6 Signs A Person Has A Toxic Personality From The Start, According To Psychology
Are you the cause for all your relationship problems?
Motortion | Canva Look, relationships are hard — and none of us are perfect. We've all been guilty of being less-than-kind to our partner at one point or another, that's just life. But sometimes occasional digs or the offhand mean comment are more than just a bad moment — and are signs that you're a toxic partner.
Beyond physical abuse, some relationship red flags may be dismissed as common ways to cope. That’s a mistake. Esteemed relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has pinpointed four additional categories for toxic behavior in relationships: Incessant criticism, regular defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These behaviors are so destructive to relationships that Gottman refers to them as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
Here are 6 signs a person has a toxic personality from the start, according to psychology:
1. They never accept blame
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If someone finds themselves struggling time and time again with different partners, the harsh truth is the problem may be the common denominator: them.
“If you are tempted to blame all your relationship woes on your partner, chances are you’re overlooking your role in the problem,” says marriage and family counselor Jessica Wade, who explained it is vital to accept responsibility. Research from the Gottman Institute states how damaging it is to play the blame game in one's relationship.
2. They say things they don’t mean
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Words spoken in anger can’t really be taken back. Marriage and family counselor Lisa Bahar explains statements such as “You’re crazy” or “What’s wrong with you?” lead to invalidating environments. In these cases, the root of the problem is often a rush to a reaction.
“Check the facts of what you are reacting to versus assuming you know what is going on,” Bahar says, adding it helps to learn “healthy assertion skills” instead of resorting to passive-aggressiveness. Research from the University of Georgia tells us that arguing can be helpful for a relationship, but only if it's constructive and not negative.
3. It’s “their way or the highway”
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Another common behavior that can wear on a relationship is refusing to accept influence from their partner. More than simple stubbornness, Wade explains this can be harmful if their partner doesn’t think his or her opinions are valued.
Fortunately, she says that can be overcome by committing to truly hearing out their partner. Active listening can improve relationships, confirms research from 2014.
4. They're unhealthily dependent on their partner
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Contributing toxicity to a relationship isn’t just about how they treat their partner but also how they treat themself. Wade explains that if someone relies on the relationship to feel good, “That’s a sign something underlying should be addressed.”
This may come to a head, she says, with threats of self-harm. “If someone ever said or even thought, ‘If they leave me, I’ll kill myself,' or something similar, it’s time to take a break from the relationship and get help now.” Being co-dependent on one's partner for happiness won't end well for them, and can make your partner resent them, 2022 research confirms.
5. They deliberately punish their partner
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As innocuous as it may seem, Wade cautions that giving the silent treatment or withholding intimacy over small transgressions are signs of manipulation. Sure, they might feel like they’re just trying to send a message, but there is a better way to express their frustrations. Research from Cleveland Clinic shows that silent treatment can be harmful because it affects the same areas of the brain that process physical pain.
Take for example the milk one's partner can’t seem to remember from the store: Rather than pouting, Wade suggests calmly explaining to their spouse that is delaying dinner and will require them to make a return trip to the store. She notes, “Scolding, yelling, and punishing are rarely effective with children, so skip it in a relationship, too.”
6. They 'playfully' slap their partners
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In a 2010 study, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defined physical violence as “slapping, pushing or shoving.” Under those parameters, more than five million men reported being victimized by their partner in the previous year.
With such a thin line between the kind of slapping that doesn't leave a mark and something much more dangerous, that is simply unacceptable. What’s more, Baher explains that “harmless slapping” is symptomatic of an inability to appropriately express their feelings — which means it is likely best to step back from the relationship and seek help from a professional counselor.
In the existence of these behaviors, the key is first accepting there is a problem. That will give the relationship a better chance at success — and them a better set of coping skills going forward.
“What I’ve seen is that most people don’t always realize their behavior is harmful,” she says. “Once they understand the impact it has on the relationship, they can and usually do desire to make a change.”
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Emily Glover writes about body positivity, motherhood, and marriage in Colorado. Her words can be found on Babble, Ravishly, Bustle, Romper, and more.