Couples Who Do These 10 Things Tend To Watch Their Marriage Crash In Slow Motion, According To Research
The warning signs of a marital crash aren't always dramatic.
Alex Avalos | Unsplash Thoughtless: Without thought. In this crazy world, it is easy to be thoughtless. It is easy to be consumed with my own experience of reality to the exclusion of all others including my wife.
Being thoughtful has many benefits including fewer fights, more love-making, a better immune system, a longer life, and more good feelings between me and my spouse. Does being thoughtful take more time and effort than being thoughtless? Of course, but it is time well spent.
Here are ten items to remember and avoid at all costs. This list comes from a straight male perspective (the writer’s) which reflects some traditional expectations — who should be responsible for what and when (not that I agree with them) and twenty years of working with women as a psychotherapist. I hear a lot of stories. Apply to your situation what makes sense to you.
Couples who do these things tend to watch their marriage crash in slow motion:
1. Forgetting anniversaries
For whatever reason, I’ve noticed that anniversaries are very important to women. I think it is seen as a level of concern for the relationship. If you forget a birthday, Valentine’s Day, or the wedding anniversary — how much do you care is what she thinks.
Anyone who has forgotten some important date knows the pain and heartache it can cause. Believe me, it is easier to schedule it on your smartphone with reminders if need be, than live with the fallout of forgetting. Important days could include when you first met, your first date when you officially started dating (that’s one we have), and your cousin Vinnie’s birthday (kidding).
The point is, that no date is too small to assume it is not worth celebrating. The sooner you have established the requisite dates, the better.
2. Making appointments without checking with your partner
fizkes / Shutterstock
This is a biggie and usually happens in the early stages of a relationship, though, even after seventeen years, I still occasionally make this mistake.
Sometimes, I forget I’m married and act like a single person. Go figure. This gets me into trouble. I am not single, and like any partnership, my partner wants to be included in the decision-making process. They don’t want things sprung on them especially if they have to do any work to prepare for the event.
Typically, because yes comes out of my mouth automatically when people ask me to do something, I can easily find myself agreeing to something without checking in with my partner to see if we have something else planned. Over time I have learned to bite my tongue, or use delaying tactics (I need to check my schedule, let me think about it, I will get back to you in an hour).
Research on 'bids for connection' and communication styles suggests that neglecting a partner's needs and desires, including their input on plans, can erode trust and lead to relationship problems. One partner might stop investing time and effort into the relationship without officially ending it, which can signify dissatisfaction and contribute to its decline.
3. Buying expensive things without discussing it together
This often happens when the person doing the buying is the major breadwinner in the marriage. They think, “This is my money, I can spend it any way I like.” They don’t stop to think that their partner might have a different opinion.
And if they know there will not be approval from their spouse, and do it anyway without consulting, what does that say about the relationship? Is that respectful? No!
4. Going out with 'the boys' too frequently
In the early days of a relationship, after you have moved in together, some men act as if they are single and continue to spend as much time with their male friends as they did before becoming involved in a full-time intimate relationship. Doing this you will discover that it is a quick way to major fights and complaints from your spouse who will be reminding you that you now have a primary relationship which means spending less time with your buds.
If she is smart, she knows that your male friendships are valuable — they keep you balanced. My wife, the wise woman that she is, often encourages me to get out of the house and see my male friends. I enjoy seeing my buds and coming back re-energized and appreciative of what is waiting for me at home rather than resenting her if I had to fight to get time with my friends.
That said, I am conscious of her needs regarding time with me. A man's consistent prioritization of time with friends over his partner can strain a relationship due to feelings of neglect, lack of intimacy, and unmet needs. A 2022 study found that this ultimately leads to dissatisfaction and potential breakups.
5. Expecting intimacy on demand
Again, this one might be present early in a relationship, sometimes not because we demand it, but because it may be happening a lot due to the newness of the relationship. It is not unusual for the quantity of intimacy to slow down over time and go through interruptions due to illness or childbirth. Believe it or not, there is a flip that happens in this scenario.
Women hit their peak in their late thirties and men’s testosterone and libido start to decrease around this time. In my practice, I have seen countless women in their forties and fifties complaining about the lack of intimacy with their husbands.
