — it's cheaper.
“People say, 'Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.' I think it's hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” — Tom Hanks
28. If she's smiling when mad, she's killed you in her head in at least 3 different ways.
"My husband and I have never considered divorce ... murder sometimes, but never divorce." — Dr. Joyce Brothers
29. Stay awake during date night.
“Make sure you have date night even if it's once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d prefer to sleep." — Chris Hemsworth
30. Marry for money, not love.
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing." — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
31. You'll be finding his lost things for life.
"I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored." — Cameron Esposito
32. You have to work harder to impress a crowd of one.
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
33. Don't skip ahead to the next show in the series if you want to live.
“I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat.” ― Mindy Kaling
34. Be okay with having someone eat off your plate for life.
"The definition of eternity is two people and a ham." — Dorothy Parker
35. Keep it simple, stupid.
“You go, ‘You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.'" — Nikki Glaser recalling Amy Schumer’s wedding vows
36. Marriage is like having a roommate with benefits
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then." — Katharine Hepburn
37. Tell her she's beautiful, even when she looks like a trainwreck.
“I'm just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life-support system, but my wife, she's breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She's a human Denny's all day long ... and it never ends for her. She's the most beautiful Denny's you've ever seen though, I guarantee it.” — Ryan Reynolds
38. Never remind her of her age.
"An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." — Agatha Christie
39. Don't expect to like each other more than half the time.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" — Michelle Obama
40. Marriage is a machine; keep it well-oiled, and it works great.
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." — Billy Connolly
41. Never tell her 'no.'
“We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.” — Justin Timberlake
42. Marriage is a lifelong game of tag — you're it!
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
43. Get used to each other's bodily functions.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…” — Kristen Bell
44. Ladies, be okay with him nodding off every chance he gets.
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward." — Benjamin Franklin
45. Get ready for a lifelong fight over the covers.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.” — George Bernard Shaw
46. Ladies, get him to do things by making them a challenge — he always wants to impress you.
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Ann Bancroft
47. Getting married isn't a waste — you get a cute dress, great gifts, and free cake.
“Always get married in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney
48. Keep smiling and nodding.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
49. Let her win at everything.
"After about 15 years, I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly, we just stopped fighting after that." — Barack Obama
50. He'll remember everything but your anniversary.
"Marriage: a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." — Ogden Nash
51. Always complement a home-cooked meal, even if it tastes terrible.
“Marriage is not just passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day.” — Dr. Joyce Brothers
52. You got her to marry you, don't expect much else.
"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." — Winston Churchill
53. You'll laugh and cry, but at least you won't do it alone.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." — Chris Rock
54. Be weird together.
"We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love — true love." — Robert Fulgham
55. Hate is just love dressed in cheap clothing.
“My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we've faced were those times when we hated each other.” — Andy Richter
56. Keep your wallet open, husbands.
"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?" — Dennis Miller
57. Never call her by her first name.
“My wife didn't take my name, which isn't weird, but what's weird is when people think it's weird like we're on a first-name basis anyway.” — Mark Agee
58. Your partner should balance you, but most of the time, they won't.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood
59. Loving each other is for the days that liking each other isn't enough.
"We just like each other. You start there. ... I still can't believe my wife goes out with me. If we were in high school and I was just funny, I'd never have the courage to talk to her." — Tom Hanks
60. Once she wears it, it's hers.
"Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?" – Janet Periat
61. Even when you think you have it figured out, you don't.
"Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome." — Jerry Seinfeld
62. Aren't marriage and insanity doing the same thing repeatedly?
“Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.” — Goldie Hawn
63. Marriage is like math — some days, it's mental, and other days, it's calculated — on both days, it's hard.
"Marriage is like a graph — it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!" — Dame Julie Andrews
64. Choose to be happy over being right.
"A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then, it's too late." — Frank Sinatra
65. If you quit, you'll never see who wins.
“Our marriage was the most difficult, grueling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives. And you know, we're just not quitters.” — Will Smith
66. Tell her the dress looks good on her, no matter what.
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock
67. Marriage can be the best or worst mistake you ever made — you choose.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.” — Elbert Hubbard
68. Your wife makes you better.
"Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me." — Barack Obama
69. Laugh at your troubles, just not in her face.
“Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ Only it doesn't last 22. It lasts forever." — Pete ("Knocked Up")
70. Your vows were for the audience; now that you're married, anything goes.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.” — Henry Youngman
71. Tell your partner they're the best you had, no matter what.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called 50 Shades of Just O.K.” — Conan O'Brien
72. Want to stay together? Ignore each other sometimes.
"F*ck it...that's really the attitude that keeps a family together.'" — Louis C.K.
73. Let him breathe when he pops his cork like a bottle of wine.
"Husbands are like wine; they take a long time to mature." — Donatella, "Letters to Juliet"
74. Marriage is manmade — enough said.
"Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30?" — Kim ("The Last Kiss")
75. Just keep swimming. Eventually, you'll get to the surface.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find someone who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." — Mac MacGuff, "Juno"
Megan Hatch is a former contributor to YourTango who has had bylines on Medium, Buzzfeed, MSN Canada, Patch, Voice of America, Canyon News, and others.