At The End Of The Day, Men Want 3 Simple Things
What men want in a partnership isn't rocket science.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva What is it men really like in bed? About being confident in yourself and reintroducing an element of surprise into your intimate life. For more specifics, we turned to YourTango Experts Adam Gilad and Dr. John Beiter, who gave us a candid glimpse inside the male mind.
Perfectionism is the death knell of erotic, hot marriages. I mean, who wants to climb into bed with "right" and "wrong" — those schoolmarmish tyrants of the intimate world?
Physical intimacy is neither a test nor is it bookkeeping. It's a play, it's a dance, it's a creative recipe with which you continually experiment. It is the opportunity to spin an exquisite physical confection from what you two do outside the bedroom.
So rather than grade yourself on technique and wonder, "Should I put this leg here, that finger there, hoist this body part over that body part?" begin by asking, "What opens my man's heart outside the bedroom?" Carry those ingredients into the bedroom. If you want to create the kind of intimacy that bonds you deeply and learn what men want in bed, then consider this three-step process.
At the end of the day, here are 3 simple things men want:
1. Your acceptance and love
A 2018 study showed one of the main ways many men secretly carry shame — real and imagined — of being inadequate, of "losing" in dozens of ways, of failing in competitions. As the woman, you have the unique opportunity to be the soothing harbor in his rough seas. So accept him as he is. Bathe him in acceptance.
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Tell him — through your words, your eyes, and your hands as you caress and hold him — just how much you love him. "I love you." "I think you are perfect." "I love the things you do for me." "I am so grateful you are in my life." "I love your body." Do this without any qualification and too much detail so his attention doesn't get fixated so that shame cannot enter.
2. An invitation to be a hero
Men generally don't want to be told what to do, especially by their partners as seen in 2020 research on perceived power and gender. But we love being invited to be your hero. And most men feel more worthy of being the giver than the receiver. So many men tell me that satisfying their partner is what turns them on the most.
So invite him to please you. Again, not only with your words but with the language of your body — your writhing and moans and sighs and shudders. Let him know and feel what is opening your body and heart (notice I don't say, "what he's doing 'right;" remember, no schoolmarms in bed).
I had a longtime lover who did just the opposite; rather than inviting me to open her, she angrily criticized any "false move" I made as not merely wrong, but proof I didn't love her because I couldn't intuit what she wanted. It was like playing that old board game Operation (Bzzz! You touched the wrong part). I would leave the bedroom feeling as if I were (if you'll excuse the pun) a bush league player. No surprise here: I eventually traded myself to another team.
3. A reward for getting it right
I have a secret formula for women who want to know what men want in bed and it works for dating, marriage, and intimacy. It's sort of the "source code" for men's inner world. And it is this: Acknowledge and reward a man more deeply into his virtues.
A study from 2013 reinforces how people are trainable by using conditioned responses. In this case, as will be often for you, his virtues are basically what you want him to do. When he does something you love, let him know, then instantly reward him with your sweet or ravenous words. Do this and he will be far more likely to do that thing again — and feel like a hero for getting it “right."
One final guideline: Men like to feel worthy of doing things. Some kill bugs. Others provide. Some fix the plumbing. You can offer your man release from his "doing state" by telling him clearly, "OK, now just lie back, honey. This one's on me. You don't have to do anything at all."
Then check in for guidance as you go along, and make sure he keeps his hands to his sides. Have him practice receiving your love. It is a deep and altering gift. And if he is a good man, this will fuel his desire to please you in all ways.
Intimate pleasure begins with making him feel not only like a man but like "the man", the one who is accepted, competent, appreciated, and rewarded.
Adam Gilad is an Emmy-nominated producer and award-winning writer.
Dr. John Beiter is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist with an office in Troy, MI.