Your Parents Did A Great Job Preparing You For Marriage If They Taught You These 9 Old-Fashioned Life Lessons
It's the little things in marriage that go a long way.
Curated Lifestyle | Unsplash How our parents interacted in their marriages affects our future relationships by modeling the behaviors of a loving couple. Growing up in a home with parents who were always seeking ways to find new behaviors, new attitudes, and a new outlook to create positive energy in the marriage is a great way for children to start learning how to be in a relationship.
Parents whose joy permeated the marriage and family didn't arrive at a great marriage without paying attention to the small details of making a marriage work. It’s about reaching out to each other with love.
Your parents did a great job preparing you for marriage if they taught you these lessons:
1. How to break the ice
Forget the resentment and the awkwardness. For five minutes, walk up to your spouse with a smile on your face and hug them. You can even say, "Hi, I just needed a hug from my beautiful husband. How are you doing?" This is key to moving forward with positive energy.
Marriage counselor Julie Orvol explained, "Make time to cuddle before going to sleep. Hold hands, walk arm-in-arm, and remember what it felt like to be in the courtship phase, creating romance and connection. I promise that you will feel better about your mate, your relationship, and yourself. Honestly, affection is the best cure for disconnect. It reminds you why you fell in love in the first place."
2. How to create a routine
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Create a new ritual of greeting them with "Good Morning," a "Good Night, Sweetheart," and a "Hey, babe, how was your day?"
3. How to set realistic expectations
A peck on the cheek with a strong squishy hug can turn into a kiss on the lips. Who knows? Whatever you do, make certain you do it without any expectations.
If you have an agenda that will be wonderful and they’ll take you in their arms — you might be setting yourself up for disappointment for both of you, as supported by a study of unrealistic marriage expectations in The Psychological Assessment Journal.
Just keep it simple, positive, and friendly. If they act awkward, just keep smiling and smoothly let the awkward moment pass.
4. How to show gratitude
Tell them you were thinking positive thoughts for them, knowing they had a big job to do that day. Let them feel your positive sincerity. It’s kind of hard to be angry or agitated or rude when your spouse is smiling at you and paying attention to you! Even if it’s just for a moment, focus your attention on them.
"With our partners, it is sometimes easy to notice and forget that we frequently behave toward each other the way young children do with their parents. Just as a child tugs on her mother’s skirt to get her attention and tell her about the fascinating things she saw in school that day, we constantly seek affirmation from our significant others. At the core, we want to feel we exist by having the people we care about witness our lives," advised couples counselors Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt.
5. How not to be present (and off your smartphone)
They are wonderful and an integral part of our lives, but do not bode well. People are texting instead of talking, or texting someone else when they need to focus on who is in front of them!
Nothing new, trendy, digital, or electronic will ever replace direct face-to-face eye contact and a smile.
6. How to show acts of kindness
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Make their coffee, tea, or smoothie in the morning just the way they like it. Then bring it to them or have their favorite morning snack heated and ready just for them!
"There is joy in kindness," explained life coach Debra Smouse, "There is a sense of pride in acts of caring. Small gestures of affection remind me that I'm an active contributor to the overall health of our relationship. Those love nuggets I generously sprinkle in his life return to me tenfold in my sense of satisfaction in my daily life.
7. How to practice the golden rule
Instead of thinking about how they never bring you flowers, why don’t you bring them flowers? Start treating them the way you want them to treat you.
Remember, the gesture has to genuinely come from you to them without any expectations of change from them.
8. How to be trustworthy
Think of trust in your relationship, per the American Psychological Association, as planting seeds into the ground. The farmer cannot go out into his fields and tug and pull on the leaves to make them grow faster.
The farmer just tends to them, weeds around them, waters them, feeds them with nutrients, and makes certain they get a lot of sun. They trust and believe their plants will grow and bloom because of the good love energy they infuse into each plant.
9. How to show genuine appreciation
If you have a lot of love for yourself and your spouse, appreciate that. Be grateful for your kids, your pets, your home, your love, and your health! Appreciate that you have each other.
Relationship counselor Larry Michel said, "We may think there is nothing special about picking up dog poop or holding down a job because we feel this is their responsibility, or that is the least they can do in exchange for our presence in their life. If any of our beliefs about what is special or not is motivated by an “exchange” of service, attention, or even presence, this is the first thing that must change now. They are never going to truly feel seen or appreciated if this is how we place value on our partners."
Is this a lot of work? Only if you think it is. This is a 3-step process towards connecting and creating intimacy!
Step 1: Positive intentions are the positive emotions of wanting the best for each of you.
Step 2: Change your thinking from what you "used to have", "lack now", or "wish might happen in the future".
Start seeing what you have in front of you. Other people would stand in line around the block to have your life!
Step 3: Take action with baby steps one at a time. This is a covert mission to reclaim your power back over the awkwardness and disengagement. Actions tell the Universe you are seriously showing up in this marriage and you’re willing to do your part.
By infusing your marriage with new behaviors, new attitudes, and a new outlook, you are creating new energy in the marriage.
The more joy you reclaim for yourself, the more it will ripple into the relationship.
The more you take care of yourself, the more love you have to give!
Margot Brown, LMFT, PsyD, is a career and divorce coach, and the author of Kickstart Your Relationship Now! Move On Or Move Out, is a guide to helping couples learn better communication.