6 Essential Things You Should Always Ask For In A Relationship (If You Don't Want A Divorce)
If you want a healthy relationship, you must ask for these things.
Brooke Cagle | Canva In the Lean In era, we’ve become primed to know exactly what to ask our bosses to get to the next rung on the career ladder. But when it comes to discussing our wants with our S.O., it’s harder to be as upfront — even when it’s just as essential as career satisfaction to our happiness. But being clear on what you need in your relationship ensures that you and your guy are on the same page — and that your bond will be as satisfying and fulfilling as possible.
Here are 6 essential things you should always ask for in a relationship, if you don't want a divorce:
1. Honesty
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Don’t bite your tongue if he’s contemplating a cross-country move while you could never imagine yourself living in Los Angeles. “Honesty often erodes in relationships because of good intentions; the partner wants the other person to be happy, so they may fudge the truth to avoid a confrontation,” explains Ellen Kenner, Ph.D., co-author of The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love With Passion and Reason.
In the long run, keeping quiet about how you feel can lead to resentment and distance. Not digging a cross-country move? Instead of immediately confronting him, ask him how he imagines the move will change his life. That way, you can share your fears about how the move will affect the relationship and share your thoughts, so it becomes a convo rather than an argument.
2. Intimacy
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Intimacy in a romantic relationship is about feeling emotionally connected and supported by your partner, both mentally and physically. The two of you share a special and unique bond.
Real intimacy involves both parties feeling safe and comfortable enough to be vulnerable with each other with an agreement on fidelity and trust in the relationship. That kind of intimacy in a relationship is the most important, as trust is everything, even to men.
Even though men might have a more physical understanding of intimacy, such as physical connection, foreplay, hugging, and kissing, they still want someone they can trust and a physical sense of their partner's needs. Whatever it is, being able to verbalize what gets you off is critical, says Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a relationship therapist and director at The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, CO.
2018 research from Frontiers in Psychology found that since women typically desire a more significant parental investment from their male partners, women also want a long-term commitment from their male partners, and interpersonal investment and love are facilitated by emotional intimacy. Therefore, a male partner’s willingness to share his feelings/show his love for his partner or is committed (emotional accessibility) is essential for women.
Interestingly, we also found that emotional accessibility was overall more important than physical accessibility. These results are consistent with prior work showing that men and women rate emotional commitment tactics as most effective for achieving reconciliation after romantic conflict.
3. Time to be you
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“So many relationships fall apart down the line because partners get so wrapped up in the relationship that they lose track of what makes them tick as individuals.
While it’s good to think of yourself as a pair, having some separate interests maintains the individuality and uniqueness that drew both of you to each other in the first place,” explains Kenner.
Make sure that you both do it regularly. By all means, invite him to your killer Spin class and try a game of Frisbee golf with him, but be fine having your hobbies and reconnecting later. Not only is this good for your bond—you'll have new things to talk about and learn about — but it ensures you stay true to yourself too.
A 2020 study referenced the self-determination theory, which states that individuals need to feel that their actions are self-directed and freely chosen rather than feeling coerced or pressured by others. Autonomy stresses the authenticity of behaviors and choices congruent with one’s own needs, promoting well-being and relationship maintenance behaviors.
4. Financial transparency
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We’re not saying you should bring out your credit card statements on the first date, but once you’re pooling finances, it’s important that neither of you is hiding anything — and you’re both on board for plans, whether it’s paying for your wedding or putting a down payment on a house. “Financial infidelity can be hugely damaging in a relationship because it propagates dishonesty,” warns Kenner.
Planning a trip together can be a good way to suss out financial compatibility and talk out issues as they arise in a relatively low-key environment. Once you’ve learned to talk through money when you’re working toward a specific goal — like a beach vacation — the tone is set for talking about more serious stuff.
A 2018 study from the Journal of Financial Therapy has estimated that as many as 41% of American adults admit to hiding accounts, debts, or spending habits from their spouse or partner. "It does seem that financial infidelity is on the rise," says an industry analyst.
5. An ally in awkward family issues
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Part of combining lives is combining families, and it’s common to occasionally clash with your significant other’s family. But experts agree you should always feel like your guy has your back first, and won’t allow his mom or dad to bully you into something. “Feeling first and foremost like you’re part of a team is essential,” reminds Kenner.
Start by letting him know how it feels: Because he’s so used to communicating with them, he may not realize his parent’s comments can be interpreted as critical, says Kenner. Then, let him know what might make it better—maybe it’s him taking the lead in discussing a controversial issue between you and his mom instead of him staying silent while you do it.
75% of couples report having problems with an in-law. It can be hard enough to deal with your parents, let alone your partner's parents, who may disapprove of you (openly or covertly), be protective of their child (or the opposite, treat their child in ways that make you want to protect your partner), or feel threatening to you or the relationship in some other way.
Dr. Tasha Seiter, a licensed marriage and family therapist, sees that her clients are hesitant to validate their partner’s hurt feelings when they involve the actions of a family member. They may fear that doing so will worsen the family's disharmony, and their partner will move further away from getting along with their parents.
6. Fun
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In the daily grind, it’s easy to lose the romance, silliness, and excitement that attracted you both to each other in the first place. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay, reminds Skyler. Making it a priority — date nights, cute messages written on the mirror, taking the day off together to hang out in bed — ensures that it won’t get lost in the shuffle.
Anna Davies is a writer who has appeared in the New York Post, New York Magazine, Time Out New York, SELF Magazine, Refinery29, and more.