6 Things I Learned About Finding 'The One' When I Went On 30 Dates In 35 Days
Ten men in their 30s, ten in their 40s and ten in their 50s.
jacob lund / shutterstock.com About four years ago, as an experiment in early relationships, I decided that I would take thirty days to go out on thirty dates with thirty different men.
As it turned out, it actually took me thirty-five days to accomplish because I took a trip with friends to Mexico in the middle of this data collection. I had decided that I would date ten men in their 30s, ten in their 40s and ten in their 50s.
Half would be men I was naturally attracted to and date if I were seriously looking, and 50% would be men that I had zero interest in for one reason or another.
Needless to say, it was an interesting project and one that I am glad I undertook for many reasons.
The education about our dating world of today was eye-opening. The information I learned allowed me to help countless of my single clients with from profile creation, conversation starters, how to best vet people out and how to stand in integrity in this crazy, swipe-left society that makes even love and commitment disposable.
Rest assured, there is a book coming in the near future that will be candid conversion around my discoveries and broken down into fun educational chapters where each date will be featured with all the pros and cons that I gained from the experience and tips on successful modern dating.
Today, however, I want to share with you six vital points that I learned through the process of dating thirty guys in thirty-five days to help you find “the one.”
Steps to finding 'the one' in a swipe-left society
All these points can be applied to both men and women. This musing is for the person who is looking to find a committed love-based, long-term relationship/partnership and has not had the success in the vetting process that they had hoped for.
The first thing that you need to understand about dating is that it is just that — a vetting process.
You should not be dating just to entertain yourself or stay busy with the idea that something is better than nothing IF you are actually wanting a serious committed relationship or marriage. You should be dating to figure out if you could have a relationship with someone, and once you start to explore the relationship you need to understand that it takes a minimum of 200 hours face to face with someone to see the real person.
It's like they're a different person
That's why people today say, “I don’t get it. We had been dating for the last six months or a year and then things just changed. He/she changed. It’s like they were a different person.” Yeah, that’s correct! They had their mask on and it takes that long for it to come down. So why invest six months to a year to get that mask down?
Take the time on the front side to vet people quickly and front load your investment with time out of the gate. You will never get to know someone if you are just entertaining the both of you. You need to inquire. Lots of talking and asking, but it needs to be face-to-face. Texting and phone do not count!
People can be anybody they want you to see them as when you are texting, emailing and on the phone. The real person presents themselves face to face and with time invested.
Once you have figured out if you could see yourself in a relationship with someone, now it's time to vet for partnership.
Partnership equates to a shared life, intimacy in all senses and commitment.
This takes more time and trust building. The best way to build trust is to see if someone stands in their integrity or not and you can see this through closer relating, moving in together to explore relationships and daily living together with all the things so you can figure out if the partnership is viable or not.
Okay, are you ready for the most significant things to watch out for when you are dating in today's world?
Here we go.
6 types of guys I learned to avoid during my 30 date experiment
1. A man who lives in victim consciousness.
No one likes to go out on a date with someone and hear about all the wrongdoings of the last person. Blaming the ex, not being able to take responsibility for their part in the ending of the relationship are not great points to start a fresh relationship with unless one is hoping for a relationship with pity.
The reality is that probably 60% of the population is dysfunctional in some fashion when it comes to relationships and the hard truth is that you may be in this 60% yourself. Most dysfunction comes from not knowing yourself, making you too immature to be getting into a serious relationship. Age has nothing to do with this one, emotional maturity and understanding yourself is what is vital here.
Twenty percent or so of the population has serious (maybe even clinical) issues that render them incapable of holding a successful relationship. The remaining 20% of the population is pretty healthy and has worked on self-awareness, love and confidence to be able to support and nurture a true relationship with someone.
So, if you are out on a date with someone or just “talking” and they share a little too much about the ex and how they did them wrong, how they did not have it coming (in most cases, a break-up is a two-way street), see it as a red flag that this person may have some challenges.
It may not be a deal breaker, but it's a pretty big flag!
2. A man who is still caught up in his last relationship.
You will be able to see this a million miles away. They will not stop talking about their ex.
They will want to take you to places that they used to go with the ex, they will go through waves of emotion because they will have days where they will be grieving and may apologize for it but it's still happening.
