The Biggest Mistake Couples Make In Otherwise-Great Relationships, According To Psychologist Of 20 Years
One yes is not enough.
annastills | Canva Is your relationship on the rocks? Are you wondering what mistake you might be making and how to avoid repeating it in the future? If so, help is on the way.
Relationship coach and YourTango Expert Dr. Bruce Derman and his wife, certified professional coach Marla Gorlick, explain the biggest mistake people make in relationships. "Being in a long-term, committed relationship is extremely challenging," Derman says.
The biggest mistake couples make is that they don't understand what relationship agreements require.
A great relationship asks you to face and make thousands and thousands of agreements, some big, some small. Yet no one tells us, at least they never told me, what a real agreement is. So, ask yourself if you have made agreements in your life where you felt resentful, frustrated, and disappointed.
Well, guess what you're not alone, this is so common it is an element of research on relationship stability. Couples make agreements with just one "Yes." But a real agreement needs four yeses.
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A study of progression bias in relationships supports how simply saying yes to your partner is not enough for a real agreement. You need four yeses. A mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual yes. So, what's involved in all these yeses?
Here are the four yeses of a relationship agreement:
1. Mental yes: Mentally, a yes means your thoughts, beliefs, and values are in line with the agreement.
2. Emotional yes: Emotionally, a yes means your feelings agree.
3. Physical yes: Physically, a yes means you have the energy to support the agreement.
4. Spiritual yes: Spiritually, a yes means the agreement meets a higher purpose in the relationship.
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Each of us had experiences with past relationships where our agreements were just partial yeses, as suggested by modeling of marital satisfaction. The result was chaos, turmoil, and discontent because we said yes when one or more of the other four aspects of an agreement were saying no.
In a previous relationship, I knew from the very beginning I didn't have an emotional yes because I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel solid, yet my insecurities led me to go ahead and say yes anyway.
I wanted to wait before taking a relationship further because I needed more psychological development. I needed to be older, but I didn't wait, I went along and said yes.
It was not a mental yes, and the result was a functional relationship, but it was an immature one that involved a lot of hiding, avoiding, and sweeping issues under the rug, as demonstrated in a study of immature love.
In contrast to my current marriage, we had a full agreement on all four levels from the beginning. As a result, we've both experienced the most nourishing, mature, and conflict-free relationship we've ever had.
Real agreements take a lot more time, energy, discussion, and willingness to listen to your partner. Look at the past agreements you've made with your partner were they real agreements or incomplete?
The tool of the four yeses allows you to go back to those past agreements and look at them through a clearer lens. The four yeses enable you to turn around incomplete agreements, know where the gaps are, and end up making full agreements if you are committed to that process. Want to learn how to connect better with your partner? Check out the video below:
Bruce Derman, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills, California who specializes in working with adults, couples, and families in all stages of relationships, including anxiety, depression, divorce, and dating.