4 Ways Great Couples Keep Their Partners From Cheating, Without Using Jealousy Or Control
Understanding the never-ending battle between impulse and commitment.
OG Productionz | Pexels Commitment is one of the most important elements of committed relationships — especially marriage. Few people plan to be unfaithful, and yet a large number of couples deal with it at some point. Fortunately, there are ways couples can reduce the risk of their partners cheating, without using jealousy or control.
Even when couples overcome this difficult experience, they might have trouble moving forward. Infidelity leaves the betrayed partner feeling unloved, unappreciated and replaced and can lead to issues with jealousy or control. Fortunately, this doesn't have to be the case.
Four ways to keep partners from cheating, without using jealousy or control
1. They understand the never-ending "battle" between lust and love
Many individuals in committed relationships say they love their partner but still lust after other people. Illogical? Well, not exactly.
MRI scans used in an APA study illustrate that when the brain is exposed to lust (dopamine) it responds as if under the influence of drugs. The hormones rise, which is not the case when experiencing love.
The intensity of lust tends to exceed the intensity of love, but it is also short-lived, as supported by research in Trends in Neurosciences. Love is powerful when it comes to co-existence, care, and emotional stability. It is love that keeps us together for the long run. But desire, passion, novelty, the unknown ... these are the feelings that make us feel young, desirable, and alive.
Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. Marriage that doesn't have passion becomes limited — and to some people may even feel like a prison.
Infidelity often happens when one partner (or both) enjoys some elements of the relationship, such as security and comfort, but no longer wants the other partner intimately. Falling into the monotony of everyday life, they forget to maintain the level of passion and connection that prevents them from looking outside their relationship.
2. They realize people don’t want what they think they desire
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We all know the idiom: “Be careful what you wish for.”
While we want to experience safety, stability, and routine, it may also lead to monotony and boredom. Nothing dilutes passion more than monotony.
The dull life you experience may become overwhelming, making you wonder about the possibilities of a more exciting life. You find yourself wondering about someone who will cherish you, and at the same time be passionately crazy about you and who will make you feel “butterflies” in your stomach.
So, while you want to secretly eat from the "forbidden apple," you don't want to leave your spouse for an adventure of this kind. Deep down you know that your illusion will crash as soon as you end your current relationship — that the moment your former partner is gone, you will realize the one you idealized isn't so perfect after all.
To avoid infidelity, always aim to have an interesting and fun relationship with your partner, filled with action and passion. Learn to appreciate what you have and what your partner brings into your life.
3. They know low self-esteem means a greater likelihood of cheating
One myth about infidelity is the saying that people who cheat must be handsome, wealthy, and self-confident, and thus never satisfied with only one partner.
If there is a fact you should know about adultery, it is that many people who cheat are not like that at all. An article from the Journal of Family Psychology showed cheaters come in many forms, and a large number of them have low self-esteem and lack maturity. No matter how much love they receive from their partner, it is never enough.
The insecure individual who engages in infidelity is driven by a powerful desire to conquer new people to feel loved. They crave others' reassurance of their self-value. However, while the cheating provides an immediate lift to their self-image, this boost is temporary, leading to even deeper feelings of emptiness and misery.
This is why, in addition to investing in the relationship, each partner must continually work on building their self-esteem and aspiring to be the best person they can be. At the same time, each individual must appreciate their partner and the wonderful things their relationship brings.
4. They use the power of mutual support for each other's differences
The well-known saying that opposites attract is true — and it's not. This idea is often confusing and leads to misunderstandings. Many happy couples don’t have much in common, and others who are very much alike have problematic relationships.
The key to success is less about shared interests, which are important, and more about the respect, interest, and support you show for each other's differences, as supported by a study in the Journal of Family Psychology. You can support each other and love spending quality time together while also taking time to do your own thing.
If you are uninterested in your partner’s lifestyle and yawn whenever they speak about something important to them, you are both ignoring and dismissing them.
Disrespecting their hobbies and ideas may lead them to feel unloved, increasing their interest in an affair with someone who shows even a little bit of interest in their world. If you continue to act as you did when you first started dating, the relationship is far more likely to stay respectful, interesting, and fulfilling.
Cheating becomes a way to deal with limited choices.
It is typically how one person tries to meet those needs they feel are left unaddressed within the relationship — or their psychological makeup.
To bring back that magical spark in your relationship, you both need to continually put effort into it. Re-explore the romantic and physical elements that define the basic core of your relationship, as well as the basic core of your self.
It is important to be present in the relationship, not only physically but also mentally. Pay attention to your partner — there will always be something new to learn.
Once you realize what things your partner longs for and support them, you will build a deeper connection, and adultery will be the last thing to enter their mind.
Moshe Ratson is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist (LMFT) and infidelity expert.