7 Dangerous Lies People Tell Themselves To Stay In The Wrong Relationship
Subtle lies that keep you stuck in a relationship that's breaking down.
U.Ozel.Images | Canva How can a relationship that feels so good become your worst nightmare? If you’ve ever felt caught unaware by love, you can get a rude awakening when you realize the person you thought you loved was not that person.
When you can’t accept the truth, you tell yourself dangerous lies to excuse staying in a relationship that's bad for you. When the truth hurts, you don’t always want to accept it. Sometimes, it’s easier to sweep things under the carpet than to clean up the mess.
Maybe you’re holding on to unrequited love or a one-sided relationship. Perhaps, it’s difficult when your partner keeps cheating on you, lying to you, or hurting you, and they refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Regardless, you deserve better. You deserve to be happy and to feel safe.
Here are dangerous lies people tell themselves to stay in the wrong relationship:
1. 'Maybe they'll change'
You keep telling yourself they can change, so you hold onto hope. No one can change if they don’t want to or don’t think they have a problem. Perhaps, they keep telling themselves they’ll change but don’t get help or won't take ownership of their behavior.
2. 'They have so much potential'
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You keep wanting to see the good in them, despite their behavior. In reality, you can only accept the person they are.
"Romantic love can be literally addictive," explained 2017 research., "Love that entails insufferable pain, that frustrates other important desires, or that stops one from engaging in objectively worthwhile activities, might reasonably be taken to compromise well-being. The best life is not one consumed by destructive or maladaptive forms of love, but is rather one in which love finds a robust harmony with other sources of the good."
3. 'If I wait long enough, I'll get them to fall in love with me'
If a person doesn't want to commit, telling yourself you can get them to fall in love with you will only lead to heartbreak if they’re not investing in a relationship with you.
"If you're feeling anxious and need more connection with your partner but your partner meets you with criticism, a lack of support or understanding, or distances from you even more, take it as a sign that this is not a good connection for you," advised dating coach Chelli Pumphrey. "If you are dating someone comfortable with intimacy and relationships, it is possible to discuss where the relationship is going without emotional distancing or fear."
4. 'I know they want me even though they won't admit it'
You can fall in love with how someone makes you feel, confusing these feelings with love when a guy wants only one thing from you. If he’s not calling you his girlfriend and introducing you to friends and/or family, you’re just an option and not a choice.
5. 'They are my dream'
You can tell yourself this is "the one" when you make them out to be everything you’re looking for in a relationship. You can fall in love with the person you want them to be, placing all your hopes of unmet love onto them, and when they don’t meet your expectations, you get disappointed in them.
6. 'I'm scared I'll lose them if I don't give them what they want'
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You can convince yourself you have heated chemistry when someone charms you off your feet and lures you into a relationship even though they’re ignoring your boundaries and forcing a relationship onto you.
A 2017 series of relationship studies suggested, "that fear of being single is a meaningful predictor of settling for less in relationships and predicts lower likelihood of initiating the dissolution of a less satisfying relationship."
7. 'It's all my fault'
You take all the blame for things that are not your fault while you tell yourself doing so will keep the peace. Over time you might just end up believing everything is all your fault when your self-esteem has been chipped away.
You can take on board the beliefs of someone who is abusing you, losing your sense of self or sense of reality in the process. You end up questioning yourself and not the abuser when you’ve been gaslighted and end up doubting your sense of reality.
When you distort your reality, it's difficult to let go of an unhealthy relationship and move on. You can end up denying there are problems in your relationship when you don’t want to let go of the person you want.
Every time you take them back, they keep going back to the same behaviors that previously hurt you. It's hard to admit to yourself the relationship will go nowhere, even when you’re struggling to let go of it.
Maybe they don’t know how to change or don’t want to change. But you keep putting up with their behavior because you don’t want to let go of the love you feel you once had with them.
Ruminating over them will only keep you holding onto them and will prolong the agony of letting go of them. You can fool yourself into thinking it’s love instead of something toxic.
This is how you convince yourself to accept behaviors that don't serve you well. You can protect yourself by denying the truth when you don't want to let go of a trauma bond or unrequited love.
Your mind can play tricks on you to keep you holding onto a relationship that's toxic for you — because you don’t want to let go of the love you desire. Sometimes, it's hard to face the pain of letting go of the love you want, so you protect yourself by finding ways to excuse the behavior of the person who is hurting you.
You can tell yourself it's love to avoid losing the person who is hurting you. All this occurs when you deny the reality and trick yourself into feeling loved when you’re stuck in a trauma bond or one-sided relationship. This way you can avoid letting go of someone toxic for you by telling yourself it’s not that bad.
Nancy Carbone is an author, relationship therapist, and psychodynamic therapist. She specializes in the treatment of personality disorders and relational trauma and is accredited as a mental health social worker.