The reality is that this person is nowhere ready for a serious relationship, even if they say that they are. You will become the transition relationship, leading you to heartbreak and pain, so just say no.
3. A man who counts a few months to half a year as a significant relationship.
People sometimes do have significant relationships in this time frame. They sometimes get married and divorced in less than six months or a year, but that does not mean that they understand “real” relating.
If someone claims they have been in a serious relationship and you find out they dated for a half year or so and saw this person once a week at best, remember the 200-hour rule shared above. No one knew anyone in that relationship. It was playing around and entertaining not being in a relationship.
Again, not a deal breaker but a big flag to inquire more on.
4. A man in a state of chaos when you meet him.
I have heard all the stories from going through a divorce and just wanting to get over the marriage so is out dating, to medical issues, financial issues, kids and parents. Life happens to all of us and it can throw you into chaos for sure, but if you start talking to someone or dating and all of a sudden one thing after another starts happening you may want to pause and take a breath.
This means stop and inquire. If you are really interested in that person then work hard on spending time with them so that you can see if all that they are going through is true or if they are great story creators. Remember the 20% of people who are possibly clinically not able to have a relationship.
Some people need and thrive in their stories and chaos, you need to see this flag right away for what it is or is not.
5. A man who treats you as though you are disposable.
Because you are to them. This is a big one for so many people out there and you may be even guilty of giving off this vibe without realizing it yourself.
Our society has created a view of relationships, love, sex, commitment and intimacy as though it is disposable, easy to replace and meaningless, leaving so many people feeling alone, unwanted, unlovable and not able to trust. When some puts on their profile and says to you, “I am looking for a serious relationship or marriage,” and then has a tough time responding in a proper time frame this is a sign that they are not ready for what they are claiming they want.
They may have a million and one great reasons as to why they are so tardy or why what they are saying does not match what they are doing, but a person who is truly ready for a serious relationship, emotionally mature and not in chaos will be able to schedule a time to touch base and put a good effort forward to connect and get to know someone that they are interested in seriously.
If the actions and words don’t match then know that it's either they are not in a place to be ready for a serious relationship or they are just not that into you. Unfortunately, in today's dating world 70-80% of men and women alike are flaky AF.
6. A man who tells you, “I am not ready for a relationship. I just want to have fun.”
Why do we humans believe that we will change someone else’s wants and feelings? If someone says this to you — believe them!
I was this person with a few people. I consistently told men that I was dating that I was not looking for something serious, was not into them like that, was not ready or wanting more than fun and geez the hearts that broke, the drama that occurred, the frustration on all sides.
I stood in my integrity and what I saw was these men caved and would say anything, act outside of their character and desires just to hold on to the relationship believing that they would change my mind and feelings. They did not.
The issue is that attachment happens even when having fun, even if you think that you can hold it together and may want it yourself, if at your core you want a serious, committed relationship and you are vetting to get that, then pay close attention to this flag when someone shares it freely. Because often, the person who is not wanting to be serious is conscious of the differences and will make it clear as to where they are and are not.
That said, it may not be a deal breaker for you, so again inquire. Ask them if you are not looking for something serious then why are you on this dating app? Chances are they will say they just want to have fun.
All my years of working with people and one of the most common things that I hear is, “I thought something was off but…”
That little word “but” is pure doom to many hearts.
It gets you to not listen to your intuition, to not see/hear the clues and reality and in turn, have you focused on the amazing sex you had, how attractive someone is, how funny, how likable, how much fun you have when you are together.
You only look at what you have in common instead of the vital signs of what you don’t have in common, such as a desire and ability to have a committed, serious love-based relationship as two emotionally mature individuals who are wanting a partnership in the long term.
If you hear “but” in your mind, see it for what it really is when it is attempting to get you to not listen to these six vital points.
“The One” will be aligned with you, will be able to back what they are saying with their words, will be able to take responsibility for their past relationships and the events that happened, will put vetting and getting to know you as a priority, will communicate clearly about where they are at and where they have been accepting that they have room for growth and not just wanting and talking about doing the work on self but actually will be doing the continual work on self.
Rene' Schooler A.K.A - Kendal Williams is an intimacy and relationship coach who works with singles and couples worldwide. She has been featured on LifeTime TV — Married at First Sight — and co-authored the books 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Health and Building Foundations for Change. Learn more about by visiting her website.