8 Cheat Codes For Highly Sensitive Wives (Married To Non-Sensitive Husbands)
If you're an HSP, keep these marital tips in mind.
Delmaine Donson | Canva A common pairing I see in counseling and life (and in my first marriage) is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) with a non-highly sensitive male. The key to making this marriage work is that both people have to appreciate what their partner brings to the table.
This dynamic appears frequently in couples counseling, sometimes due to the woman’s dissatisfaction and sometimes to the man’s. From all of my experience with this type of couple, I present to you this list of things that HSP women married to non-HSP men should keep in mind.
Here are 8 marriage tips for highly sensitive wives married to non-sensitive husbands:
1. Make time for deep conversation with your husband, but not 24/7
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Your non-HSP husband may not want to talk on a deep level all the time, or barely ever, but it’s likely that he may be better for you than some artistic guy who talks on a deep level but tends toward depression and anxiety. Because when you get overwhelmed with life stuff, a non-HSP can take over, no problem, since barely anything makes his heart rate deviate from normal.
2. Exhibit the empathy you'd like to see
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If you come to the table with concrete solutions, even if they are in the area of emotionality, such as learning empathy by rote, or bringing conversational topics to the table, this will go better than vague complaints like “Do you ever even feel anything?”
3. Ask your husband to educate himself on HSPs
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If you can go into your time machine and ensure your husband genuinely understands that you are an HSP, you’ll have better luck. If you can’t, then try to educate him now. I can educate him myself if you can’t find a therapist in your area who does.
4. Reframe and compromise during arguments
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Don’t try and change your inner workings. But do reframe and compromise without saying you stink as a person. It's a delicate balance.
5. Ask for help when you need it
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Get a babysitter more frequently, although not enough to make you feel you’re outsourcing your parenting.
Experts in the field encourage HSPs, “If you need help, you just need it. That doesn’t make you a less capable or worse parent.” HSPs tend to be people-pleasers and, therefore, seek help only as a last resort. Perfectionism chimes in with its ever-so-unhelpful insistence that no one else can do it like you, so getting help is pointless.
6. Outsource domestic chores that cause fights
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Hire a house cleaner if at all possible. Better that you guys don’t fight than that you save up for tuition to Harvard. Besides, who are you betting on Harvard for? The kid who is currently eating her hair or the one on his seventh episode of Stinky and Dirty? I am right there with you, people.
7. Allow yourself ample alone time
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Make sure that everyone knows that when Mommy’s door is closed, and you interrupt her, it is just as bad as waking a sleeping rabid dog.
You need your alone time, or else you will detonate. If your husband cannot understand this, hammer it into his head with a combination of flowcharts and diagrams, and dioramas.
If he still complains, threaten him with deep conversations about this topic daily until he relents. Don’t let your ego or your anxiety get in the way. Yes, the kids could scream for you but you need to take a nap, and your husband can keep them alive. For real.
8. Make a concerted effort to understand each other
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And the most important: Try to understand your husband’s point of view and convey your understanding whenever possible. Take full ownership of your often difficult nature. There is no “I” in functional marriage. (As you’re a highly observant HSP, you get that joke.)
According to research by Dr. Elaine Aron, PhD, the key to good relationships for highly sensitive people is not to give more to others but to give more to yourself. When both partners value themselves enough to make sure their own needs are met when they communicate those needs to each other and have enough respect to accept each other as they are, a healthy, loving relationship can flourish for HSPs and non-HSPs alike.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.