Couples Therapist Reveals Top 3 'Danger Zones' She Sees Most In Marriages
Can your marriage handle these phases?
Elnur | Canva One of the more enjoyable parts of my job as a relationship specialist is working with premarital couples. The love they have for each other is so refreshing. They prioritize and value each other, and are committed to making their relationships work by heeding marriage advice.
Unfortunately, research from the CDC shows about 40% of marriages end in divorce with a spike in the divorce rate at the two-year, seven-year, and twentieth anniversary dates. What's happening within the relationship during these phases?
Couples therapist reveals top 3 'danger zones' she sees most in marriages:
1. The honeymoon phase
It's universally known as the tender, romantic, and idealistic period of marriage. There's an excitement and newness of life where couples are sustained by the immensely positive feelings that seem to trump logic.
Pexels / Vera Arsic
They can talk with each other for hours about things they've never shared. They feel heard, valued, and understood; they've finally met their "soulmate."
Those in-love feelings allow them to lower their guard, and they're tolerant and flexible with the foibles of their mate. Couples can lose themselves in the passion of the moment. They can easily laugh and play, and they prioritize their partnership.
There's an underlying belief that love can overcome all adversity. When conflicts arise, they tend to give their partner the benefit of the doubt and reach out to try and repair the bond.
Yet, how long does the honeymoon phase last? According to a National Library of Medicine study, the honeymoon phase can last for up to 30 months.
2. The adjustment phase
This occurs as the newness of the relationship dies down. They experience this stage as the most challenging. They no longer see themselves as partners but instead feel they're in a power struggle.
Couples conflict often revolves around the issues of intimacy, money and security, and childrearing.
Psychologist Azin Nasseri states, "The high rate of divorce has little to do with compatibility. Rather, it has more to do with the fear of addressing conflict as well as a lack of essential skills and knowledge required to build a healthy relationship. This includes understanding the nature and dynamics of love."
When couples commit to addressing the conflict that has kept them feeling alone — and decide to work through the hurt, anger, fear, and resentment — they can transition into the next decade with a renewed commitment, greater appreciation, and love for their partner.
3. The empty nest phase
Couples are at a new crossroads: their twenty-year anniversary mark. The responsibilities for raising children have shifted. They're transitioning out of the home.
The excuse is that the couple is together because the children no longer hold water. They are now face to face with figuring out how they want to spend the rest of their lives together.
This stage presents a great opportunity for couples to redefine and reprioritize their relationships. Love is no longer experienced as a passionate one-night stand but has developed into the mature stage based on the decision to love.
They're in this relationship because they value, cherish, accept, and want to be with their partners. They've weathered the stormiest of storms together.
(An old joke: A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are debating the question, "When does life begin?" The priest says, "At conception, of course!" The minister says, "At birth!" The rabbi says, "When the last kid goes to college, and the dog dies!")
Carolyn Gerard, LMFT has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1985. She specializes in helping couples in crisis move beyond anger and hopelessness after the discovery of infidelity or betrayal, or when communication has broken down.