Experts Reveal 5 'Connection Destroyers' They See Most In Marriage Counseling
You might only realize the connection has been eroding once it is lost.
gorodenkoff | Canva You meet, fall in love, get engaged, plan the wedding, go on the honeymoon, find a house, and live happily ever after. Wait. Hold on a moment. Love and marriage require awareness of the everyday influences on the health of your connection because some subtle things can destroy your marital bond.
Here are 5 connection-destroyers experts see most in marriage counseling:
1. Weaponized incompetence
Weaponized incompetence refers to the deliberate or strategic display of incompetence or inadequacy by an individual to avoid responsibility, shirk duties, or manipulate others into taking on their tasks.
Here's why it's a connection killer: First, the behavior typically results in an unequal distribution of household and emotional labor, as explored in a 2005 study. The competent partner ends up carrying the bulk of the responsibilities, leading to frustration, burnout, and resentment.
Second, willful (or weaponized) incompetence can be interpreted as a lack of respect for the partner’s time and effort. It signals that one partner does not value the other’s contributions or the shared goals of the relationship.
— Regina F. Lark, Ph.D., Entrepreneur, author, speaker
2. When love languages conflict
Differences in a partner's love languages can slowly and subtly change the emotional dynamic for the worse in a marriage. This can be as simple as one partner needing to hear "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" and the other never saying those words aloud.
Or, it emerges in their intimate lives when one partner's needs and desires clash with the other's. Little by little, these differences create dissatisfaction and resentment on one or both sides and ultimately lead to emotional alienation.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist
3. You're too busy for each other
When you get so busy you begin to live parallel lives without deliberately carving time out to create consistent little magic moments with one another, of course minus the kids if you have them.
— Joy Nordenstrom, MBA, CMM, Relationship Mentor
4. When familiarity becomes contempt
A Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study helps show that far and away, the number one connection killer in a marriage is contempt of the familiar, treating a spouse with disdain, and being distant. Contempt often happens from the thousand little cuts in a marriage, issues that never get settled that lead to subtle underlying anger which leads to contempt.
— Mitzi Bockmann, Life coaching
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5. Lack of appreciation
Our sweetheart relationships are inherently meant to be where we feel the most adored, cherished, and understood. But, because they are also the places where we are the most familiar, it is easy for us to forget to treat each other with the kind of care and attention that sweetheart connection requires.
When we let the familiarity of our relationships overtake the specialness, we can be vulnerable to a slow death of feeling unappreciated, unloved, or unseen. So many marriages end because people have lost the feeling of sacred connection and instead feel the pain of being under-appreciated, overlooked, and misunderstood.
The best way to avoid these pitfalls is to commit ourselves to taking the time to express adoration, gratitude, and delight, and to offer our sweethearts dedicated attention and curiosity about what they are experiencing in life at the moment.
— Eli Harwood, Counselor/Therapist
A healthy marriage needs both partners' awareness of how to maintain a strong connection, and then you will have found your happily ever after growing even happier.
Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.