5 Daily Habits Of People With High Marriage IQ, According To Psychology
How to increase your marital intelligence, and what that means for your partner.
digitalskillet | Canva If the flush of excitement you felt when you were first together starts to fade, you might begin to fret that something is wrong with your relationship and feel frustrated by your humdrum life together. Don't worry, you're not alone!
For most couples, the hot desire, desperate longing, and ever-present passion they felt at the beginning of their courtship — and even well into their first months and years — usually decrease in intensity over time.
For many reasons, relationships and marriages hit a "happiness plateau." One reason is that people fall into a relationship rut. Relationship ruts are very common, but if you allow them to persist and deepen, they can be hazardous to the health of your partnership and can decrease your marriage IQ. But fear not — we have solutions to up your marital intelligence.
Here are five daily habits of people with high marriage IQ:
1. They slow down
What do I mean by slowing down? Each of you is busy rushing around with work, family, and social obligations. You probably figure your relationship can wait in the background while you're zooming about trying to get everything else done.
But in reality, you need to take the time to pause and look at what's happening to your relationship right now. Notice what your partner is doing today and how your partner contributes to your life.
Notice what he or she is wearing. Find out something about his or her day that you didn't know before. Slow down.
2. They schedule playdates
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Laughing, being a little wild, and having fun are all great ways to re-trigger the lightness and joy you felt when you first met. Several studies show that if you do activities with your partner that produce brain chemicals associated with arousal, this arousal gets transferred to your private, intimate relationship. Activities that create fear (e.g., roller coaster rides, skydiving, bungee jumping, or scary movies) or cause an upsurge in the feel-good brain chemicals (e.g., working out or vigorous hiking) increase passionate love.
3. They engage in new activities
Doing novel activities with your partner enables you to re-experience that original sense of newness, adventure, and risk-taking you felt while dating. It doesn't matter what the activity is, as long as it's something you have not done before with your partner. Statistics from the Pew Research Center state that 64% of couples with shared interests believe that this has helped their marriages to succeed.
Preferably, it's something neither of you has done. It could be as simple as trying a new restaurant, or as involved as taking African drumming lessons. I know a couple that went to a Rumba class together, and they were both so comical and lousy at it that it jump-started an evening of mirth.
4. They remember to touch
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Studies show that couples feel better and more connected when they frequently engage in small nonintimate endearments, including touching, cuddling on the couch, greeting each other with a kiss, hugging, and holding hands.
5. They show or tell their partner that you value him/her
Feeling taken for granted is one of the most common complaints of couples who have been together for a while. It takes almost no effort to show or tell your partner that you notice, value, love, and care for him or her. Research from the University of Georgia states that when someone feels appreciated by their partner, they're more likely to invest in the relationship.
Fill up her car with gas. Send him a midday love email. Offer to cook her dinner. Give him a foot massage. It's easy.
No matter how much you love your partner, the issues of parenthood, work, complicated life, money, extended family, health, aging — and the list goes on — can get in the way of feeling attractive. But my suggested strategies and action steps do work.
I'd like to leave you with a couple more findings from my long-term study of married couples. These findings apply to anyone in a committed relationship, married or not.
Here goes: First, intimacy is important to couples' happiness. Of the happy couples in my study, 75 percent say they are satisfied with their intimate relationship.
Second, for the majority of these couples, the frequency of intimacy declined over time. However, the quality of the intimacy increased for most of them. The big lesson here? Don't focus on how often you are intimate. Focus on making it enjoyable for both of you.
Dr. Terri Orbuch, Ph.D. (aka The Love Doctor®) is a relationship expert, professor, therapist, research scientist, speaker, and author of 5 best-selling books.