The Big Mistake People Make When Relationships Get Hard, According To A Therapist
We don't usually see our own self-sabotage.
Taryn Elliott | Canva If you've been dating someone for a while, you have already had a couple of arguments here and there. How you handled those arguments matters.
Some people can talk things out and find solutions. But others run away from relationship problems altogether. They don't do this to be cowards. They likely think they're doing the right thing for the relationship. But keeping the peace or being nice isn't very nice when a whole relationship eventually explodes from unresolved problems.
Here are the big mistakes people make when relationships get hard, according to a therapist:
1. When the going gets tough, they run away.
If you're someone who tends to run away from your relationship when things get tough, you're not alone. However, here's a gentle reminder from Dr. Aria Campbell Danesh on why it's important not to run away when faced with difficulties in your relationship.
"If you feel like you want to end things whenever conflict arises, hear me out," begins Danesh.
2. They don't recognize conflict happens in every relationship.
"Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship and it's rarely about the surface issues."
The reality is, that conflict has deep-rooted issues that are rooted in unexpressed feelings, weak boundaries, or old wounds that never got to heal.
"If you run from the relationship without first becoming aware of what you need to work on and then working on it, you'll simply take this version of you into the next relationship," explains Danesh.
3. They don't know running away perpetuates the problem.
When this happens, the conflict never ends because the problems never get resolved. Understandably, looking within yourself is hard work. The truth is, it requires courage and vulnerability to get here. However, this isn't a bad thing.
Danesh says, "The hardest times you're going through together actually have the potential to transform your relationship with yourselves and each other"
But how do we look inward and tackle our trauma? What should we expect? Licensed counselor Gregory L. Jantz dives into the process of healing from past trauma, comparing it to the stages of grief, as evidenced in a 1998 comparative analysis.
Below is an example of how one might deal with trauma through the stages of grief
Here's how understanding the stages of grief helps you stick around and work through relationship problems:
1. Recognize when denial creeps into your daily life.
Experiencing trauma can cause our survival instincts to kick in and because of this, we go through a phase of denial.
This phase is a way for our body to protect itself from further harm. And while it's important to protect your emotional health after trauma, remember that bottling things up isn't the answer.
2. Understand how you use bargaining.
Jantz writes, "This stage of grief may be marked by persistent thoughts about what could have been done to prevent the loss or trauma."
Research conducted in 2021 shows that if you've gone through childhood trauma these thoughts can stick for years and years. And while this is a normal part of fried, getting too caught up on the what-ifs will only set you back in your healing journey.
The reality is, that there was little you could do to change the situation — even if you tried.
3. Be ready for the emotional lows.
When we go through the stages of grief we are hit with the emotional stages. During this stage, you'll reach an all-time low, realizing the trauma you've endured.
Even more, you'll reach the anger stage rather quickly. And during this point, you'll begin to feel powerless and stuck in your trauma.
So, be sure to seek professional counseling during this stage and find healthy ways to sort through your emotions. Remember, journaling or meditation can really help.
4. Look for ways to move into acceptance.
When we get to the acceptance stage we can admit to what happened to us. We also are able to understand that what we went through wasn't OK and wasn't fair.
Yet, this admission doesn't control your life. During the acceptance stage, you accept what has happened and don't allow your past trauma to control your present life. You're free to be yourself and move on from the pain and suffering you've endured.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.