Psychology Says Couples Who Do These 6 Things Right Before Bed Have The Deepest Bond
Bedtime is the right time to nurture emotional intimacy and deepen your connection.
Roberta SA. | Canva If you want to avoid divorce, you should pay attention. When you first fell in love, you couldn't get enough of each other. You spent time, money, and effort to stay connected. But now the humdrum of life has reared its boring, same ol', same ol' head.
It happens to the best of us. Communication shifts from “What do you want out of life?” to “What’s for dinner?” ... “I want you so badly” becomes “Can you pick up Tommy from soccer practice?” And “I love you” becomes “I’ll be home late tonight.” Passion is replaced by errands. Intimacy is replaced by catching up on work on your laptop … in bed. Before you know it, you are living separate lives.
Here are six things couples who have the deepest bonds do before bed:
1. Go to bed at the same time
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When our bedtime schedules don't match, it's often a matter of choice — like when someone stays up late to watch TV or work while the other disappears into the dark recesses of the house. Building a sense of connection requires being in the same place at the same time (duh).
So choose to head to the bed together, maybe even hold hands as you go. Do this every single night, without fail. After all, retiring to the bedroom together means you’ll hit the sheets together.
Findings from a 2020 study indicate that couples going to bed at the same time can significantly improve relationship satisfaction and intimacy, as aligning sleep schedules promotes a sense of connection and can lead to better communication and quality time together, even if they aren't fully asleep at the same time. Studies have shown couples with mismatched bedtimes often report lower relationship satisfaction and less physical intimacy.
2. Put your electronics away
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Not only do our devices' endless notifications disturb our REM sleep, but they also offer an imitation of connection. Bedtime is an opportunity for real connection with the person right next to you—you know, the person you fell madly in love with and whom you've chosen to be your partner?
Put your dang phone down … seriously. Make your bedroom a sanctuary, free from the noise of life, and watch your connection improve almost immediately.
Couples putting away their electronics before bed is crucial for maintaining good sleep quality, as using devices like phones or tablets close to bedtime can significantly disrupt the natural sleep cycle by suppressing melatonin production, leading to difficulties falling asleep and poorer overall sleep quality, which can negatively impact both individual and relationship wellbeing. The potential for distractions from notifications and the stimulating blue light from screens further emphasizes this, according to a 2017 study.
3. Turn your nightly catch-up conversations into pillow talk
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Dinner is done, the kids are asleep, and it’s time for the grown-ups to finally have a chance to catch up. Instead of talking over dirty dishes or during commercial breaks, move your catch-up conversations to the bedroom. Discussing your day as you remove your clothes is cathartic, and allows you both to physically “remove” the day’s events and get back to what matters: each other.
4. Go through a nightly routine before you enter the bedroom
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If you limit your interactions to the moments just before you close your eyes, it can start to feel like the same run-of-the-mill actions and activities. Next thing you know, you're caught in a cycle of, “I’ll do this, you’ll do that, then we’ll sleep."
Instead, start the day with a note on the mirror or a text in the middle of the day for no reason, or maybe take out the trash before being asked (hey, you never know!). Commit to showing your love this way every single day so that your partner is reminded as you head off to bed together that you believe they are special.
Research published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that a shared nightly routine before bed is essential for couples, as it fosters intimacy, communication, and overall relationship satisfaction by providing a dedicated time to connect, unwind, and share their day. This leads to a stronger bond and improved sleep quality when done consistently together.
5. Explore new ways to connect
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The best connection happens when you give just for the sake of giving ... and not just to receive something in return. A long, slow massage can be a perfect way to truly relax your partner, but it is also so much more than that.
A massage can also help build anticipation, connecting you through touch to help grow the intimacy and trust between you. Not just once a week, but every night, as part of your bedtime routine. It takes just a little touch to create sparks, and you’ll need a massage crème to make it smooth and sensual.
Findings from a 2022 study suggest that couples finding new ways to touch before bed are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Physical touch, especially affectionate touch, can significantly reduce stress, promote relaxation, increase feelings of intimacy and connection, and positively impact sleep quality, mainly due to the release of oxytocin, often called the "love hormone."
6. Say goodnight every night
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Unfortunately, it’s also an activity that disappears the fastest when relationships shift from passionate to compassionate love. So say goodnight — kiss them, and re-ignite your connection.
Deepening your connection with a fun and relaxing bedtime routine can do wonders to revitalize a relationship. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get less sleep … and like it.
A couple saying goodnight to each other every night before bed is essential for maintaining a solid relationship, as it signifies a conscious effort to connect, express affection, and acknowledge the importance of their bond, even after a challenging day. A 2020 study found that this simple act can contribute to feelings of intimacy, security, and overall relationship satisfaction.
Study after study shows that being connected to someone — trust, honesty, and the ability to reveal private thoughts and feelings — reduces stress and feelings of loneliness. Intimacy can even lessen the adverse effects of certain psychological and medical conditions.
Rebuilding intimacy and connection won’t happen by itself. It takes effort … and there’s no better place to start than the bedroom. Creating a connected and intimate bedtime routine can help you (both of you) get back to a place of connection and (dare I say it?) … fun.
Charles J. Orlando is a bestselling author and relationship/interpersonal relations expert who has spent the last 10+ years connecting with tens of thousands of people.