4 Off-Putting Personality Quirks That Women Instantly Flag — But Can Totally Be Fixed
These quirks are all fixable with a little self-awareness.
cottonbro studio | Pexels Nobody's perfect. As trite and obvious as that sounds, sometimes it's important to remember when you're on the lookout for romance. Why is it important to remember? Because sometimes new love is unrecognizable to the all-too-human quirks that might derail a relationship.
Then there's this: Sometimes, a minor off-putting character quirk emerges early in the relationship and it becomes the perfect excuse to end it. Some quirks might seem prohibitive at first but are fixable with enough patience and understanding, so we asked a panel of YourTango relationship experts to share their thoughts.
Here are off-putting personality quirks that women instantly flag but can be fixed:
1. Hesitancy to commit
One thing women see as a red flag that isn’t always a red flag is a fear of commitment. It is not always reasonable to expect someone to be enthusiastic about dedicating their life to one person. It’s a big decision. We’ve been around long enough to know we are often wrong.
Expecting anyone to feel 100 percent about anything is unrealistic. It’s also not a bad thing when a man can vocalize his fears and insecurities. It’s like going skydiving. You might want to go and you know you want to do it. A part of you is excited, but there is also a healthy part of your brain that is nervous or unsure. That’s a mature and rational response.
A 2023 study found willingness to commit directly affected the overall well-being of people in relationships, and people hesitant to commit in their relationship had a lower sense of well-being than single individuals. When it comes to relationships we’ve all been hurt, so it makes sense to proceed with cautious optimism.
— Erika Jordan, love coach, NLP practitioner
2. Defensive about everything
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Red flags in a relationship that potentially will be problematic are common. Personality traits that can be seen as red flags are always being late, pessimistic, arrogant, dishonest, and uncertain, while always displaying immature defensive mechanisms in response.
When addressed, these traits are usually fixable if your partner is open to change. The only productive way for women to address and understand red flags is by talking to the person about them. Women can listen and understand why someone comes across with what seems like negative personality traits, but maybe they are defense mechanisms or ways to cope with other underlying difficulties. Immature defense mechanisms are related to attachment style, according to a 2019 study that showed, "insecure attachment in adults and those specific defense configurations are associated with the avoidant and anxious components of attachment."
Someone may always be late, pessimistic, and uncertain because they have anxiety. Arrogance and dishonesty are usually a result of low self-esteem. Much of the time we are not aware.
Talk to your partner about the red flags you see and you may be surprised how that awareness can lead to insight and ultimately change. The change is usually twofold, women may overlook some of the traits because they are now understood, and the partner who is now aware will begin improving those traits.
— Dr. Susan Pazak, clinical psychologist and life coach
3. Blatant lack of respect or consideration
Every relationship needs space and there must be breathing room for both. Overly controlling behavior is one red flag for women. They love to be given space to express themselves without being judged.
Comparing your partner to any of your exes or any other women you know is yet another red flag often noticed by women. By comparing, you are overlooking the uniqueness and value the person is bringing to your life.
Women tend to be silent and nonexpressive on their intimacy preferences. If a man ignores the intimacy preferences and tries to dominate the woman, this is a big red flag and turns off the woman immediately. Intimacy is a subject of personal preferences and the skill is to read the silence. For women, both too much and too little are red flags that are often noticed in men.
— Siddharth S. Kumaar, numerologist, relationship coach
4. Poor listening and communication skills
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Three of the more fixable traits that may be red flags are an offensive sense of humor, the lack of capacity to listen, and closed-mindedness. A 2014 study of humor use in relationships explored how "Aggressive humor used by the partner as perceived by the participant was negatively correlated with daily relationship satisfaction," and "daily affiliative humor was found to have a moderating effect on the relationship between conflict and relationship satisfaction."
Serving as a model for effective listening that encourages openness, a woman may use open-ended questions, paraphrasing, and reflection of a specific feeling that is sensed in communicating with a potentially promising man. For example, an open-ended question such as what interests you about a particular topic or how you feel about it may demonstrate the approach and lead to fresh engagement.
— Ruth Schimel, Ph.D., career & life management consultant, author
If you're compatible in every other sense, why let one imperfection of personality rob you of potential happiness in love? After all, people are capable of change. You might not be able to "fix" the trait you consider to be an early red flag. But they could grow out of it.
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for newspapers in Florida and for various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