That said, I know some men who expect their wives to be available pretty much whenever they want intimacy and take it as a personal insult when they get resistance or pushback. Welcome to male privilege and narcissism.
The world is not all about you and your needs. That does not mean you can’t ask for what you want, it is just unrealistic to expect to get your way all the time.
6. Forgetting to help out around the house
Even in this day of supposed equality between the sexes, women still do the majority of the housework even when working full-time. I know you are not one of these guys but if unsure, ask. That’s all it takes. Your spouse will feel that you care enough to check in with her. Then help if she tells you what needs doing.
To score serious bonus points, look for what needs doing and do it without being told. Whenever I do this, my partner feels loved. Why? Because one of her love languages is acts of service.
Traditional gender roles often lead to women bearing the brunt of household tasks and the mental load of planning, organizing, and managing daily life. A 2023 review concluded that women may feel overburdened and resentful when men don't contribute equitably, leading to conflict and decreased satisfaction.
7. Watching way too many sports programs
If you are a sports fan this can be a major area for disagreement. This is similar to time out with the boys. Indeed, watching sports and being with the boys may be one and the same thing.
I love watching sports. I find it relaxing (golf), exciting (football), and connecting (me, my friends, and the fans). With cable, I could be watching the screen all day and night. This would be a problem. Of course, I don’t do this (unless I am by myself sick at home then I indulge).
Maybe that is how we should look at watching sports. An indulgence. And like chocolate or ice cream, too much of a good thing can be dangerous. Learning that relationship health is better for us in the long run than instant gratification but treating or indulging with awareness and with an eye to a balanced diet will make everyone happier in the end.
8. Being on the computer too much
Stokkete / pexels
This is similar to watching sports too much but with one difference. It is easy to say you are working. Hard to do that when watching the TV.
Are you a gamer, researcher, or Facebook junkie? Both sexes can get caught up with the bedazzling effects of the pulsing blue light. It can become an addiction and like all addictions, your relationship will suffer greatly. Hopefully, you are not at this stage.
I use my computer for work and I work from home a lot. It is difficult to know when to pull back and come out of the internet world and back into the home and my relationship with my wife. One key I have learned is to listen when my wife tells me I am spending too much time on the computer. I always argue even though I know she is right and then I get off as soon as I can.
According to a 2018 study, excessive online engagement can create opportunities for misinterpretation of online interactions, leading to distrust and suspicion. It can also lead to a decline in intimacy as couples spend less time engaging in meaningful, face-to-face interactions.
9. Treating your partner like a friend only
This one tends to happen over time. It can be a slow gradual decline as you get caught up with the demands of life. When kids are involved it is almost impossible not to fall into this trap of forgetting to see your wife as your lover and not just a mother to your kids and a good partner and friend.
Keeping the embers of passion burning means taking time to be together, alone, focusing on each other, and looking into the eyes and soul of your partner to see the passion of your love for each other. Stopping the merry-go-round of life is no easy task BUT it is essential to see your wife as your love(r).
10. Not treating your partner with respect
Having respect for your spouse, according to leading marriage researchers, is critical to a successful marriage. Why would you stay married to someone you don’t respect? It boggles my mind.
I think it is fear of the unknown (life without your spouse), fear of facing the truth (how much things suck), fear of making change (lack of belief that change can occur), laziness (not wanting to put in the effort required), and a lack of self-respect.
To treat someone without respect and live with them does nothing but increase bitterness and contempt which is soul-destroying for both partners. If you feel you are or are going down this road STOP. Stop everything, give yourself a good shake, and ask yourself if you want to continue in this misery.
Studies consistently show that respect is a fundamental need in relationships, and its absence can lead to significant distress and conflict. The long-term effects of disrespectful behavior can include emotional trauma, anxiety, and difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future.
Well, there you have it, ten behaviors or ways of being to avoid if you want to give your relationship a better opportunity to thrive.
Dr. Steven Lake is an author, speaker, and relationship coach. He has a PhD in Educational Administration and created a Model Of Effective Crisis Management for his dissertation.
