Couples Therapist Shares The 4 'Gateways To Intimacy' He Sees In The Strongest Marriages
Great marriages connect from the bottom up.
LightField Studios | Shutterstock All too often in the clinic, we see individuals and couples who struggle to express their emotional world.
In its very gendered form, we’ll see the following dynamic — men labeled as indifferent, aloof, or simply ‘emotionally challenged’. Women, on the other hand, will generally be labeled as ‘too much’, too emotional, all over the place, overwhelmed, or flooded with intense emotions.
Regardless of the gendered expression of this, it’s all part of the same challenge — connecting to ourselves in a way that enables us to express what we’re feeling to connect to our partner.
Intimacy, or into-me-see, is the art of opening up and sharing what’s happening inside. For some of us, this comes naturally. For others, especially men, it is harder. But why?
For some it’s rigid and narrow socialization that has cut us off from certain emotions, for others it’s limiting core beliefs, such as vulnerability is a sign of weakness or that my feelings are a burden that I must keep to myself.
But the truth is that my ability to connect to and share my emotional world is crucial in my ability to foster deep and meaningful relationships. It is the foundation for empathy, closeness, and love.
Many men weren't taught the art of emotional intimacy, leaving wives to take on the emotional labor of the relationship. This leaves wives to become experts on their husband's emotions, which eventually leads to resentment and disempowerment in a relationship, lending itself to negative sentiment override.
But the simple truth is that just sharing what’s happening inside of you openly, is already intimacy. Yes, it’s that simple.
Our definition of intimacy is: Feeling, together.
When two partners are open about what they’re feeling, even if it’s not the same feeling, is intimacy. Sounds too good to be true, but it is.
Here are the 4 'gateways to intimacy' found in the strongest marriages:
1. 'I feel'
The first gateway seems the easiest yet for many it’s hard to complete: What am I feeling right now? And is it OK if I share it with my partner? Some of us have limiting core beliefs about some feelings (such as anger is bad, disappointment is toxic, joy is dangerous, and jealousy is pity).
For us to be able to share our feelings openly we must first acknowledge them, then validate them, and then share them openly. Books like Permission to Feel offer practical tools for this gateway. Just a reminder that “I feel that…” is not a feeling but a statement, so after the word “feel” use a feeling word: “I feel angry, sad, jealous..”
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2. 'Part of Me…' (POM)
We all have multiple self-states and another gateway to be open and vulnerable is to share some of these self-states. The beauty of POM is that it enables us to hold and share two opposing feelings at the same time — which is a sign of emotional maturity.
“Part of me is happy for you that you want to find yourself after two kids and 20 years together … and another part of me wants you to stay here with me.”
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3. Physical sensations
Emotions are energy in motion. Feelings are like a wave of energy and end after 90 seconds (if we surrender to them). These emotions live in our body and if we point our focus to the body, we will discover what we are feeling. This might sound strange but it works.
You scan your body, looking for unique sensations: tingling, cramps, itch, warmness, coldness, and more. Once you notice that sensation, put your hands on it and breathe into it. See how it feels. Then start verbalizing it out loud and see if that ‘felt sense’ changes.
4. Broadcasting live
The last gateway isn’t necessarily focused on feelings, but rather on internal processes. In psychotherapy, we call this self-disclosure, but we prefer to talk in layman’s terms of broadcasting live.
In essence, it’s you pulling the curtain and sharing with your partner what’s happening right now in your heart and mind without filtering or censoring. This stream of consciousness is somewhat intimidating because you don’t necessarily know what will come out of your mouth or how your partner will react to your words. That high-risk/high-gain communication is also called self-validated intimacy.
Broadcasting live might not include feeling words, but it does meet another definition of intimacy “meeting oneself in the presence of the other”.
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker, licensed Couple & Family Therapist, and an international trainer. He is the founder and co-director of The Potential State For Enriching Relationships.