4 (Fixable) Personality Traits Women See As Red Flags, According To Experts
Sometimes patience and understanding pay off.
frenky362 / Shutterstock Nobody's perfect. As trite and obvious as that sounds, sometimes it's important to remember that when you're on the lookout for romance.
Why is it important to remember that? Because sometimes, new love is blind to the all-too-human flaws that might derail a relationship later on.
Then there's this: Sometimes, a minor character flaw emerges early in the relationship — and it becomes the perfect excuse to end it.
If you're compatible in every other sense, though, why let one imperfection of personality rob you of potential happiness in love? After all, people are capable of change. You might not be able to "fix" the trait you consider to be an early red flag. But they could grow out of it.
So, what are some seeming red flags that might seem prohibitive at first, but are "fixable" with enough patience and understanding? We asked a panel of YourTango relationship experts to share their thoughts.
Here are four (fixable) personality traits that women see as red flags, according to experts:
1. Hesitancy to commit to a relationship
One thing women see as a red flag that isn’t always a red flag is a fear of commitment. It is not always reasonable to expect someone to be enthusiastic about dedicating their life to one person. It’s a big decision. We’ve been around long enough to know that we are often wrong.
Expecting anyone to feel 100 percent about anything is unrealistic. It’s also not a bad thing when a man can vocalize his fears and insecurities. It’s like going skydiving. You might really want to go and you know do you want to do it. A part of you is excited, but there is also a healthy part of your brain that is nervous or unsure. That’s a mature and rational response.
When it comes to relationships we’ve all been hurt. It makes sense to proceed with cautious optimism.
- Erika Jordan, love coach, NLP practitioner
2. Overt expression of defense mechanisms
Red flags are traits in a relationship that potentially will be problematic are common. Personality traits that can be seen as red flags are always late, pessimistic, arrogant, dishonest and uncertain.
When addressed, these traits are usually fixable if your partner is open to change. The only productive way for women to address and understand red flags is by talking to the person about them. Women can listen and understand why someone comes across with what seems like negative personality traits, but maybe are really defense mechanisms or ways to cope with other underlying difficulties.
Someone may always be late, pessimistic, and uncertain because they have anxiety. Arrogance and dishonesty are usually a result of low self-esteem. Much of the time we are not aware.
Talk to your partner about the red flags that you see and you may be surprised how that awareness can lead to insight and ultimately change. The change is usually twofold, women may overlook some of the traits because they are now understood and the partner who is now aware will begin improving those traits.
- Dr. Susan Pazak, clinical psychologist and life coach
3. Blatant lack of respect or consideration
Every relationship needs space and there must be breathing room for both. Overly controlling behavior is one trait that is a red flag for women in any man's relationship. They love to be given their space to express themselves without being judged.
Comparing your partner to any of your exes or any other women you know is yet another red flag often noticed by women. By comparing, you are overlooking the uniqueness and value the person is bringing to your life.
Women tend to be silent and nonexpressive on their sex and intimacy preferences. If a man ignores the sexual and intimacy preferences and tries to dominate the woman, this is a big red flag and turns off the woman immediately. Sex is a subject of personal preferences and the skill is to read the silence. For women, both too much and too little are red flags that are often noticed in men.
- Sidhharrth S Kumaar, numerologist, relationship coach
4. Poor listening and communication skills
Three of the more fixable traits that may be red flags are a sense of humor, the capacity to listen well, and openness.
Serving as a model for effective listening that encourages openness, a woman may use open-ended questions, paraphrasing, and reflection of a specific feeling that is sensed in communicating with a potentially promising man. For example, an open-ended question such as what interests you about a particular topic or how do you feel about it may demonstrate the approach and lead to fresh engagement.
- Ruth Schimel, Ph.D., career & life management consultant, author
Carter Gaddis is the senior editor for Experts and Wellness with YourTango.